Author: todd.wade

The Meg 2: The Trench ain’t deep

Rodman Philbrick is an American author whom I had never heard of until I Googled quotes about bad things. He once wrote “I don’t suppose anybody really knows how bad a thing can be until it actually happens.”. A generic truth that could have been written specifically about The Meg 2: The Trench. Me sitting through this movie actually happened and I didn’t really know how bad it could be. But oh, how I know it now.

Full disclosure, I suspected badness from the git-go. I saw Meg the first back in 2018. It was an August movie, which was strike one. Everyone knows that movies released in August and February are almost exclusively poop-trash (with the notable exceptions of Guardians of the Galaxy – August 2014, and Deadpool – February 2016). Those months are the movie ‘dead zone’. The Meg was as ‘meh’ as ‘meh can get, a total throwaway show. I literally only remembered that Jason Statham and a big shark were in it. But, because I love you all THIS MUCH, I took a bullet for you with The Meg 2: The Trench. Greater love hath no man…

Because of legal representation…

The Meg 2: The Trench again starred Jason Statham and Cliff Curtis (and a few others that I’ve been informed by their lawyers I must keep out of any reference to this movie). Once again, they are called to ‘the trench’, a super deep pit with a layer of super-cold water that keeps the super shark from menacing the oceans, lakes, streams and public swimming pools of earth. That’s science. This time around, the intrepid gang has somehow captured a female meg and is keeping it in a lagoon like Shamu. For study, of course. And apparently training. And this is the point where I knew things were going to go terribly, terribly wrong for me.

The Meg 2; The Trench starts out as a fairly benign, formulaic monster movie in the vein of Rampage, Kong and the like. Well-meaning scientists want to study this wonder of nature because climate. Nefarious forces embedded in the group of good-guys scheme to subvert the science for financial gains. Deckard Shaw/Handsome Rob/Lee Christmas/Jonas Taylor (Jason Statham always plays the same guy, which I’m totally good with) just happens to be visiting his Meg the First pals when the evil cabal plans come to fruition. Hi-tech adventure ensues (which was a total waste of Statham’s kick-@$$ action style, which I am NOT good with) and the evil cabal is thwarted. The End.

Except it wasn’t. To the detriment of everyone involved.

Had The Meg 2: The Trench ended there, it would have been exactly what I expected from a B movie second pass released in August. But for reasons unimaginable, the movie devolved into Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. I’m guessing here…I never saw that Sci Fi channel masterwork even though it starred Debbie Gibson (Shake Your Love) and Lorenzo Lamas (star of I have no frickin’ idea).

To further up the ante, we have a school of super sharks threatening a nearby vacation paradise. Now, I know it seems illogical to point out that being ON LAND would be kryptonite to the salt water assassins (there are some other trench-dwellers that have legs and can breathe oxygen because science). But we watchers had long abandoned anything like logic. Or coherent story-telling expectations. Or self-esteem.

I could truly go on and on with examples that seem to suggest that this movie was actually written by a 5th grade class’ suggestions pulled from a hat. I think you all get the point. The overuse of conveniently available MacGuffins is mind-boggling. Worse, these MacGuffins were also created by 5th graders who got D’s in science. If I hadn’t already checked out by the third reel…

RIP Handsome Rob…

I love me some Jason Statham. Even though he is the same guy in all of his movies, I still take notice when I see his name on the marque. I loved Hobbs and Shaw. Fight me. So, seeing Statham jetison every ounce of work integrity he had by signing on for this chum bucket movie just hurts the heart. I don’t know how or if he can bounce back from this. Maybe if he saves the life of Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell.

Sometimes bad is good. But not today

I watched the movie Machete way back in 2010 (Sept 3, which is still in the Dead Zone). That was a rare, rare bad movie that was so bad it was good. It’s a highly subjective category but I feel safe in proclaiming Machete as such if viewed under the right circumstances. It almost feels like that’s what The Meg 2: The Trench was going for. Sadly, that was never going to work.

If I am pressed to find something that I liked about this movie experience, I’m going to have to cheat just a little. I saw this on Cheapskate Tuesdays at the 10 AM showing. I was one of two moviegoers in the building that early and the only one in my theater. It was nice. The smell of old and new popcorn. The squeak of my arm on cool theater seats. The whisper of my sneakers on the carpet. The muzak that sounded overloud in the empty lobby. All of these things were memories of the best jobs in my youth. So awesome.

I am giving The Meg 2: The Trench a .5 out of 5 (if there had been even one gratuitious boob in it, the number would be 0). At least the little yorkie in reel 3 survived and that’s worth a .5. I implore you…if you like Jason Statham movies at all, avoid this at all costs. Together, we might be able to save a career.

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Like almost everyone else on planet earth and parts of the known galaxy, I’ve heard the outraged opinions about the Barbie movie from both the right and the left. And to be fair, there is some truth to a lot of it. I will do my very best to avoid that. I mean, enough is enough, right? I do not subscribe to the tribalist mindset. Not only do I believe we can bring both tribes together, I think we have to. If we are going to survive as a country and a species, we have to find our way back from the edge.

In so saying, I appreciate a lot of what the Barbie movie had to offer. Did I like it? Parts of it, I did. Were there parts that were poop-trash? Yeah, there were, for sure. But try, if you can, to set aside your biases and pretend that this is just a movie about a child’s doll. Because at its core, that is exactly what it is.

Check your lenses at the concessions stand

Advice to the right-wing Barbie movie haters…you need to stop viewing this through the lense of the problems of current culture. Remember, movies are (for the most part) supposed to be an escape from those things. If you do that, there is a movie here that has some redeeming qualities.

Offering advice to Hollywood about excising woke from their movies is a lesson in futility. And, in this case, the clash of political ideolgies only served to sell more tickets for Barbie. Was it part of the plan for this movie to become a standard-bearer for wokeness? Don’t know. What I do know is that this movie contained a metric shite-ton of wokeness even as it overtly ridiculed same. I found this to be curious, hilarious and disheartening in turn. Everything about this movie is appealing to a certain sub-culture of society. Again, this is a child’s toy. Specifically, a female child’s toy. That there are a lot of adult men excited for this movie is…well…insert eye-roll here.

Okay, now that I have that all out of the way, lets look at the things I liked about Barbie. From the git-go, this movie reminded me of Wreck-It-Ralph…an inanimate thing (or block of code that has not achieved AI status…yet) that has now realized that there is a bigger existence than previously imagined. This part was fun. Toy Story did it better, but whatever.

‘There is no Ken without Barbie’

The status of Ken as an accessory of Barbie and his existential angst over that was hilarious. And in the world of Barbie, totally true. Nothing to get bent out of shape over. Or to cheer for. Remember…it’s Barbieworld. The world of a little girl. Feminists who love this as a champion of their cause or right-wing anti-wokers alike are overlooking the fact that Kenneth Sean ‘Ken’ Carson has been a Barbie accessory for 62 years. Stop trying to coopt him for your respective causes. Jeez.

Then Barbie took a page from Pleasantville. Societal norms are tested and shattered by this new truth. Cartoonish emotional reactions ensue: fear, disgust, denial, rejection. Margo Robbie portrayed a sentient child toy’s journey through all these stages quite well. Again, we saw it done to perfection with Buzz Lightyear, but whatever.

Sometimes less is more

Finally, the Barbie movie shoehorned Pinocchio in. Having seen and heard too much, Barbie couldn’t be happy with her life of ease and excess and perfection. The fog of illusion was dispersed. No closing Pandora’s box (giggety). Adding this element is a lot to digest in one movie and something had to suffer. In retrospect, it might have been a good idea to explore this path in Barbie 2: the Awakening. But whatever.

There is a lot more that could have been left out of the Barbie movie that would have made it so much better and so much less of a controversy. The woke-embracing, angry, entitled bully-child was cliche’ and unnecessary. Worse, it was poorly done. Same thing with the Mattel boardroom filled with corportate suckups headed by a man-child (played by a completely un-funny Will Ferrell). Totally gratuitous. And don’t get me started on the mega-cringe anti-patriarchy diatribe spewed in the final reel. Puh. Leez.

To try and sum it all up and failing miserably…

 

I get that maybe adult women would want to see Barbie. Nostalgia. Fashion. Girl stuff. Even a reminder that women can achieve greatness in their own right. Not that anyone needed that reminder. It’s common knowledge at this point and Barbie over the decades had something to do with that. Much in the same way, dudes love seeing a Transformers or G.I. Joe movie. Cool tech toys come to life. ‘Splosions. Good childhood memories. It’s not quite the same but you get the point.

Trying to turn Barbie into a woke commentary on patriarchy fails utterly because in doing that you have to recognize that Barbieworld is a matriarchy on steroids. Or estrogen. Or whatever. You can’t really promote the one without recognizing the other. That would be blatant hypocrisy. Sadly, this movie tried to do exactly that. Even the most dishonest intellectual observation has to acknowledge this. Just a gentle scratch of the surface on the Barbie movie reveals so much that is antithetical to woke ideology that it melts my brain. Which brings me to my final point…

It kind of annoys me when I see the major right-wing talking heads trying to brow-beat us with the anti-woke battle cry. My dudes, we get it. We got it a long time ago. Believe it or not, we are smart enough to see what you all see and brave enough to take appropriate action. And we are smart enough to watch the Barbie movie and not get unconsciously indoctrinated into the ranks of woke. Let a word to the wise be enough and trust us.

After all of this, I’m giving Barbie a 3/5. There’s a lot of fun in this movie. Unfortunately, it gets blunted or outright abandoned in the third reel (that’s an ancient projectionist term. Look it up). Enjoy it if you dare. Remember that doll and movie alike are pretty much just plastic. And sorry for the Pandora’s box (giggety) joke. Couldn’t help myself.

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Okay, I admit that I am as susceptable to movie marketing blitzes as anyone, even while being fully aware of them. So given a monumentally difficult choice* between seeing Oppenheimer and Barbie, I chose the one I heard the most positie buzz about. I saw Oppenheimer.

*Dude’s note – that is a facetious statement. I am putting off seeing Barbie until Tuesday ‘Cheapskate Day’ at my local moviehaus. I am not looking forward to this. I do it for you. You’re welcome.

Oppenheimer is a biopic helmed by the awesome Chris Nolan and starring the equally talented Cillian Murphy as Robbert ‘Bobby’ Oppenheimer. Oppenheimer is the titular head of the Manhattan Project, the US entry in a horserace with the Germans to create an atomic bomb. The media blitz focused primarily on Murphy’s role, with a smattering of Matt Damon and Emily Blunt thrown in for variety’s sake. What I didn’t know, however, was that those three were just the tip of the iceberg. Oppenheimer is literally exploding with talent unheralded. I will go as far as to say that some of these performances were the best of this movie.

I am…RDJ.

To wit, I point out the spectacular performance of one Robert Downey Jr. RDJ expertly played not one, but two different shades of Lewis Strauss, a Jewish-American philanthropist who eventually became a member of the US Atomic Energy Commission and who, for unclear reasons, became an advarsary of Oppenheimer.

Flo Pugh does it all. Literally.

The next pleasant surprise was Florence Pugh, powerfully playing Berkley student and card-carrying communist Jean Tatlock. Tatlock was Oppenheimers romantic obsession/sexual fixation and Pugh did indeed play the part with…ahem…gusto. I’ll never look at Black Widow’s sister the same again.

Do you really want me to point them all out for you?

Other very notable players in this movie were Josh Hartnett (good to see him again), Casey Affleck, Kenneth Branagh, Jack Quaid, David Dastmalchian, Mathew Modine, Scott Grimes, Michael Angarano and even Rami Malek had a tiny part that was fun to see. I could go on for a minute, but you get the point. And I love unannounced cameos. I may even someday do a blogpost of my favorites over the years. But I digress. The point is, it almost seems like Chris Nolan sat outside the sound stage sipping a mojito and just grabbed any actor that happened to be walking by and threw them in. I like it a lot.

So, the magnificent star-power aside, on to the movie itself. I kind of felt like it was having trouble finding itself. It was a biopic, sure. But in trying to add a little something – I guess? – to make a tough-topic biopic like Oppenheimer his own, Nolan added some stuff that I genuinely had me asking myself ‘whut the whut?’ Unnecessary to say the least. If there were more moments like…I don’t even know what to call them…the sureality?…then maybe they would have worked. But they were too few and far between and does that kind of thing even belong in a biopic? Soooo…nope. Swing and a miss.

Likewise, the aforementioned sex scenes between Oppenheimer and Tatlock were pretty graphic and, in my opinion, unnecessarily so. The relationship may have been true to actual events but honestly didn’t do anything to add to the story as a whole. If we want to tell the actual story of Oppenheimer then I get it. But if that, then why take the focus off of Oppenheimer and tell the backstory of Strauss (which was a real treat, I might add). It just seemed fractured to me.

Also, amid a firestorm of great performances (RDJ, Damon, Tom Conti and of course, Emily Blunt) it felt like Cillian Murphy’s turn as Robert Oppenheimer was kind of one-note and bland. It could be that the portrayal was an accurate characterization, I’ll grant that. But it would not be the first time Hollywood changed the personality or demeanor of a real life character to punch up a movie. I mean, were the sex scenes strictly adherent to history? Just sayin’.

Was Oppenheimer a blast…or a bomb?

Answer: Neither. Am I glad I saw Oppenheimer? Sure, if only for the surprise of seeing a new cameo every 5 minutes. Was it all it could be? Nah, not even close. It didn’t go far enough into the underbelly of the Manhatten Project, the politics (of which there are plenty) and the players. I’m sorry, but Oppenheimer the man just didn’t come off as that interesting a character. And having a one dimensional focus character makes the 3 hour run-time a slog at times. So, a little bit of a dud, not an actual bomb. Is that irony? Not really but it sideswipes it. As biopics go, I wont be rewatching this on the regular like I do Cinderella Man. Giving it a3.5/5.

And…I’m going to see Barbie at the bargain shoppers cheapskate show tonight. Sometimes feeling something…anything…is better than feeling nothing.

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Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning Totally Delivers!

If we are judging movie franchises in general, the MI movies have to rate near the top. Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning Part 1 is shaming the whole of Hollywood. While the rest of the industry stumbles along a self-destructive course, here is a 61 year old Tom Cruise gifting us with a 7th (and soon to be 8th) tasty helping of MI. Is it just me, or does it seem like Tom Cruise is the only dude in Hollywood that actually knows what we want to watch and is willing to give it to us? And has, in fact, been doing it with Mission Impossible for nearly 30 years!

It Doesn’t Take Scooby Doo to figure out this mystery…

That’s a rhetorical question. Hollywood knows perfectly well what we like. As recently as a decade ago we were still being treated to some awesome movies that pretty much omitted the ‘new age’ messages that they are trying to force-feed us. Maybe they were counting on us to just consume because there was nothing else to consume and we’ve become a nation of folks who just want to be distracted from the shite-storms that swirl all around us every day. Maybe they are so convinced of their self-deity that they no longer want to entertain us, but mold us.

Whatever their reasons, it’s clear that the movie-makers who stick to the mantra of ‘give them what they want’ will be making bank. Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning is totally going reward Paramount. And I think it’s safe to say that Cruise is the most bankable star in the world. Last year, he gave us Top Gun: Maverick. This year, it’s Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning Part 1. Next summer, we get Part 2 (I can’t wait!) Three years running that Cruise will be the top grosser in Hollywood by bucking the system. Bravo and kudos, Mr. Cruise. You are the MAN.

Man plus Machine equals Mission…

Enough pontificating…What is there to like about Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning? Plenty. Per it’s formula, the action smacks you in the face from the very start. Only this time it comes in the form of telling the villain’s back-story. Fast-forward to the current-day, where Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise, and if you needed me to tell you that, you can see yourself out…) has been enlisted to find the MacGuffin(s) necessary to thwart the evil ‘machinations’ of the villain.

Along for the ride are the usual second bananas Luthor Stickle (Ving Rhames) and Benji Dunn (Simon Pegg). Also returning are Ilsa (Rebecca Ferguson) and Alanna Mitsopolis – the White Widow (Vanessa Kirby). Halley Atwell is introduced as Grace, a highly competent and clever master thief who seems to be an equal to Ethan in at least that respect. I’m loving the chemistry of those two that reveals mutual respect but stops short of attraction (which would have been a gross writing mistake).

Nothing New Under the Sun

I’ve kept quiet about the villains of this movie for good reason. While there is pretty much no way for Hollywood to create any new types of villains – its all been done – the bad guys of Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning do manage to put a newish twist on things we’ve seen before. And at all costs, I will not ruin that for you.

Likewise, the action sequences are pretty much as expected. Car chases are car chases. Train crashes are what they are (but even that was made a little bit special). And the scene where Hunt launches himself from the top of a mountain astride a motorcycle? Visual awesomeness made exponentially MORE awesome because Tom Cruise did that stunt himself. Six times. Clearly, Batman wants to be Cruise. Who could blame him? And now I’m adding that to my bucket list.

Are their klinks in this movie? Sure. I thought Luthor and Benji were under-utilized, and that’s a shame. There’s been some chatter that Ving Rhames might have some medical stuff going on. At 64, it’s bound to happen, I guess. The movie did feel a bit overlong. And this movie felt a little light on humor, given that there was so much situational opportunity for it, especially between Cruise and Atwell.

I’m also going to give it a slight knock for being yet another two-parter (what is the frickin’ deal with that trend?) I feel like this movie could have been done in one go. But it gives us at least ONE movie to look forward to next summer. And for that, I am grateful.

I’m giving Mission Impossible Dead Reckoning Part 1 4.5 out of 5. You should all choose to accept it.

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Bad, Good and Important

This week’s review is for Sound of Freedom. There is so much to unpack here that I many need to split it into a couple of posts. I’ll do my best to keep it movie-focused. We’ll see how it goes.

I’ve been told that I have a habit of ‘over-thinking’ things. That’s fair, guilty as charged. But, in a world that has conditioned itself into self-distraction, I’ve come to believe that this is a net-positive thing. I sleep like a rock, if that is any indication.

It’s also fair to say that movies allow us all a very necessary escape from an increasingly troubling (and troubled) world. Sometimes the escape route leads to bad places (and if you think it can’t get worse than ‘Human Centipede 2’, you’re fooling yourself). Sometimes they remind us to be bold or of the personal growth that we can and should aspire to (most recently, Top Gun: Maverick). And sometimes they snap us out of ourselves and remind us that there is a world beyond our small circles of self. Those are movies that I deem important. There’s an irony there.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Jim Carrey…

I was already on-board with seeing Sound of Freedom because I’m a big fan of Jim Caviezel. Everyone touts Count of Monte Cristo (my favorite period piece) and Passion of the Christ (an important movie that still convicts me). Don’t overlook Frequency (time-travel done on a personal level co-starring Dennis Quaid). I like Caviezel not just because he chooses quality projects or that he is, by all accounts, a morally conscious Christian guy. His acting style is kind of the anti-Jim Carrey, understated and full of ethos. That’s really necessary, especially in a society that normalizes excesses.

Sound of Freedom is closely based on the real-life events of Tim Ballard, a former DHS special agent who works to battle child sex trafficking. Through Ballard’s experiences, he developed a soul-deep burden to do more for the meekest and most innocent among us than the US Government would allow. He eventually gave up everything (including a big chunk of his pension, a mere 10 months away) to embark on a quest to rescue the sister of a trafficked child that he also saved.

This movie deals with pretty much the weightiest topic you can imagine, and it does so in the most responsible way possible. It doesn’t graphically depict the absolute horrors that men (and women) inflict upon the innocent. It mostly takes the route of us watching their emotions as a human views the evil that exists in a ‘modern society’…think audience reaction videos from the ninth level of hell. Jim Caviezel gives us a tragically perfect portrayal that will (and should) haunt you.

This review falls utterly short of describing the depth of sorrow that this movie illicited from me. Likewise, I am certain that the movie itself falls utterly short of describing the torment endured by those least deserving of it. My heart breaks, and I am changed by this movie. Anyone who could see it and not be changed has a brokenness in them that desperately needs attention. Please don’t ignore that.

I have long maintained that some movies are bad, some movies are good, but very few movies are important. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one. I think the Adjustment Bureau is another. The aforementioned PotC. And Sound of Freedom is also, if only to call us to action.

I think you can guess by now that I am highly recommending this movie. It would be a great watch if it was fiction. The fact that it isn’t is beyond mesmerizing. I’m giving it 4.8/5. Don’t wait for it to stream. There is a quality you get in a theater experience that you can’t get from your couch, not the least of which is that there are no distractions. Sound of Freedom deserves your undivided attention.

And a special note- Austin Burke is a YouTube movie reviewer. He also gave Sound of Freedom high marks but said he could never watch this movie again. I implore everyone to do just the opposite. Rewatch this periodically. Let the selflessness of Tim Ballard (and everyone at Angel Studios, as I hear) infect you. Pushing this movie out of your mind, finding new things to distract you from the ugly truth of it, is not good for any of us. And certainly not for those that need us.

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I have to admit, I remembered almost nothing about Extraction the first, only that it didn’t suck. And so remembering, I charged headlong into Extraction 2 heedless of any danger. I still don’t remember anything of the first but as it turns out that wasn’t a prereq for enjoying the second. And boy howdy, I enjoyed it like a ten ticket thrill ride!
Extraction 2 again stars Chris Hemsworth as Tyler Rake, an emotionally scarred soldier of fortune who seems to be just living out his string until death decides to claim him. Extraction 2 literally picks up moments after the ending of the first, which found a mortally wounded Rake plumetting off of a bridge into the river. He is fished out by his partner Nik (Golshifteh Farahani) who gets him to safety and puts him on the mend.

Don’t call it a man-crush

Time passes. Rake is again back to existing in a hell of his own mind when he is approached by Alcott (played by Idris Elba, which was a really nice cameo), an enigmatic figure with another extraction mission. Queue the training montage as Rake begins the the painful process of getting his body back into killing machine form. Once honed to a razor’s edge, Rake rallies up with Nik and her brother Yaz. The band is back together, ready to extract.

Georgia on my mind

The team is off to the eastern European country of Georgia, a former Soviet republic state to rescue the wife and children of a Russian warlord. Pretty much from there, it’s a non-stop John Wick style bloodfest with actual body armor instead of fashionable tactical evening wear. Some assassins get all the love.

Extraction 2 has some of the best – and longest – action sequences I’ve ever seen. And since I’ve seen all the Wick movies multiple times, that’s a really high bar. One might think that prolonged chase scenes would become tiresome in their constant adrenaline push but there is just enough lull along the way to keeps us fully engaged. A fine line that the writers have walked deftly.

Refresh my memory

Since I didn’t remember a single thing about the first Extraction, I’m re-watching it at this very writing. I wanted to see if there was something I should have taken away from it…something I should have remembered. I didn’t even remember that David Harbour was in it. BTW, if you haven’t seen Violent Night, do yourself a favor and cycle that bad Santa into your holiday playlist. After the kids go to bed, that is.

Bottom line: Extraction 2 was better than the first, which was good but not memorable (and I’m just past the halfway mark). Two has some memorable moments (if you can call a 21 minute fight sequence a moment). The final killing stroke was awesome and subtly reminded me of a certain whip-slinging adventurer’s first adventure. A third Extraction is already green-lit and I’ll be happy to see Thor and Heimdall back together again. Extraction 2 gets 4/5 from me. As for Extraction the First…better put some ice on that, Santa. That’s gonna leave a mark.

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Indiana Jones crushes it, and not in a good way…

One does not have to dig very hard at all to find a review of the new Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny movie. And to be brutally honest, I haven’t found a single one that gives it a thumbs up (with the exception of Rotten Tomatoes, and I long ago realized that they had become a shill-site for the movie-makers and could not be trusted). Setting aside the theories and rumors from inside the studio, the simple facts foretold a dark future.

Just the facts, sir

Fact 1: The fifth Indiana Jones film first got greenlit in 2008, with an original release date of 2019 but experienced a ton of delays due to rejected scripts, directoral changes and the ‘rona.

Fact 2: Spielberg was supposed to direct but bailed in 2020. There were also multiple writers hired, quiting, rehired (I’ve lost track, tbh). Reports of how many rewrites there have been vary.

Fact 3: The budget for this movie ballooned to nearly $300 million due to delays, rewrites, reshoots etc.

Fact 4: Pre-release test screenings reviews were not complimentary.

Fact 5: Harrison Ford is 80 years old. It is totally fair to speculate on the quality of acting – let alone being an action movie star – that he is capable of turning in.

Fact 6: Early reviewers (other than paid shills like Rotten Tomatoes) have absolutely crushed this movie as a Phoebe Waller-Bridge movie rather than an Indiana Jones movie. They are saying that her character constantly demeans, upstages, controls and, at times, physically abuses Indiana Jones (the term ‘elder abuse’ has been bandied about).

Those are straight-up facts that are not up for interpretation. Opinion: I thought his portrayal of Han Solo in Force Awakens was not up to snuff. He definitely seemed old and slow (physically and mentally) and it made me really sad.

So, the facts themselves are ill omens, no doubt. The rumors are even dimmer.

If the rumors are to be believed…

Rumor 1: There is an internal power struggle at the House of Mouse and Kathleen Kennedy wanted to ‘rewrite’ the Indiana Jones legend to replace Indy with a female version, both in the past and going forward. The implications of that are staggering in their shite-ness.

Rumor 2: Kathleen Kennedy was ego-driven, wanting to replace Indiana Jones with an avatar for herself. Insiders are heavily pushing that rumor, citing multiple KK projects that seem to portray a very KK-like female heroine.

Rumor 3: Indy was originally supposed to be killed off but the backlash was so severe that they rewrote it. Kennedy fought back and the result is a hodgepodge of different stories.

There are other rumors but dropping them here would be overkill. Enough is enough. We get the point. Where there is smoke, and all that. So we expect it to be a pile o’shite. I am not above putting myself in harm’s way for you guys. Heck I walked into Fast X fully expecting to struggle through two hours of cringe (and am man enought to admit when I’m wrong). But I will not be going to see Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny, and I’ll tell you why…

My youngest daughter is amazing. Actually, all my kids are amazing, but my youngest is amazing AND fearless. I gave her the nickname of Indy when she was 8 years old. For more reasons that I can tell you, it is the most perfect nickname in the history of nicknames. She’s the only one who wants to jump out of a plane with me. Truth.

My Indy is in college now and the hours allotted to me are few and cherished. So, when she texted me and said ‘ We need to go see the new Indiana Jones movie!’ I was elated. But then, it occurred to me, if this movie is the steaming shite-show I expect it to be, there’s no way – NO WAY – I am going to tarnish my daughter’s nick by showing her an Indy that has become an old, weak, alkie-bum that now takes abuse instead of dishing it out. Never in this life.

I will at some point (probably soon) watch this tragedy on one of the streaming services when it costs me nothing but a couple of hours. I may drop a review at that time confirming or denying the rumors and expectations. And this weekend, my daughter and her boyfriend are coming over for pizza, popcorn and a double feature: Temple of Doom and Last Crusade. She hasn’t seen them and they are totally worthy of her name. It’s how we will honor one of the great, iconic heroes of any age of cinema. And it will remind her of how amazing I think she is. Geronimo!

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FUBAR is far from FUBAR

I tend to be fairly selective in the streaming shows I give my time to because I have so many things going on that TV time is at a premium. When I heard the basic premise for FUBAR was next door to that of True Lies (one of my favorite action movies all-time) I moved it to the top of the list. It was a good call.

 

FUBAR is the story of Luke Brunner (Schwarzenegger), a CIA agent who only works ops of the highest stakes. Not quite as clandestine as Omega Sector (the name of one of my Fantasy Football teams, if you doubted the authenticity of my favorites claim). He has been living the spylife behind the backs of his wife, Tally (now ex, for whom he still pines) and daughter Emma, played by a smoking hot Monica Barbaro (Phoenix of Top Gun: Maverick fame). Emma has a ton of daddy issues stemming from the fact that he was always away ‘with work’ , issues that manifest themselves by making her push herself to be perfect at everything. That drive for excellence eventually put her on a path to a successful career in…you guessed it…the CIA special ops division that just so happens to be the one Luke works for. Hilarious conflict ensues.

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

The mission that brings Emma and Luke together is fairly formulaic. Generic evildoer from Luke’s past must be stopped for reasons I have already forgotten. What are memorable is the amazing cast of characters on the side of the angels. The review of FUBAR would be super-long if I were to give them all the credit they so very much deserve. I could not in good conscience, however, complete my mission without mentioning two of them that added so much to the story as a whole. Alden and Roo, played by Travis Van Winkle and stand-up comedienne Fortune Feimster, are more brother and sister than co-workers. The chemistry between these two characters steals every scene effortlessly. I found myself rewinding to catch the plot narrative I missed while laughing. More than once.

All of this would have been enough for me to offer you FUBAR, should you choose to accept it. The deal clincher for this series are the impressively written Easter eggs that pop up along the way like little secret coded messages. I want so very much to tell all of them that I saw and would love to hear about any I missed. True to my promise I’m sworn to secrecy and shall reveal none of them, under pain of torture by a dagger-twirling Spencer Trilby.

And even though the story that put our heroes in harm’s way is nothing we haven’t seen before, the ending to this season is a nice twist and promises a second season that is not merely a repeat of the first. For that I am unabashedly optimistic. I am giving FUBAR 4/5 enthusiastically. And if you haven’t seen True Lies already, treat yourself to that beforehand. I live to serve. That’s it and that’s all.

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