Wow. War Machine is everything we hoped for and a little bit more
The Average Dude has been around a hot minute. I’ve been a movie fan since…well…I’m not going to date myself. I’ve seen a lot. I’ve marked the passage of time and the evolution of society through the Hollywood camera lense. Some changes are good, like CGI (well, mostly). Some are less so (like the overpoliticization of movies). The point is, as the world evolved, so did the movies we watched. How could they not?
When Ahnold was king
The 1980s were the era of big action movies, bigger action stars. And when I say bigger stars, that’s exactly what I mean. Schwarzenegger. Stalone. Van Damme. Lundgren. Big, beefy, he-man archtypes that could survive bullets, blasts and beasts (including each other) and drop a cheesy one liner enroute to the next action scene. It was visual, visceral and over-the-top. We ate it up.
I still love them
There aren’t very many of those 80s demi-god movies on the Average Dude’s annual watch list. I do try to catch a few minutes when I see them on while scrolling through the channels. And I do have a poster of Commando hanging in the man-cave. Good times.
It’s rare to find a new addition to the Annual Watch List. The last one that comes readily to mind is Free Guy. And even though War Machine currently isn’t on that list, Alan Ritchson has reached contender status. He’s on the radar now.
Kind of like El (’11’), but at roughly 30 times the mass
War Machine is the story of ’81’. ’81’ is the number given to him as a Army Ranger Candidate. No names, just digits. If you number is called, you have not been selected. Exit stage left.
’81’ attacks the Ranger Training curriculum with a single-minded focus so intense that his commanders question his ability to work as a cohesive member of an elite fighting unit. When it comes to any military, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Especially with the Rangers.
As Aliens So Often Do
The hot news of the day during ’81’s torturous Ranger training was the skyfall of numerous comet fragments across the globe. As it turns out, each those fragments contained an alien mechanized ‘War Machine’. Their goal is a simple one…eradicate. Vaporize the dominant indigenous life form.
As luck would have it, the final test of Ranger Training puts ’81’ (of course he made it to the end! Have you never seen Alan Ritchson?) directly in the path of one of these massive, unstoppable War Machine behemouths. Game on, aliens.
Why War Machine worked
Ritchson is one of those larger than life people. Like the Rock, John Cena or Henry Cavill. So far as I can tell, there’s not a lot of emotional range in Ritchson’s acting ammo bandalier. But here’s the thing….it’s not necessary. There is a place for the quintesential alpha male in cinema (and the world). I would go as far as to say that it is welcomed, even craved. Your Average Dude, for one, has missed it. And the stellar reviews of War Machine suggest that others have, as well. Lots of others.
If you liked any of the Expendables
War Machine is helmed by Australian director Patrick Hughes, who brought us The Expendables and Hitman’s Bodyguard (and who is himself a bit of a square-jawed fellow). If you haven’t seen Hitman’s Bodyguard, there’s your assignment for this weekend. That movie is worth the watch even if only for the car chase sequence set to the Spiderbait version of Black Betty. You’re welcome.
Fun for the whole family
And if you’re thinking that the Average Dude is some masogynistic, knuckle-dragger, it’s worth noting that Mrs Average Dude enjoyed it, as well. It’s becoming less and less an unpopular opinion that the honorable, stoic, infinitely capable alpha males are (shock!) appealing to women. Curse me for a heretic! I’m just stating the obvious.
So, what is the ‘little bit more’ I spoke of?
War Machine is a throwback to the iron-jawed action stars of the 80s. But such a character could only go so far today. Audiences have become accoustomed to emotional depth in their movie men. And that’s the little bit more of which I speak. Yes, ’81’ has all the never quit we all hope we would have in the same situation. What War Machine adds is a dollop of depth as to why ’81’ is the way he is. You don’t have to be Dustin Hoffman to pull off that level of emotion. By the same token, there’s no way our greatest living actor (my opinion) could do what Ritchson does. But there’s definitely room for both.
Hoping the rumors are true
So, during this really dry spell of watchable movies – either at the theater or on streaming – The Average Dude heartily recommends War Machine. Let the over-the-top physical specimen that is Alan Ritchson continue to bring us War Machine sequels, Reacher season 4 and pleasepleaseplease make him be the new Batman. Let the Caped Crusader be a butt-kicker of epic proportions again and not the emo-goth Bat-millenial of the last iteration (again, my opinion). It will totally rake cash, I promise.
And not for nothing, but I saw one reviewer that called War Machine ‘Absurd on almost every level’ and ‘Deeply stupid’ while also managing to sound both insulting and childishly jealous of Mr Ritchson (calling him a ‘walking meat mountain’). He doesn’t get it. Probably never will.
I’m betting that reviewer is channelling his inner millenial and wouldn’t know a barbell from a bar tab. Sounds a little over-compensatey to me. Last opinion of the day.
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