Category: Movie Reviews

Where was Frau Blucher?

Happy America 250, everybody! Your humble Average Dude hopes you had a joyous and safe long holiday weekend! This year, Hollywood has given us not one but TWO options deserving a view and review. Option 1 was always going to be option 1 for America 250 weekend…Young Washington (not to be confused with Young Frankenstein). And it did not disappoint.

Historical accuracy counts…but not this weekend

Now, the Average Dude has no illusions that Young Washington is a strictly accurate historical telling of our first president and great national icon. Maybe I’ll do an update sometime and maybe it will affect my overall rating. But not right now. Nope. We love our 4th of July and we love it even more this year. So, let’s take a moment and breathe in the freedom. And in the recent words of an infamous celebrity…

Perspective, people

Pro-American sentiment has not been this high since probably 9/11/2001. World Cup visitors are everywhere you look online, heaping praises on Americans in general. They are voicing astonishment at the endless blessings that we enjoy daily. If we can’t set aside politics for one day and just recognize that we have more (of everything) than any other country in the world (and in all of history) then…well, there’s something wrong with your thinking.

Wherever you fall on the Have to Have Not spectrum, objectively, your place on a worldwide scale is much, much higher than it may be on a strictly US scale. And NOWHERE ELSE do you have MORE freedom to change that. Again, not political. Just truth. But I digress.

I blame Nintendo

Young Washington is less about patriotism and more about ambition and the will to achieve. George was not born into the privileged class. While not exactly poor (his family were tenant farmers and definitely looked down upon by the British high-borne of the day), George was not content with what everyone told him was his lot in life.

Denied even a basic formal schooling, he threw himself into what we would now consider a ‘home school’ education. At an age when most of current American youth are watching Transformers or Spidey and Friends or Encanto for the 30th time, Young Washington was reading philosophers and books on etiquette and social practical skills. He was constantly, fervently trying to improve himself. Wow. What more need we say about how he came to be one of the greatest heroes in any era, in any history. Just…wow.

Bold, bordering on brash, Young Washington used an illusion of breeding, guile, an intricate knowledge of social etiquette and buckets of charm to finagle his name onto some influential lips. Having gained a surveyor’s license along with inherited equipment, Young Washington parlayed those small skills into the employ of the Fairfax family, one of the most influential landowners of the era. This kind of stepping-stone becomes a theme in this movie. And George is ever looking for the next stone.

Few names, but one you will soon see more of

There are not many known names associated with Young Washington. Kelsey Grammar had a small part (Lord Thomas Fairfax). Mary-Louise Parker as George’s mother. Andy Serkis played a proper English [insert your preferred vulgar British sobriquet). And of course, the always amazing Ben Kingsley. But make no mistake, William Franklyn-Miller as Young Washington is an absolute revelation. I’ll be keeping an eye out for his next film. A quick check of his IMDB resume showed me absolutely nothing that I recognized, but whatever. Young Washington is Miller’s launch pad. Mark my words.

SO…the Average Dude is giving Young Washington a revolutionary score of 4/5. Not an annual watch, for sure. But totally worth your time and corn. Now, on to the second feature…

Was Lucky Strike a lucky find?

Right out of the gate, I have to wonder why Lucky Strike had only a single showing each day. Opening weekend? That’s a bit of a red flag and I’ll see what I can find out about why that was. But it was a WII movie, and it’s Fourth of July weekend AND it stars Scott Eastwood (the progeny of one Clint Eastwood) so sure. We’ll give it a try. Plus, we’ve been starved for good movies for so long and we’re kind of desperate. So. Long.

Lucky Strike is the ‘based on actual events’ story of…no one in particular. From what I can gather (post viewing), the ‘actual events’ claim comes by way of ‘these things did happen in the war’. Seems kind of disingenuous but again…

Lucky Strike tells the story of fictitious Army Captain Castle, tasked with taking out a road and preventing a German SS Panzer division from getting to Allied forces during the Battle of the Bulge. Capt. Castle’s entire squad it mowed down by a German patrol, but Castle manages to complete his mission. The bulk of Lucky Strike is about how an injured American soldier, wounded and alone, makes his way nearly 20 miles to safety across terrain crawling with German soldiers. Pretty typical WWII scenario.

Pretty much, the whole of this movie was Scott Eastwood overcoming obstacles (and Germans) in a ‘Behind Enemy Lines’ type of get home safe movie. He didn’t have any secret plans, no mission critical intel that would save the battalion. Just one dude trying to get home alive. And that was enough. The pacing was tight, the perils believable*. The outcomes were never in doubt. That didn’t take anything away from Lucky Strike. Knowing he would survive (because we learned it in the first 5 minutes of the movie) only changed the focus from ‘will he make it’ to ‘how much sh!t will he go through to make it?’.

I learned after the fact that there were quite a few technical details that this movie got wrong or completely ignored. WWII buffs might be disappointed by these details. Even now, knowing what they got wrong does not detract from my enjoyment of Lucky Strike (to any significant degree, anyway). In the end, it was about one dude overcoming obstacles to survive. And again, that was enough.

So, the Average Dude is giving Lucky Strike a serviceable 3.5 out of 5. Also not an annual watch but a nice way to finish off the holiday weekend. See it now, while the spirit of America 250 still lingers. That should help your enjoyment factor.

*If you want unbelievable WWII perils, might I suggest SISU. You’re welcome.

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Supergirl: getting the bad out of the way first

As usual, your humble Average Dude avoids reviews until after I’ve seen a movie with my own two eyes. From me, you get the most untainted opinion possible.

Did you learn nothing from Rachel Zegler?

Having said that, it was very literally impossible to avoid the whispers of how galactically awful Supergirl was going to be. I remained hopeful even in the face of the pre-release excuses Milly Alcock was schlepping out. I also recall the scuttlebutt surrounding opening weekend for The Thunderbolts* being bad. Your AD really liked that movie. So yeah, I still had hope that Supergirl might at least be okay. I was SO wrong.

Darn my starry-eyed optimism

This half of my weekly review is going to be thankfully short. If you saw the trailers for Supergirl, you’ve seen the movie. It was one contrived battle scene after another. Angsty, too-cool-for-you twenty-something girl is all about her woe-is-me life. Too self-involved to see the bigger picture outside of her own little bubble. Its been done to death. We get it already.

Was there a ‘hero’s journey? Well, it was a journey, I’ll say that. Kind of like the long drive home from your in-law’s house after a weekend of listening to them talk about their new aches and pains and medications. Did Kara Zor-El become a hero at the end? Ehhh…

Was there a dark night of the soul? It pretty much felt like one constant dark night of the soul, to be honest. No real moment where you thought that Supergirl might actually be facing a crossroads and have to choose…anything, really. No personal growth. Not a lick of empathy for anyone other than her dog (at least there was that).

Krem of the Meh

Was there a truly threatening, powerful and malevolent bad-guy to root against? Nah. More like a galactic street-level gang boss, thugging around with a vacant, wide-eyed look, morally oblivious to pretty much every pain he inflicted. Krem (I had to work to remember his name) was a comically empty character. The only thing that this actor did to make Krem his own – he seemed to always be eating. Maybe he borrowed that from RDJ (famous for hiding snacks on set).

Even the cinematography was wretched. Either I’m old (I’m not) and my eyesight is going south, or every scene was unwatchably dark. I mean, if Milly has any kind of acting range you wouldn’t know it because I just couldn’t see her face clearly enough to judge it.

You canna change the laws of physics

And for the love of heaven, was there nobody in connection with this movie that knows enough about physics to say ‘Uh…this can’t be done…’

Lo-moa

We’re done here. Short summary. Supergirl gets a less than super score of 2/5. The only bright spot in this movie was Jason Momoa’s Lobo (because who doesn’t love Momoa?). Sadly, he could have been completely removed from this movie and it would have changed exactly zero.

I just wasn’t strong enough…

So, let’s talk about Citizen Vigilante. Movies wrapped in controversy aren’t always going to get a review. I couldn’t bring myself to see Rachel Zegler’s Snow White and I’m not going to apologize for that. I love bringing you these reviews, but I’m only human. That would have been akin to volunteering to have my knuckles smashed with a hammer.

Now, Citizen Vigilante? That’s at least a controversy I can understand. And it’s worth discussing.

Citizen Vigilante is the story of a very wealthy individual (Armie Hammer, and we’ll get to him later) who sees the massive amount of pain heaped on everyday people by lawless, violent segments of the populous emboldened and enabled by corrupt governments. Law abiding citizens can’t even defend themselves – or even cry out for help – fearing severe penalties by the government that is supposed to protect them. For reasons as yet undefined, Sanders (his only name. Like Madonna only less vile) uses his impressive financial and mental resources to reign brutal ‘justice’ to the (presumably) guilty.

Chuck Bronson did it first

The story of Citizen Vigilante is a simple, classic trope. Justice denied turns to vengeance. I’m old enough to at least remember the whole Charles Bronson Death Wish franchise from the 70s (though I was too young to see them, thank you very much). Those were not very controversial back in the day. I think that people still had some confidence that the bad guys (for the most part) would be punished. At least for some regions of the world, that confidence is gone. And that is beyond tragic.

So far, we’ve not seen his like in actual practice, but the heart of this story is torn straight from today’s headlines. That is the whole point of Citizen Vigilante.

No wonder it’s gone viral

Obviously, this movie is making certain governments look really bad. And they are fighting by claiming that it will spawn copycat vigilantes, willing to take the law into their own hands. It might, that’s the thing. And there is a significant segment of society that will applaud those vigilantes for dispensing ‘justice’ when the powers that be would not. I’m not here to debate the rightness or wrongness of it all. I’m just stating the facts.

And, if we are being honest, Citizen Vigilante is a fantasy secretly harbored by many, who see the societal decay ravaging some European countries. It’s a sick fantasy, yes. But when we see the fall of free and just and moral society happening before our eyes, those fantasies are understandable.

Clearly, I’m in the majority

Citizen Vigilante is not a bad watch. Armie Hammer did a credible job in the title role, bringing a cold, meticulous malevolence when dropping the hammer (too on the nose? I couldn’t resist) to the bad guys. And the parallels to today’s headlines were. of course, on purpose. Whether this was planned as a built in marketing tactic or a cry for change, I can’t tell. Maybe both. Knowing which might make a difference in whether you watch it or not. For me, it wasn’t an issue. The message was more powerful than the motive.

Food for thought

Citizen Vigilante tapped into some very real emotions that are hard-wired into most of us. Hope in our knowledge of basic right and wrong. Punishment of evil. Fear of abandonment. Rage at betrayal of our trust.

Sanders becomes the avatar of justice, reminding us that the governments often (maybe mostly) aren’t here to serve us, but to serve themselves. That’s a big part of the message and it’s really hard to logically deny. And even though his actions are definitely ‘against the law’, it begs the conversation ‘Does that make them wrong?’

I’m not saying Citizen Vigilante is Citizen Kane. It isn’t. It’s a pretty formulaic movie that is given power by present circumstances. Timing, as they say, is everything. It definitely stokes the fires of anger and frustration. I’m not even saying that’s a good or bad thing. I will say that the answer to that question lies inside of each of us. Does it inspire us to take action (good or ill) or fuel depression (definitely ill)? It should at least inspire thought. If it doesn’t, well, you are in my prayers.

Until Citizen Vigilante 2

Either way, whatever way, your Average Dude is giving Citizen Vigilante a solid 3.2 out of 5. There is some unnecessarily graphic sex that shows Sanders has the same physical drives as any red-blooded male, and that adds a bit of depth to the character. But come on. We could have easily gotten the point in a lot less pornographic way. That seems to be the way of Hollywood these past few years. I’m not a fan of that trend.

And there will almost certainly be a Citizen Vigilante 2. I’ll be interested to see some back-story on how Sanders came to be who he is. That story will either validate the franchise or destroy it. Will the powers that be try to influence the story or will the it continue to ‘fight the system’? I’m hoping it doubles down, tbh.

And don’t think I’ve forgotten about the whole Armie Hammer controversy. He was cancelled for quite a long stretch because of reports of some truly heinous stuff. Hammer has denied all allegations of ‘non-consensual’ behavior, but openly admits to being in a very unhealthy place at that time. I have no idea if any of it is true. Nobody does. Let that factor in to whether you watch Citizen Vigilante or give it a pass.

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Disclosure Day suckered us in again

In point of fact: it has been no less than 25 years since Steven Spielberg helmed a quantifiable, undisputed, world-wide mega blockbuster. That movie was Saving Private Ryan and it graced our screens in 1998. There have been a few notable movies since, sure (Minority Report, War of the Worlds). But the last movie in his unmatched career that your humble Average Dude would consider an annual watch was nearly a decade ago (Ready Player One, a marvelously original geek-fest). Since that last W, Spielberg has brought us a mere trio of movies: The Fabelmans (yawn), West Side Story (don’t even get me started), and Disclosure Day. Here then, is my unvarnished review. As one of the greatest cinematic villains of all time said…

Kind of like Edward Snowden

Disclosure Day promised to be the ‘story’ of how an everyman of great conscience threw off the shackles of secrecy to bring truth to the people regarding one of the biggest questions the world has had since before I was born…are we alone in the universe? Dr of cybersecurity David Kellner, working for a shadowy government agency, steals evidence of E.T. existence and skedaddles out of town, intent on spilling all the beans. Somewhere along the way, he is granted mathematical super-powers by the aliens. Powers that allow him to interpret their language, which manifests in a series of guttural throat clicks.

Speaking of that…

For reasons unexplained, the aliens have decided to imbue a weather announcer from Kansas City (GO CHIEFS!) with some level of empathic super-powers. One of those abilities seems to be speaking in their tongue (if indeed they have that appendage). I won’t go into any further detail on those powers. That’s for you to discover on your own. If so inclined.

Disclosure Day hits hard, but not how you expect

So, why such a meager score? I mean, this is Spielberg! His bona fidas are well-established. He is the GOAT. He’s the Tom Brady of blockbuster movies. Do I even need to list them? That was rhetorical, I do not. There are no less than 10 of his movies on my annual watch list. That’s why this very ‘meh’ offering hits hard.

We are all wondering the same

The short list of problems with Disclosure Day: it is a muddled, meandering chase story with a villain posessing all the technology known to man (and some definitely NOT known to man) and yet seeming totally inept. I mean, come on. They let their greatest secrets sneak out the door and their private army is unable to capture a lone rogue scientist who is pretty much on foot. The ‘why’ of so much that happens never get answered in this WAAAY overlong mess. I have been heard to liken Disclosure Day to a Junior in High School student writing a screenplay that is part Close Encounters and part E.T. Brutal but accurate, I think.

The elephant in the room

There are some of us (myself included) that believe Steven Spielberg’s very public comments – that Disclosure Day will make you question your faith – to be nothing more than an attempt to get people talking about his movie. And perhaps to get a few people looking to find out what the heck he is talking about. Oh, and to spend their money. That’s what your humble Average Dude thinks.

The alternative is that Spielberg is so completely unknowledgeable about the core tenants of Christianity that he thinks the suggestion that a movie about aliens existing is going to shake it’s foundations. Its as if the concept wasn’t done (and done much better) in 1977 by little movie titled Close Encounters of the Third Kind. If true, that would actually worse than using social media to gin up controversy and interest.

Nah, I think it’s the former. Certainly the architect of some of the most beloved cinema in history – and that includes two movies where the existence of God and the divinity of His son are primary elements – knows something about our faith. So yeah, I think it was a marketing tactic. In the end though, it’s not going to win him any fans. And neither will this movie.

The big reveal

So, in utter disappointment, I am revealing that Disclosure Day deserves only a 2.2 out of 5. At best, it’s a slog. A yawner. Lackluster and uninspired. At worst, it’s a desperate attempt to relive his past glories.

And no. It does not shake my faith in God. Not one jot or tiddle. If that helps you to decide whether or not to spend your money, time and corn on it, then my job here is done.

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Obsession shocks the world, but not how you think

Everyone loves an underdog, don’t they? All the great Hollywood stories start with an underdog. Rocky. The Karate Kid. Cinderella Man. Even Star Wars. All classics, all tales of the little guy overcoming every obstacle, beating the odds and emerging on top. We eat it up. Maybe it’s because we all see ourselves as an underdog? I have opinions on that subject, but they aren’t for this venue. Whatever. It is hardly debatable that we, as a nation and possibly a human race, root for the guy (or girl) refusing to submit to the inevitable. And that’s the real attraction of Obsession.

The story told in Obsession is basically this: lovelorn wimp Bear (Michael Johnston) is so desperate to have the affection of long-time friend Nikki (Inde Navarrette) that he is willing to place his futile hopes on a witchcraft novelty toy, the One Wish Willow. For $6.99, Bear purchases what any sane person would know to be an impulse-buy of no actual value to force Nikki to give him what he desires…her love. It’s not hard to wrap your head around Bear’s motivations on their face. Self-serving, immature, even delusional want. The motivations of a child. It’s not until you dig a little deeper that Obsession starts to get ugly (or uglier, if you like).

Credit where credit is due

Right from jump street, I want to say that the two lead actors gave very serviceable performances. If Johnston isn’t a spineless wimp IRL, then he did a remarkable job in the role. His character was 100% cringe and that seems like it would be hard to believably pull off. Navarrette absolutely sold the part of an obsessed, psychotic girlfriend. I imagine that would be an easier part to play because it only demands that you commit to the over-the-top antics (think Jim Carey in nearly every role). So, kudos to them. Well done.

As for every other role in Obsession…well…I feel like pretty much anyone with a lick of acting courage could have filled the bill. Oddly, the only name of note was Andy Richter, of Conan Obrien second banana fame. How or why he was in this movie is a mystery. Blink and you’ll miss him, if you even knew who he was to begin with. But whatever.

You just got Punk’d. By a rookie.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock when it comes to Hollywood news, you already know the story behind the story. Obsession was written and directed by YouTuber Curry Barker and is his first wide-release horror movie. It was made on a budget of $750k and shot over a period of just weeks. To this date, it has grossed over $166M. Eat your heart out, Scream 7.

Obsession now exists in the rarified air of The Blair Witch Project in terms of budget-to-revenue percentage. If Hollywood isn’t panicking right now, the studios have surely created a department of non-mainstream talent acquisition. With ever rising production costs and insane star salaries, they’d be fools not to take note of the Obsession lesson.

I’m still trying to figure that out

So how did Obsession get so popular? In a time when theaters are struggling, what is putting butts in seats for this movie? I have a couple of theories, and none of them are awesome. I’d be very interested in having open discussions. Here goes nothing…

Content consumption is at an all-time high and not slowing down. In the long-ago, CC was considered an event. Dad and Mom would get gussied up to go to the theater and see the latest Humphrey Bogart movie.

Then along came television. Content Consumption took a massive leap upward. Moms would watch their ‘stories’ while folding the laundry. Kids would get up early on Saturday to watch cartoons. Then came HBO (now over 50 years old, and that bakes my melon). CC is now available 24/7.

Not long after, cable tv. The internet and streaming services. All content, all the time, in your pocket, on a device with more computing power than the room-sized magnetic tape spinning devices that sent astronauts to the moon. All in our lifetime.

So, it comes as zero surprise that a little guy YouTuber created something that captured an amazing amount of attention. When content comes from everywhere, constantly bombarding us with choices for our addiction to distraction, lightning was going to strike somewhere away from the Hollywood machine. And you can bet it won’t be the last.

But there has to be more to it, doesn’t there?

When I look at the male lead character for Obsession, I see a pitiable, weak, directionless, borderline slacker in the company of other slightly less pitiable characters. And I wonder…does this very low-T character resonate with young adults these days? Are they so scared that they can’t muster the courage to ask a girl out? So desperate that they will try anything? Even novelty witchcraft? Do young men sit in their cars alone at night screaming in frustration because they lack the confidence to go after their current heart’s desire?

These are some of the deeper issues that the popularity of Obsession brings to mind. Just observing the decline of maturity and stoicism in youth today. I guess that kind of empathy is something that usually comes with age.

SO…your humble Average Dude is going to give Obsession a wimpy 2 stars out of 5. A sad score for a sad movie. I went to see it partly out of curiosity, partly because my best friend’s eldest wanted a Dude’s night and it was his choice. We both agreed that we should have seen Backrooms instead.

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I was really looking forward to finding out how the horse got on the roof*

Your humble Average Dude is a fan of Nate Bargatze’s comedy, and I’m not really sure why. Is it because he has a very self-effacing style? Is it because he has amazing deadpan delivery and perfect timing? Could it be because his comedy is clean enough to watch with your grandmother? Or Mother Superior? Possibly. But there are lots of clean comics out there. And most comics have an understanding of timing. So what is it about Nate Bargatze that has captured us and propelled him to the point where Hollywood comes calling? I don’t know and at the end of the day, I don’t really care. I just know that I’m totally here for it.

Admittedly, I think I’ve only seen one full Nate Bargatze standup show start to finish. But nearly every single day I watch at least one of his YouTube or Facebook shorts. They make my day better. For about 30 seconds a shot, I get to forget all the doom-scroll negativity or day-to-day drudgery. And I love that. I need that.

But can he stick the landing?

I’ll admit I had some concern about the transition from standup to cinema. It seems like most comedians who get a level of success in clubs and then on Netflix eventually try to make the leap. Some are successful (Eddie Murphy is the one that comes immediately to mind). But there are others that just. Can’t. Do it.

Take Bert Kreischer. Probably the funniest standup show of my lifetime was The Machine. I laughed until my face was a soaking wet mess and my gut hurt for a day. So I was psyched to see the movie adaptation of that story. If you missed it (and you probably did), my review of that movie was…not great. But I’m a courageous fellow, so I rolled the dice on The Breadwinner. That, and Mrs Average Dude wanted to see it. Plus, there really wasn’t much else to see this week (what a surprise).

Mr Keaton, you are needed on set

I don’t know how many of you will remember the 1983 movie Mr Mom starring Michael Keaton. When people think about the home life role reversal scenario, that movie is kind of the OG gold standard to which all others are compared. So, The Breadwinner really isn’t breaking any new ground here. Hard-working provider dad is thrust into the world of the hard-working homemaker and finds out how hilariously inept and unprepared he is. Sitcoms have been mining this trope since the beginning. It’s classic situational comedy. I don’t really need to describe the movie any more than that.

It would be akin to beating a puppy in public

What sets The Breadwinner apart is both obvious and difficult to capture. Personality. Character. Likeability. These are qualities that Nate Bargatze possesses in quantum amounts. And in today’s world, those qualities are in high demand. Nate Bargatze is an unapologetic family man. His comedy is intelligent and clever (his SNL bits are priceless). He never yells, never debases anyone. He is non-political. His comedy is not divisive. How can he NOT be popular? I have not seen or heard of a single person, institution or entity that has anything bad to say about him or his comedy. In today’s social landscape, that’s unheard of.

The Black Widow Effect

As funny as Nate Bargatze is, it’s not unfair to point out that The Breadwinner imports more than one or two of the star’s standup moments. So it’s not 100% original material, sad to say. And there is a pretty decent supporting cast. Colin Jost, also a stay at home dad, is hilariously on-the-nose. Will Forte was even more inept in his role and they played off each other like two of the Three Stooges.

So yeah, Bargatze had help. But in the end, the heart of this movie is the audience belief that Bargatze is that guy, with all the faults and foolishness and misguided good intentions. I don’t know if that’s actually who he is, but I choose to believe it is. Because I want to believe it.

So, I am glad to give The Breadwinner a very decent score of 3.7 out of 5. There were plenty of chuckles and laughs (if no outright gut-busters). It was an entertaining and wholesome movie. Maybe you wait for it to get to Netflix, I would not blame you. But I don’t hate that I saw it in my moviehaus. Either way, wherever you want to see it, go ahead. That’s my recommendation. Couldn’t we all use an hour and 35 minutes of wholesome? Rhetorical. Of course we can.

*Oh, and FYI, the horse never does get on the roof. I deducted .1 for dishonsety on the movie poster.

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Mandalorian and Grogu is a step in the right direction

Once again, a whole lot of the Hollywood movie critic tribe is bashing hard on Mandalorian and Grogu, and I have to call them out for it. It has almost become cliche to bag on Disney over the past few years. That beat-down is well deserved. I don’t have to go over the laundry list of reasons, you are all very aware of them.

Surely it can’t get worse than the Acolyte…can it?

So, you can kind of understand how anyone might roll into Mandalorian and Grogu with trepidation…like we might get another like the thrice-darned* Acolyte. Would they do that to our beloved Yodababy?** History has taught us that no Star Wars heresy is off the table. So yeah. I understand the caution. I get it.

You knew the job was dangerous when you took it

But if you want to do the job of movie critic, you have to widen the gaze. You have to check your preconceptions at the concession stand. Often tough, I’ll grant you. But if you want to be trusted, you have to do it. So I do it.

Mandalorian and Grogu was about as safe a Star Wars movie as you can get

Remember in A New Hope when we saw a brief glimpse of a burned up Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru? As a kid, that was pretty ghastly. Today’s littles might not register that as even slightly shocking. and  Mandalorian and Grogu didn’t have that much viseral content. So yeah, this movie was as close to PG as you can get and still get the PG13 rating. Lots of bloodless violence, just the way Star Wars made it starting out. Which is funny, if you think about how many billions were killed between the destruction of Alderaan AND the ‘sploding of the Death Star. The body count is actually up there. But I digress.

The point is, I could take my 6 year old Naise to see it and we’d be fine. No trauma to deal with in his later years.

Darned if you do, darned if you don’t

So why all the hate for Mandalorian and Grogu? It was clearly a buddy action flick with no other agenda than to tell a single adventure. Yes, it was short on story. When Sigourney Weaver brought Mando in on a mission ‘to see what the Empire is up to’, you knew it was not going to be an Interstellar-level brain bender. And I was fine with that. More than fine, actually. It was a welcome break.

Mandalorian and Grogu was not going to try to stuff in as much SW lore or future movie foreshadowing as they could. It wasn’t going to rely on you knowing everything about every movie, cartoon or book that was ever created a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

And very thankfully, it contained no noticeable SJW agenda or current socio-political commentary. It was two really good guys dealing a beat-down to really bad guys. Simple as that.

 

And it had Yodababy

I guess that’s what bugs me about all the detractors and critics bashing on Mandalorian and Grogu. Disney took out all the stuff that made Acolyte a garbage compactor fire and made it like Star Wars was meant to be, and the critics cry foul because it didn’t further the lore. Gimme a break. Just enjoy the things that it did deliver. It was well-paced. There was action (the opening sequence was great!). It had loyalty, bravery, self-sacrifice. It had heart. Something that has been mostly lacking in the Star Wars offerings for a while now.

Star Wars Goonies

Mandalorian and Grogu was very much like SW: Skeleton Crew. In fact, Skeleton Crew had a more intricate story. And they both had an innocence more akin to A New Hope. I’m here to tell you that isn’t a bad thing at all. In A New Hope there was no lore yet. No backstory to be mindful of. And no future plans past three space heroes (and two dinged up droids) wearing medals and smiling for the crowd. A simple story with lovable characters. And we adored it. So I ask the question again…why can’t we love Mandalorian and Grogu the same way? Answer: we can. ‘Critics’ be darned.

Therefore…The Average Dude is proudly giving Mandalorian and Grogu at solid 4 out of 5. Could it have had a bit more story to it? Sure. And some of the action sequences really seemed far fetched (you’ll see what I mean). But was it fun? Absolutely. Did I laugh? Yep, in places and mostly due to Yodababy. And unlike last week’s disappointment, I had someone (or two) to root for. I mean, who’s not going to cheer for Mandalorian and Grogu? So quit all the hating and saying Star Wars is dead. This is a step in the right direction. And if we want to save it, we need to recognize that.

*In keeping with the PG/PG 13 theme for Mandalorian and Grogu

**One of my littles hates it when I call Grogu Yodababy. I poke that little bear every chance I get.

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In The Grey – the trailer sold the movie

Talk about your hit or miss directors! I get hopeful when I see Guy Ritchie’s name attached to a movie. I get even more hopeful when I see talent like Jake Gyllenhaal and Henry Cavill attatched. It’s easy to remember his top-shelf annual watch successes like the Sherlock Holmes series, Snatch or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Even his near misses like Man from U.N.C.L.E were entertaining. It makes you forget disappointments like The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. That’s how I felt about In The Grey. Like Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, a movie stuffed with great actors with a genuinely exciting premise, it seemed like a sure-fire winner.

And then it wasn’t

I genuinely don’t know what to make of Guy Ritchie. We can’t say it’s because of the acting talent. You’d be hard-pressed to assemble a better cast than In The Grey. Gyllenhaal and Cavill are bona fide A-Listers. Rosamund Pike and Eiza González are certainly well-known. So what went wrong? Can’t a star-studded cast turn a mediocre story into a hit? Wellllll…

I know what I said

Last week’s review of Mortal Kombat II, I pointed out that retread, predictable, mediocre story + Karl Urban = a decent enough movie. And for MKII, it did. That was just one talented actor. So, wouldn’t more be…more? Apparently not.

So what was the problem with In The Grey? After giving it a bit of thought (which is what you come to expect from me) I think it was the story itself. On multiple levels.

The story of In The Grey was just what the title claims…a story of people making insane amounts of money doing legal but morally questionable things to people doing illegal and morally despicable things. No redemption arc that would have made this a better movie. Not even some internal conflict about motivations or ends justifying means. Just rich people busting the balls of other rich people, with no other motivation than loyalty to one another and to the job at hand. People willing to do whatever it takes to achieve the goal. That’s the first problem with this story.

But wait…there’s more!

Setting aside that we, as normal, average people with a moral compass that has something other than $$$ as its magnetic north, there’s the actual storytelling structure. In The Grey spent an abnormally large amount of its runtime defining and explaining multiple plans for how this movie would play out if all went perfectly. Spoiler that isn’t really a spoiler: it didn’t. I mean, they spent a really long time explaining these things. Not necessary. We get the premise. Plan in place. Plan goes off the rails. Chaos ensues.

What you would expect is a lot of time exploring the stars reaction to their thwarted plan, their emotional struggles. Maybe even a dark night of the soul moment. In The Grey didn’t really have any of that. We were already having struggles emotionally connecting with these characters who live in a totally different (and also, not really real) jet-set/soldier of fortune lifestyle. We couldn’t even have empathy for them on any human level because they were all so emotionally vacant.

Give us the upside

Sure it had action. But action for action’s sake is not much more than background noise. I can’t remember a single action sequence in this movie that sticks out. We’ve seen it all before. And without any investment in the characters, holding your breath to see if they live or die doesn’t happen. I guess if I had to put a pin in the best thing about this movie, I’d say it was Jake Gyllenhaal. In his screentime, he brought as much personality as he could. And his scene from the trailer where he was cautioning Gary to stand quietly in the corner? That was the best scene of this movie. And THAT is the biggest disappointment.

 

So, I am giving In The Grey a very ‘meh’ 2.8 out of 5. There’s nothing new here. Screentime for the headliners was pretty minimal. Henry Cavill was so unmemorable that I can’t even recall one scene of his that stood out. Eiza González had the most minutes. But how much entertainment value can the ‘soulless, tough as nails corporate attorney looking pretty and kicking legal @$$’ provide? This movie was somewhat short on actual action, LOOOONG on exposition and really short on heart. Pretty people doing selfish things and it’s gotten old. And boring. It felt like Ritchie might have been phoning this one in, sad to say. Full disclosure: I nodded off during the big finale action sequence. What does that tell you?

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Mortal Kombat II…sigh…

As you’ve heard me say waaay too often this year, there was not a lot to choose from this weekend. Not psyched for a live-action sheep mystery. No interest at all in a Billie Eilish concert flick. And I don’t even want to know what this is all about.

So, the default winner for this Mother’s Day weekend (Love you, mom! Love you Mrs Average Dude!) is Mortal Kombat II. MKII is the second installment of the reboot, which started back in 2021. Do I even need to rehash my distain over long wait times between sequels? Still waiting on Fast and Furious X pt 2…and ONLY for the over-the-top performance by Jason Mamoa. If the whole rest of the cast drove off into the sunset, that’d be okay-fine with me. But I digress.

Mentally prepared

To remind ourselves about the whole plot and tenor of Mortal Kombat, Mrs Average Dude and I watched the first installment on Friday. It was what you might have expected. Short on story, long on martial arts mayhem. Kicks and blocks and chi super-powers. I didn’t remember one single thing from this movie. Not even that I saw it. After the credits rolled, I might classify it as a mildly entertaining popcorn pusher that probably came out in early August (Yep, I just looked it up. August 18, 1995).

The Urban Effect

I will come right out and say it…after (re)watching the first, I did not have high expectations for Mortal Kombat II. In fact, I probably have skipped it altogether if not for the addition of one Karl Urban.

Urban’s star has never been higher and I can’t remember a single thing he has been in that I didn’t enjoy very much. He nailed Bones McCoy in the Star Trek reboot of 2009. He turned Judge Dredd into a cult classic. His comic take on Skurge in Thor Ragnarök I have mixed feelings on, but only because I respect the original story from the comics as a kid. Do you remember his small but perfect role in the Lord of the Rings franchise? And don’t get me started on Billy Butcher. Karl Urban brings it, every time.

So, on his addition alone I opted in for Mortal Kombat II. And I think that decision by New Line Cinema saved MKII from being a sad, rehash of the tepid first movie that probably would have bombed.

Talk about Yin and Yang

Let’s face it…if you saw the first, you know the story. It hasn’t changed. Nothing new has been added (literally) other than Johnny Cage (Urban). And while the story didn’t revolve around him nearly as much as it could have (and probably should have), he was in it just enough to bring some much needed comedy, empathy and audience engagement. Without that critical element, the only folks who would have enjoyed Mortal Kombat II in the slightest would have been hardcore gamers from the early 90s and total martial arts cinema fans. There’s a reason why every Jacky Chan needs a Chris Rock. Urban was the yin to all the yang in this movie.

There’s really not much else to say

So, was Mortal Kombat II worth my time and corn? Eh, sure. Barely. If I find out I skipped a better movie (I’m giving Sheep Detectives the side-eye right now) for MKII, I’ll be PO’d. As it is, Mortal Kombat II gets a very lackluster 2.8 our of 5. Without the awesome Urban, this easily would have been a 2. At best. My best advice is to wait a couple more weeks and it will be on Prime or Max. Good enough for a pre-summer Saturday night double feature, if your baseball team isn’t doing so well (looking at you, Royals). But for prime time date night? Look elsewhere.

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The Mummy – Like crossing the Sahara

Dudes…it has been SUCH a dry year at the show. Seriously bad. Your humble Average Dude has been heading out to my local moviehaus weekly for pretty much my whole adult life. Not so this year. Part of that is because of a busy schedule. Add to that the abundance of shows that might be worth watching on stream. But mostly, there just hasn’t been anything to really get excited about. Project Hail Mary, sure. Now You See Me 3 was good but not great. Usually, I can find something remotely worth spending my time and money on (receipts: I actually went to see The Meg 2 in theater).

This year, I’ve skipped multiple weeks. For a dude that loves everything about the theater experience to hard pass…that’s a problem for the industry. A big problem.

Dude forgot to do his homework

This week, there were a couple of options that at least showed up on the radar. One was ‘Normal’, starring Bob Odenkirk, which seemed a little too much like a cookie-cutter copy of Nobody (WHAT??? Hollywood would schlep out a rebranded product? Surely not!). So I opted to wait for it to show up on stream. I don’t think it will be long. Instead, I went to see Lee Cronin’s The Mummy.

I chose…poorly.

You may have heard of them

The Mummy stars nobody you’re absolutely positive you know from somewhere. Zero bankable names. That should have been my first clue that something was off. With the two previous iterations of The Mummy in my lifetime, they were headlined by known action stars – Brendan Frazier and Tom Cruise. Actors known for action movies. So, I (and many others, from what I am hearing) assumed that Lee Cronin’s The Mummy would follow suit. You know what they say about assumptions.

Lee Cronin’s The Mummy takes the historical premise of the character and ‘re-imagines’ it. That word should have also tipped me off to at least investigate further. I can’t remember a single movie that has been re-imagined (air quotes) that has turned out well. Yes, there is a mummy. Sure, there is a curse on said mummy. Yes, that curse is accidentally loosed on an unsuspecting world. That is where the similarities end, I’m afraid. Lee Cronon is a director I’ve never heard of before and I completely regret not looking up his IMDB profile. Again, I failed to do the homework.

Why I’m Hatin’ on The Mummy

I’m not going to go into the details of this movie. I can’t. Not because of my solemn vow to avoid spoilers. It’s because there was nothing positive that it added to my life. The Mummy was a few small jump scares and a lot of garbage scenes with the sole intent to evoke shock and disgust. Clearly that was the goal and Cronin accomplished it. And it’s not like I haven’t seen my share of disgusting things both in and out of theaters. I guess it’s that, with maturity, I’ve learned that purposefully subjecting myself to it isn’t a good thing.

But The Mummy doesn’t stop with just the gross-out stuff. Nope. Cronin also incorporates the hellish. Demons and possessions and whatnot aren’t new to cinema. It’s been around since long before my time. But, as with pretty much everything, the ante always needs to be upped. And that’s the thing that has me hating on The Mummy the most.

Not since I was in high school

Back in the day, your humble Average Dude was into the slasher movies. Friday the 13th. Nightmare on Elms Street. Halloween. I get it. We were into the new, the extreme. Those were the extreme of the day. Again, Hollywood has to ratchet things up for the next one or the movie and franchise will fail.

Fast forward to today. We have the new breed of slasher films like Hostel and Spiral and Insidious and the list goes on. There’s a massive market for it. This iteration of The Mummy falls right in that basket of body parts. The villains these days are not only satanic, they’re also all-too human. They’re hideously depraved folks next door. That’s not great. I don’t have the time to go into all the many reasons why. Let’s just say that new generations getting used to seeing amoral people inflict heinous, soulless things on other people is tragic. It’s not overstating to say that cinema is displaying the fall of civilization. And its on the Grand Screen.

So where did the 1 come from?

There was a point in this movie where I leaned over to Mrs Average Dude and said ‘I could not hate this movie more than I do’. How then, can I give it even 1 out of 5? I guess because my take is personal. The actors did their jobs. The mission was to evoke revulsion. Mission accomplished. And I can’t give it a flat ZERO because I didn’t do my homework. So, it’s on me. I am saddened that this type of movie exists and there is a market for it. If this is your thing, you will like it well enough, and I’m sad for you. I really am. Please rethink your choices.

Some reviews basically call it ‘meh’ as far as the genre goes. It’s not even as gross-out/demonic/depraved as this genre gets? Holy guacamole.

So, it is with HUGE sadness I admit that Lee Cronin’s The Mummy made me The Dummy and I’m begrudgingly giving it a 1 out of 5 on a technicality. It’s detrimental to your core well-being and if this is your thing, I am truly praying for you.

A couple of Rotten Tomatoes professional reviewers had this to say:

‘It’s been a while since a horror film came along that left you genuinely fearful for the spiritual wellbeing of all involved.’ ~ Robie Collin, Daily Telegraph

Donald Clark of the Irish Times called it ‘recreational revulsion’.

What more need be said?

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Project Hail Mary  – like a cool drink after a long dry spell

Your humble Average Dude has tried to bring you reviews every single week. And to be totally honest, I’ve fallen down on the job. Life intervenes. And while I did go see Avatar 3 (just like Avatar 1 & 2), Greenland 2 (disappointing) Shelter (meh) and Anaconda (better than expected) I did not have time to bring you my take on them. I will do better for you. I promise.

The littles give me an excuse

And it’s not totally without justification. The in-theater options have been weak. Maybe I could have seen HOPPERS, but I usually save those for when I get to see the littles. They’ve been pretty busy, too. The pickings are getting slimmer all the time. Part of that is due to rising production costs and tighter pockets in Hollywood. We can blame streaming. Blame the declining quality of writing. Blame the actor’s inability to read the room and just shut up about politics. Whatever. There just hasn’t been much to pique our interest.

But now we’re back, and as a bonus, my good friend Drew is going to co-review Project Hail Mary. AND…he has the added benifit of having read the book from which it was adapted. Without further ado, here we go…

Hail Mary by name, Hail Mary by nature

It’s no secret that Hollywood is frantic over the changing entertainment landscape. Plumeting ticket sales, rising competition by streaming and the looming threat of AI are all putting a strain on Tinseltown, with no solution on the horizon. I don’t think there is one.

Sadly, the Average Dude thinks the writing is on the wall. Cinema’s days are numbered. And that makes me sad. There are some movies that are best seen on the big screen. Jurasic Park. Independence Day. Twister. I could go on but you get it. Watching dinosaurs on a 13 ” tv in your living room absolutely robs you of the stunning moment you first saw them striding across a two story tall screen. A xenomorph is so much less threatening on your tablet or iPhone than it is in a darkened theater.

And for those that care to remember, how was your shared theatrical experience when you saw this scene on opening weekend? Just not the same, is it? That’s what is being lost.

For me, this was a movie I knew I had to see in theaters. I read the book back in 2021 and then shortly after I finished the book it was announced that the movie was being made and Ryan Gosling was playing the lead. I was so excited because I knew Ryan Gosling could definitely play the role. He already has 1 space movie under his belt playing Neil Armstrong in “First Man”. I had waited 3 years for a trailer to finally drop.

After the trailer finally dropped, I went back and read the book again. I will say when the trailer dropped, I was both excited and a little skeptical because they had shown one of the biggest twists in the book.

But I digress

While Project Hail Mary didn’t have a seminole moment like this one*, it none-the-less was a spectacle deserving of the biggest screen, no question.

I actually disagree with this. 1) I don’t think you can compare these 2 movies, 2 different types of missions. If anything, you could naybe compare to “Interstellar” but Hail Mary blows that movie out of the water. But that’s a different discussion for a different day. 2) There are 2 really big scenes that will make you tear up and both were in the book too. I was very pleased that they kept them and did not alter them.

Hollywood with a pass and a prayer attempted to bring a bit of hope back to a devastatingly slow first quarter.

Grace, you go long….

Project Hail Mary is the story of Ryland Grace, a middle school science teacher with a degree in molecular biology. In this future world, our scientists have discovered that earth’s yellow dwarf star is dying, being eaten by a microscopic life form dubbed the astrophage. Earth is cooling at a fantastic rate. The prognosis is grim…30 years before global cooling starts causing mass starvation.

What is also discovered is that every star in our solar system is also suffering the same catastrophic event. Every star except one. Tau Ceti. The governments of the world unite in a plan to use the astrophage’s explosive properties to fuel a ship to Tau Ceti in a desperate attempt to discover how it is unaffected by the star-eater and get that hope back to earth. A true Hail Mary.

Ryland Grace is just an interesting character altogether. I think another standout character was actually Eva Stratt played by Sandra Huller. Eva Stratt is the most powerful person on the planet at this point in time and Huller played her perfectly.

The Bad News

As fate would have it, Grace is the only survivor of the three-person crew sent to Tau Ceti. This he discovers after awakening from his medically induced coma with retrograde amnesia and pieces together the dire reality of his situation. Grace, the only non-astronaut on this mission, carries the fate of the entire world on his shoulders. That’s a lot of pressure.

When the road gets rocky

It turns out, earth is not the only galactic lifeform that has sussed out the source of their shared calamity. Upon reaching Tau Ceti, Grace runs into a golem-like creature he names Rocky. It’s clear early on that Rocky is not hostile and is very intelligent. They work out a way to communicate and thus begin to work together in an attempt to save both of their planets.

Rock Star

Rocky quickly becomes the star of this movie. It is a pleasure to learn more about him (her? It?) Though intelligent beyond earthly standards, he is still childlike and innocent, finding great joy in learning about his new friend. There seems to be no guile, no dishonesty, no unkindness in Rocky. We are drawn to the magnetism he has no idea he possesses.

Full disclosure: there are some unanswered questions and plot holes in this movie that we could easily pick it apart if we wanted to. We don’t. What Project Hail Mary gives us is much, MUCH greater than any desire we might have to find flaw. Hope rewarded. Truest friendship when we definitely feel undeserving of it. The very definition of Grace, as it were. These things are baked into our human DNA and the Biblical comparisons are there, if you care to see them.

Rocky was the one I was most nervous about seeing on screen. Again, when the first trailer dropped, i was skeptical because they showed Rocky’s hands and he looked bigger than how he is described in the book. But I was very pleased with the final product AND they used quite a bit of puppetry to bring Rocky to life! Which is so cool that the filmmakers went that route for him. The banter between Grace and Rocky brings a lot of laughs and some tears because you see how beautiful their friendship is. Loved every bit of this. AMAZE AMAZE AMAZE!

Not perfect but…

SO…with much relief I give you these words of GREAT encouragement…go see Project Hail Mary. I was tempted to give it a perfect score but, at 2 hrs 36 minutes, it was a wee bit long and dragged some in the beginning. It’s also not quite as ‘feel good’ as The Martian*. Still, it’s instantly on the annual watch list and I’m giving it a rock-solid 4.8. Don’t wait until someone accidentally ruins it for you. Though even if my friend Drew drops spoilers that I don’t catch (he didn’t, well done, sir), I promise you that the journey will still be worth your time. Trust your humble Average Dude.

This to me is a perfect book to film adaptation. The filmmakers did not deviate from source material and the little things they did take out due to time really wouldn’t have added much more to the story. I do wish there was a little more added when Grace is helping Rocky with understanding why his crew didn’t survive. But that’s really the only thing that I wish they added more depth on. Other than that, this is a 4.9 for me.

Not for nothing

*Project Hail Mary was written by Andy Weir, the same guy who brought us The Martian. I loved that movie a bit more, possibly because it had this stand up and cheer moment. 

Don’t get me wrong, The Martian is a perfect book to film adaptation as well. I just can’t compare the two because the stories are so different so I don’t think its fair to say one is better than the other. Again, Project Hail Mary I would maybe compare to Interstellar but this one beats it by 13 light years.

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