Category: Movie Reviews

Megalopolis is less than the sum of its parts

When, oh when, will I ever learn that a star-studded cast doth not maketh a good movie? That’s rhetorical. The answer is probably never. When it comes to movies, I’m an optimist. Clearly, to the exclusion evidence. But I’ll tell you why that is a good thing. A good thing for you. And to a point, a good thing for me. Unfortunately, it’s not a good thing for Mrs Average Dude. Sorry, babe.

Megalopolis stars a parade of names you know and remember fondly. Adam Driver. Giancarlo Esposito. Nathalie Emmanual. Shia LaBouf. John Voight. AubreyPlazaJasonSchwartzmanLawrenceFishburneTaliaShire. And a small part for the man I consider our greatest living actor, Dustin Hoffman*. That’s a quality list, right there.

Megalopolis is EXACTLY why you need The Average Dude

With all that high dollar star power, this movie must be amazing, you say? The Average Dude would agree with that sentiment. Oh, how wrong we were. How very, very wrong. And that is why I should be your first stop prior to hitting the nearest moviehaus, megaplex or home town theater. Because I’m just like you (more or less) and I’m willing to take the hit for you. I’m ever-ready to step in front of the cinematic bullet meant for all of you. No thanks necessary. I’m built for this.

Why couldn’t it be more like Streets of Fire?

Megalopolis markets itself as ‘a fable’. Those two words, six little letters, are the first hint that this isn’t going to be your run of the mill furturistic story. It’s a portent or an omen of what is to come. Brace yourself, those words say. Anything is possible. That was no lie. The optimist in me recalled a ‘Rock n Roll fable’ from back in the 80s (starring a young and fabulous Willem Dafoe). I dared to hope this was a portent of good. Denied.

Our story begins in the land of New Rome, a retrofuturistic** facimile of NYC, that plays as if the fall of ancient Rome never happened. The class system is alive and well in New Rome. You have the ruling class, bent on amassing and keeping power at all costs. You have the elitists, whose whole life is centered around the shallow, vapid pursuit of self…their god is their own belly. There is the common class, living life beneath the elites. Always aspiring to rise as one of them but knowing that will never be.

And then, you have the dreamers. The idealists. The ones who see all the worlds but walk above them. This is the dream of Megalopolis.

Megalopolis has lofty ambitions, I’ll give it that

What follows is 2 hrs 17minutes of unrealistic, often empty dialogue that might have been written by a well-read 8th grader in their first attempt at writing a story. Verbal exchanges that do sound like lines from a children’s book that was written for adults. That sounds weird but nonetheless…

Megalopolis is filled to overflowing with symbolism. It might have been Francis Ford Coppola’s intent. With a resume like his, I tend to think it was. And FFC has been working on this, what I presume is meant to be his magnum opus, for decades. Millions of his own money was invested in this. Clearly, it was important to him.

Oh, and with a dash of wokism. Maybe more than a dash, actually.

There are parallels that are easy to make, like the self-distructive excesses of ancient Rome and today’s elites. Also the power-mongers hellbent on keeping power to the detriment of those they govern, a truism as old as civilization. Coppola puts a sureal face on the obvious. At times, the sureality was entertaining. At other times, shallow and condescending, as if he were elite-splaining these things to the ignorant masses. Maybe that’s just me.

But there were many, many sureal moments that even an overthinker like me can’t brainbone. And they smack of ‘inside joke’. There are a few movies I can remember that just feel like they were made for Hollywood itself. The Grand Budapest Hotel is one. La La Land is another. These all feel like vanity pieces. On one hand, guys like Coppola have kinda earned the right to make a vanity piece, if they want. Then again, it feels dishonest to schlep it out to us and hide it’s true nature. It kind of makes me feel used. Again, it might just be me.

History Repeating itself…in CGI and HD

What good can I say about Megalopolis? Visually, it was excellent. The adaptation of ancient Roman style with 21st century technology is an original and fascinating twist on a still fresh retrofuturistic trend. I loved it and I would totally expect an Oscar consideration for it. Totally deserved. If Megalopolis were to get nominated for or, Olympus forbid, win a more high-profile Oscar, it will further solidify that Hollywood politics decided it should be so. But for sets and costumes? I’m there for it.

So, on the basis of that and that alone, I am giving Megalopolis an anorexic 1.6/5. As for the rest of this movie, it’s nearly unwatchable. At times, it feels like Coppola’s cautionary tale. At times, an unappologetic admittal of their imagined superiority.

And I will freely grant to you that some of the more ‘upper crust’ moviegoers might disagree with me. I’m fine with that. I don’t pretend to be one of those folks that has the time or desire to hyper-analyze every movie and give it a gladiatorial thumbs up or down. I’m like you…an Average Dude. We don’t have time or inclination for that level of pretention. I’ll just give you an average dude’s opinion. Sorry, not sorry.

Oh, and a great big Thank You/Love You to Mrs Average Dude for always accompanying me. She’s the best!

*Tootsie. Rainman. Hook. Fight me.

**Remember that word? I first brought it up in my Fallout review. Now you CAN use it in casual conversation! Do it! It’s fun!

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The Killer’s Game didn’t try to be more than it was

Sometimes, in my heartfelt desire to serve the movie-going masses, I go to see a movie that I’m not expecting much from. Part of that is because I’m trying to build a trust between you and me. Part of it is because I just love going to the movies. And since I am an Average DUDE, my inclination is to go see DUDE movies. This week, there were three new releases: a horror movie, a mock-umentory movie and an action movie. I’ll see a horror movie on occasion (if the premise looks original) and I’ll get around to watching the mock-umentary (I’ve been hearing good buzz).

But this week, The Killer’s Game seemed like the best of ‘meh’ choices. And it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

The Killer’s Game stars Dave Bautista as top-shelf hitman Joe Flood. Joe lives a low-key, modest life when not deleting bad people from this earlhly existence. He plays by ‘the rules of the game’…kill no innocents, follow the direction of your dispatcher (played by the legendary Ben Kingsley) and do not enlist the services of mercenaries. Who makes these rules? No clue, but since this is a John Wick heirarchy clone, we’ll allow it.

You’d think they would have a better health plan

While on a standard ‘assignment’, Joe’s eye falls upon modern dance star Maize (Sofia Boutella). During the chaos caused by a high-profile assasination, Joe breaks from his usual meticulous work ethic to carry an mildly injured Maize from the heart of danger and into the arms of first responders, pocketing her cell phone in the process. Joe uses the phone as an excuse to reach out to Maize. An uncomfortable romance ensues.

To add to the confusion, Joe periodically experiences sharp spikes of brain pain that all but cripple him. After experiencing one of these during an op, Joe seeks out his organizational medical professional. After being examined, Joe is diagnosed with a rare disorder and is given a dire diagnosis. Believing he has only weeks to live, Joe decides to leave this world on his own terms and puts a hit out on himself.

Do they also have free legal assistance?

But hold the phone! There was a mix-up at the lab and Joe is going to live! Now, Joe must try to extricate himself from a mess of his own creation while also trying to win back the woman he loves. Kookiness and Wick-level violence ensues. Never mind that the doc suffers no consequences for his disasterous eff-up. One would think that, in that arena, the consequences for a misdiagnosis would be a lot more severe. But moving on…

Kind of like the league of Joe’s deadly exes

The Killer’s Game does a couple of things that make it better than it has a right to be. Firstly, the writers and director don’t try to get Bautista to do more than he’s capable of. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Drax is going to be in any Oscar considerations. I’ll gladly and humbly eat my own words if it comes to that. Bautista is a big, beefy action star. That’s what he does. Bautista falls smack dab in the Ahnold, Sly Stalone, Rock bucket. From every role I’ve seen him in, he’s not all that emotive. It’s fine. Dave staying in his lane is just fine.

Secondly, and most enjoyably, is the quirky foes of Flood. Each one has their own motif de murder that is mildly fun and a nice departure from the John Wick style of dispatching enemies. It’s remniscent of Scott Pilgrim vs the World, an delightfully original movie now considered a cult classic which The Average Dude recommends.

If not for the quirky portrayals, The Killer’s Game story is nothing at all original. Like with every Batman movie, the entertainment value is with the villains. And that’s what makes this movie a bit above your average B movie hitman show. Sure, Ben Kingsley is superb, even in a very limited role. But Joe and Maize are about as bland and cardboard as they can be.

It’s a credit to director JJ Perry. Perry has only three directing credits to his name, none of which are noteable. Maybe if he were given a project with more oompf he could have attracted bigger talent. But for his third effort, I can see how Bautista might have been the biggest name he could get. And kudos for doing the most with the little he was given. It’s a promising start.

So, The Average Dude is pleased to give The Killer’s Game a somewhat modest 3 out of 5, mostly for surprising me with some mildly entertaining villains for Joe to dispatch. This is not a movie I’ll every stop and watch a few minutes of if I see it scrolling through my streaming channels. Watch this one after you’ve gotten through all your top shelf shows (like Shogun). For me, it’s already been memory-holed. Sorry Joe and your league of deadly assassins. That’s the best I can do for you.

And by the way, I much prefer my Bautista bald, thank you.

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Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is barely so-so

When the first Beetlejuice hit the big screen, I was the proud father of two amazing toddlers. Those two are now fully grown and living their lives. It was and remains an all-time classic and a must-watch that spawned an animated series that ran for 4 seasons. There have been a metric sh!te-ton of sequels made in that timespan that absolutely did not need to be made. When we heard that this beloved classic was finally getting a chaser, we were all on-board. Tragically, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is not the sequel we’ve been waiting 36 years for. Not by a long shot.

WTF WTF??

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice picks up with the next generation of the Deetz family. Astrid Deetz – played by Jenna Ortega – tries to live down the embarassment of her celebrity mother. Winona Ryder is back as Lydia Deetz, who is now the host of her own show on the paranormal. Catherine O’Hara returns as Delia Deetz an unapologetic narcisist constantly striving to be on the cutting edge of art and fashion. This is clearly a role she was born to play and no one does it better. Delia Deetz. Moira Rose. Cookie Fleck. Always entertaining. And of course, Michael Keaton returns as the title character title character. And that’s where the disappointment hits hardest.

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice had multiple storylines with tons of star power, each with their own story thread. If those threads had intertwined to make a stronger story, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice would have been fantastic. That didn’t happen.

Star Powerless

One of the first cameos in Beetlejuice Beetlejuice was by REDACTED REDACTED, a no-brainer slam-dunk for a movie like this. His appearance was brief but enjoyable.

There were other stars, however, that had more than cameo status but arguably less impactful than REDACTED REDACTED. One of this movie’s biggest disappointments were their under use. Burn Gorman, a favorite B list actor, had less screen time than a CGI shrunken head zombie named Bob who had no lines. (Obviously).

Monica Bellucci played a very fetching undead creature. Her storyline could have been a movie in itself. It was instead, crammed into Beetlejuice Beetlejuice like a 300 lb cadaver into a shoebox casket for your hamster.

Willam Defoe, say it isn’t so

And don’t even get me started on the usually fantastic Willem Dafoe. He played his role with the utmost camp that this movie demanded. But his entire contribution could have been slashed to the cutting room floor. And for Dafoe’s legacy’s sake, probably should have. How could he willingly go from this

to this?

Seriously, Willem. If you need a loan, give me a buzz. We’ll figure something out.

Maybe he’s working on The Flash 2 at the same time

But most horrifically was the criminal under-exposure of the man himself. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that, when going to a movie named Beetlejuice Beetlejuice that you actually get to see the star on the marque do his post-mortem thing. What we got from Keaton’s ghoulish performance was little snippets here and there. I felt like he was just popping in from a neighboring sound stage to do his bits in between takes from another movie.

By my count, there were six (6) distinct storylines in Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. None of them really got resolved properly. And I’m not counting semi-arcs like Justin Theroux (very adequately douchie performance). Every main character had a separate journey. Which is fine, as long as they tie together. They didn’t. And for a seasoned pro like Tim Burton, that might be the biggest disappointment of all.

But it wasn’t all bad, was it?

Certainly not. There were some really nice moments of nostalgia that reminded us why we loved the first Beetlejuice. There was a spooky musical number remniscent of the the Banana Boat scene. Jenna Ortega was on point and her casting as the angsty daughter of Lydia Deetz was spot-on. The underworld scenes were as you remember them and it was nice to return to the dusty, oozey mild gross-out that Burton pulls off so well.

So, it is with more than a trickle of disappointment, I’m giving Beetlejuice Beetlejuice a room temperature 2.8 out of 5. I don’t expect a third helping of this franchise and Tim Burton himself said that doing another one in thirty-five years would put him at over 100. Fitting for the spirit of the movie but the math doesn’t really work out. Probably for the best.

Seven. I just remembered another barely used sub-plot. Sigh.

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Reagan is a bio-pick we want to believe

If I haven’t stated clearly before, the Average Dude tries really, really hard to separate politics from entertainment. Politics have always been about as divisive as any topic we could discuss (with the possible exception of religion). I’m more than happy to discuss my political beliefs (just ask Mrs Average Dude, the poor girl) but not on this platform. This column is to have some fun and hopefully give you a bit of heads up on the latest offerings out of Hollywood. Because I love the medium and I love people. But sometimes it’s just unavoidable.

Reagan is cause for exception of the rule

It is commonly believed that the Reagan years were among the greatest of our lives for We The People. You can argue it was the music. You can argue it was a general acceptance of self-absorbed ‘me’ mentality. You can argue is was a return to financial prosperity from the crushing inflation of the previous administration. But it’s impossible to argue the absolute, intrinsic truth that Ronald ‘Dutch’ Reagan restored a sense of pride in America. He was strong. He was bold. He was genuine. And, as this bio-pic at least hints at, he was human.

A Leap of Faith

As with last year’s big bio-pic and winner of multiple Oscars Oppenheimer, Reagan tries to tell a little bit of the behind the scenes story of the subject matter. While Oppenheimer was tense and at time unseemly in it’s portrayals, Reagan is, for the most part, very wholesome. Where the former liked to concentrate on the human failings of the historical figures, Reagan presented a movie start cum politician that wanted nothing more than to help this country prevail against her foreign adversaries.

The Machine Strikes Back

Dennis Quaid did an amazing job portraying the vocal style and mannerisms Ronald Reagan and doesn’t get nearly enough credit from the Hollywood machine as he should. But that does not mean the machine has been silent. Oh, heavens, no. Critics nearly universally trash this movie as a blatantly conservative puff-piece. Contrary to those soul-less shills is the audience consensus. See what’s going on here? Kind of curious why the ‘critics’ haven’t started selectively editing the Audience scores to align with theirs. Am I being too mistrusting?

Maybe, maybe not.

In fairness, Reagan was quite kind to his memory. This begs the question ‘Was it honest?’ Taking politics out of the equation, I remind myself that the absence of salatious and unflattering scenes does not automatically make it dishonest. As a matter of fact, all actual statements from his contemporaries and my own memories of the Reagan years considered, I think it was closer to the truth. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I’m hoping it is.

Cynicism be damned

It is almost an intellectual must to look at government right now and suspect that, behind every politician, is a scandal that they could not survive if it were revealed. The bigger the name, the greater the suspicion. Reagan might just be the last, best politician we will ever have. With all his flaws, he meant to do what was right for this country. Even in his Iran-Contra scandal, his honest and contrite admission was best for us. And as this movie rightly points out, Americans are quick to forgive those that ask for it.

Like Santa. Or Travis and Taylor.

In the end, I think that most of us truly want to believe that Reagan was every bit the Crusader he was reported to be. It’s insanely hard to find someone to trust from that crazy world. A president who would lead through strength, make economic decisions that benefited everyone and restore America’s standing on the world stage. We want to believe Reagan was all of that because we want SO MUCH to believe we can have someone like that again.

Also in fairness

It is impossible to not see some of the parallels between Reagan and the current conservative presidential candidate. Both lead through strength. Both are not afraid to take a stand on the world stage or in front of our enemies. Heck, both took a bullet. But let’s not get crazy here. The current guy is NO Ronald Wilson ‘Dutch’ Reagan. I think all of that is totally fair to say. If you disagree or want to rail at me for saying it, fine. It’s a free country. All I ask is that you bring receipts. Otherwise, you’re just blowing air out of your facehole.

So, because you all know me to be an optimist of the highest order, I am going to go right ahead and believe that Reagan was pretty close to the truth (if a little one-sided). It’s fine. It’s not bad to think well of a man who did great things when this country needed someone to do great things for us. It’s not naive to hope that someday we’ll have another one. I’m giving Reagan a 4.2 out of 5. Politics be damned.

On further review of current circumstances, it may be a bit naive. I hope not, though.

BONUS***
My eldest daughter with the great Dennis Quaid and the Sharks in Anchorage. Very VERY cool, Snick!

***WARNING***
I just saw the movie poster for Captain America: Brave New World. Awesome poster. But the release date fills me with dispair. This is not a good sign…

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It Ends With Us is a Hallmark movie if made by David Lynch

I know what you’re thinking…why is the Average Dude (emphasis on the DUDE) going to see a very non-dude flick like It Ends With Us? Is there a personal reason that our Dude chose to review this movie? Well, yes and no. Mrs. Average Dude had no real desire to see the big release this week – Alien: Romulus. And she has been out of town on business lo this last week. She might have preferred to stay home and put her feet up instead of watch me watch a movie and shove corn into my facehole.

So, because she’s my queen and I missed her, I took her to see the movie she wanted to see. There’s your personal reason.

I’d rather re-watch the LOTR trilogy

And you’d be correct in noting that It Ends With Us is not a movie I would typically watch, either in a theater or even for free sitting in my mancave. There are roughly twenty movies on my ‘need to watch’ list that I just don’t have time to get to. And if I ever got through all of those and the ‘B’ list shows I missed, there’s still the annual watch list.

All of those I would watch before It Ends With Us. This is not a knock on Blake Lively or Hallmark movies or movies that tell sensitive stories. I’m just looking for something transportive to my escapism. I’m not looking to be transported into someone else’s misery, a misery that could be happening next door.

Now, if my neighbor were Blake Lively and she was judo chopping aliens or evil spies, I’m down for that. Just like every average dude, I think.

Having said all that, I didn’t hate It Ends With Us. That’s about the best I can say. It was leaps and bounds more watchable than Borderlands, even though it was roughly the same level of unbelievable. And, as always, I’m bringing the receipts.

Different fantasies for different folks, I guess

It Ends With Us is the Lifetime channel-esque story of Lily Blossum Bloom, a young woman leaving her upscale suburban home to make her way in the big city of Boston. She is branching out, her dreams are germinating. Armed with determination, a plucky attitude and confidence in her amazing floral designs, Lily begins her new life and escapes the hidden tragedies of her past.

Four minutes longer than her husband’s movie next door

For the next 2 hrs and 11 minutes, the story of Lily Bloom unfolds before us. Like an onion, the layers of an idylic life are slowly peeled away to reveal the raw, tortured heart that carries a secret burden. And just like an onion, It Ends WIth Us might make more tender souls weep. Not the Average Dude, of course.

It’s a choice

And its not that I’m heartless. Not at all. Hell, I can’t even think about Marley and Me or Homeward Bound without a touch of the misties. I’m not a robot. It’s just that I look at It Ends With Us and I see a story that has so very little to do with reality. Its a fantasy life made for those of us that prefer other escapes than the dreams of capes, aliens or robots.

No traffic, either

Lily Bloom seems to live in a corner of Boston that has no garbage, poverty or homeless. And no street crime. No gangs. No thugs. Just like a Hallmark movie. A nice fantasy. Not reality. I can’t tell you the last time I saw a stylishly dressed young lady walking down the street alone carrying a paper bag of groceries with a loaf of french bread sticking out the top. Mostly, it’s five plastic bags looped on one hand, the weight dragging their shoulder nearly to the ground. That’s reality.

Well…ALMOST none…

I find myself wondering if those who enjoyed It Ends With Us daydream about living in that world…as if it really existed. I can tell you that I spend no time wondering what my life would be like if I could lift Mjolnir.*

But that’s fine. To each their own. I can appreciate It Ends With Us for delivering to it’s target audience pretty much what they came for. Was it uplifting? Not particularly. Was it hopeful? I suppose. Was it an epic battle of good vs evil? No. Was it an epic battle for survival? A little. In the end, the Average Dude can recognize it for what it is…a big screen Hallmark movie if made by David Lynch. And if that’s your thing, you will like it. So for you, I’m giving It Ends With Us a 3.5 out of 5. If it’s not your thing, I’m giving it a 2. Best I can do.

*I do ponder occassionally, if I would be worthy.

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Borderlands is borderline

Sigh…

I know this is August, where bad movies go to find hope. Or die. Likewise with February. Those are the two movie Dead Zones. Notable exceptions to that truism are Guardians of the Galaxy (August release) and Deadpool (February surprise). But for every gem, there are dozens of ‘The Meg’. It’s a devilish thing that Hollywood has done. We remember those shining exceptions and we hope beyond reason to find another. And given the insane amount of talent in Borderlands, there was certainly reason for that hope.

Alas…

Everyone knows not to speak to me of new releases, good or bad, until after I’ve seen them. My opining must ever be pristine. Even so, I heard ill whispers about Borderlands. I rejected them. Blanchet. Hart. Curtis. Black. Pretty solid names. Add relative newcomer Ariana Greenblatt – who was the high point to this sloppy mess of a movie. It wasn’t enough.

You actually have to have some semblance of a story. And though I’ve never seen any other movie that Eli Roth directed (Hostel, Thanksgiving), I can only imagine that he took the subject matter – a video game – and literally added the most bare-bones, no frills, economy class story his cat could poop out. And just like that catpoop, Borderland stinks.

BOREderland…

I think that Borderlands is Roth’s first attempt at a sci-fi action pic. And it shows. Here’s a little free advice to Roth and any up and coming sci-fi director. We’ve seen all the special effects.All of them. There’s nothing new under the sun. So, making a movie that is long on CGI and woefully short on actual story is not going to satisfy anyone. Borderlands plays like the story was written by a 6th grader. And not an honor roll 6th grader, either. I actually nodded off for a few minutes. Not kidding.

Every character was as one dimensional as it’s videogame namesake. Greenblatt did a decent job of making Tiny Tina her own. Blanchet was the consumate pro and did all she could with a script as basic as this. Kevin Hart might as well have been replaced with Scoutmaster Kevin. Everything you love about KH was missing here. And Jaimie Lee Curtis’ part…it just made me sad.

Claptrap…

Jack Black’s contribution to Borderlands was pretty much what you expect from him. Goofy and high octane. Claptrap by name, claptrap by nature. His heavily adlib dialog might have been one of the best parts of the script. That’s not a compliment.

Hindsight…

I wish that i had possessed the foresight to look at the director and his IMDB. Nothing even remotely inspiring there. I remember seeing the trailers for Thanksgiving and saying to Mrs Average Dude ‘They’ve really run out of slasher flick ideas, haven’t they? Is this what we’ve come to?’
And they’re making a Thanksgiving 2. <stunned silence>

ya basic…

It looked to me that Eli Roth was hoping to build a kind of Guardians of the Galaxy vibe for Borderlands. Clearly, Roth is no James Gunn. Even with a stellar cast, this movie can’t hold a harbulary battery to our favorite dysfunctional band of misfits.

The word basic comes most redily to mind when sumarizing Borderlands. Is it worthless? No. It has moments. Few of them and most of them from Greenblatt, but still. And caveat: I’ve never played the game. That should not be a pre-req for watching a movie about a video game. I’ve also never played FALLOUT, and we all know how I felt about that series. I’m giving Borderlands a basic score of 1.8 out of 5. Please don’t make a Borderlands 2.

Rake-slap…

It is my lot in life, I suppose, to be simultaneously blessed and cursed with the pie-eyed optimism that enables me to walk face-first into a movie like Borderlands, get a rake-slap to that same face, and then forget about the broken nose and do it again. And again. et al. My foolishness is your gain. I’m always willing to take the rake-slap for you. If it ever gets to be too much, I’ll wind up becoming one of those History Channel olden dudes. I’m not that dude yet, so…rake-slap. May I never be.

It’s a TRAP

M Night Shyamalan movies are hit or miss, feast or famine. Can we all agree on that? For every 6th Sense or Signs there’s an Old or Lady In the Water. The Average Dude has long ago stopped getting excited for any MNS movie.

And we all know he likes to throw a twist into the mix. We’re all looking for it, which makes it really tough to deliver a good one. M Night began in the era before streaming. And maybe more than any other writer/director, streaming has done him no favors. A little voice inside my brainbone said to wait for it to come out on Prime or Hulu rather than shelling out dough to see it in the theater.

I should have listened to my inner voice

Father and daughter bonding for a new generation

TRAP, the latest offering by M Night Shyamalan is about a serial killer (Josh Hartinett) dubbed ‘the Butcher’. How original. The Butcher is known for dismembering his victims, reportedly in the most grissly ways. I say reportedly, because MNS spends very little time fleshing out that aspect of the story. Thankfully.

What TRAP spends quite a bit of time on is showing a father attempting to grow his relationship with his tweenage daughter by taking her to the biggest concert event ever! Lady Raven (played by M Night’s daughter, Saleka Shyamalan) is a stereotypical pop mega-star, complete with all the fake stage presence, glitzy showmanship and super-long eyelashes that remind me I need to sweep out the back of my SUV. But more on her later.

Unbelieveable Plot Contrivances #1-3

As the trailer reveals, TRAP pits the hero (???) against the entirity of the law. Somehow, they know he will be at this concert and they are bringing the house.

How do they know this about the villain/hero? The explanation is weak and unimaginative. And ultimately debunked. Why did they choose to TRAP him at a concert, where scores of innocent people – mostly children – can and probably would be harmed physically or emotionally? How would even the entire assembled might of Big City’s Finest hope to capture the bad guy out of a crowd of tens of thousands? Is the surveilance state THAT on point? Not a comforting thought. All that in just in the first 10 minutes.

Hollywood – 1 Average Dude – 0

So you see what I mean here. MNS wants us to overlook a whole lot of red flags and take this movie on a date. And like the optimist I am, I oblige. Because there didn’t seem to be any better options this week, and I think Hollywood planned it that way. Well-played, Hollywood.

I won’ t go on to enumerate all the rest of the crazy sh!t that we are expected to swallow in this movie. I can think of Unbelieveable Plot Contrivances #4-7 without even straining my tired brainbone. Doing that would create spoilers, and up to now, I’ve only exposed the ones that are shown in the trailers. I can tell you that they come at you from nearly every character, relentlessly. Literally nothing in this movie parallels actually life.

And the big M Night Shyamalan twist?

Don’t get me started. I beg of you. I bounce back and forth between incredulity and anger inducing disappointment. With more than a touch of insult.

They weren’t given much to work with

If I try to walk a mile in the character’s shoes, I’m afraid I only got about a football field along before I tire. Part of becoming emotionally connected to a character is relating to them. I shudder to think that there might be a segment of society that can relate to Josh Hartnett’s Butcher. And in fairness to Josh, I don’t think he really could, either. His character was closer to Joe from YOU than Hannibal from Silence of the Lambs. That’s not a good sign when it comes from the titular star of your movie.

But back to Lady Raven

So, with all the glaring holes (you ain’t seen nothin’ yet) in TRAP, the only sane conclusion I can come to is that the movie was intended to showcase M Night Shyamalan’s daughter, Saleka. Okay, I get it. What father doesn’t want to see his child succeed? Or give them a leg up? Trap is Saleka Shyamalan’s acting debut but has several soundtrack credits (all in dad’s movies). From the scenes of Lady Raven on stage, it didn’t feel like the singing or choreography was anything special at all. Certainly sub-Taylor Swift level entertainment. So coming in second to Josh Hartnett always meant she was destined to lose. Cal Naughton Jr. did it better.

So kudos to M Night for trying to help his daughter, and phooey on M Night for shlepping out this stain of a movie to do it. Poop to you, sir. I say again, poop.

As is my tradition

Like I always say, I try to find something good in every movie I see. And for TRAP, I can say this: with all the ham-fisted plot contrivances and milquetoast performances, the saving grace (I’m now being generous) was that with each attempt to find a way out, we watched with mild anticipation to see how the Butcher would slip free. It inspired a kind of hope. Not hope that the Butcher would escape justice. More like a hope that we didn’t spend our hard earned money on pooptrash. And, unfortunately, we did.

Oh. I just thought of Unbelieveable Plot Contrivances 8 & 9. They just. Won’t. Stop.

And please…help me out here. It has literally been a quarter century, and nobody is sure how to pronounce m Night’s last name. Somebody set me straight. It’s like trying to sound out Brett Favre’s name. Ugh.

Deadpool and Wolverine – LFG

It is not overstating it in the slightest to say that Deadpool and Wolverine is the movie we’ve all been waiting for. The last movie I can remember that generated this much anticipation is probably Avengers: Endgame. As I write this, Deadpool and Wolverine has been shattering box office records willy-nilly and is the 6th highest domestic opening of all time. Of. All. Time. That is a big deal.

But Average Dude, did it live up to the hype?

The short answer to that is ‘Yes, it did’. But it’s more complex than that. Deadpool and Wolverine is a movie by the people, for the people. Translation, you needed to be along for the WHOLE RIDE to fully love this movie. And I mean all of it.

There are so many bits and pieces that will fly past most watchers. Heck, I’m sure I haven’t caught all of them. Example: in the scene where Deadpool and Wolverine turn and face REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, there is a storefront that says Liefield’s Just Feet. I happen to know that the artist who created Deadpool is Rob Liefield and he is infamously known for not drawing feet very well. I have that comic, btw. I’m a super-nerd. I’m okay with that.

Okay, but can I take my mom to see this movie?

Uh, well, if she’s gangsta enough, I guess. Yes, it’s absolutely foul-mouthed from start to end credits and beyond (you’ll see in the post credit scene). If mom is good with that, sure! But truly, the joy of Deadpool and Wolverine is having been along for the whole Marvel ride. And when you add to that, the next level bromance between Ryan Reynolds and Hugh Jackman, the whole experience is pure gusto joy.

Nothing like being in on the joke

Part of the charm of the Deadpool character is that we’re all in on the gag. Fourth wall breaks are nearly impossible to handle well. Reynolds does it effortlessly, as if we’re all best buds sharing a personal laugh. The imminently loveable Reynolds welcomes us all into the inner circle and no one is immune to that draw. We are onboard without hesitation.

A movie filled with IYKYK

We get it. But is the story any good? Ah…well…kinda the same answer as before. This story has multiple villains. If you’ve watched the Loki series, you know all about the TVA. I won’t go into them because it would take forever and I have a life. Villain 1 is pretty weak, as McGuffin as it gets.

The SECOND villain (the bald chick from the trailers) is someone only followers of the X-Men comics might know. This movie ever so briefly explains who she is. It was, in fact, SO brief that Mrs Average Dude didn’t catch it, and she has been with me every step of the MCU journey. But since she lacks the foreknowledge I possess from a youth spent in the pages of the X-Men, the character just blew right past her. Likewise for another character that pops up. I can’t tell you who it is because I’m not a tool. Let’s just say that Mrs Average Dude recognized them as someone ‘Magical’.

So, for the less-than-superfans, there’s a level of aweome in Deadpool and Wolverine that will just be missed, and that’s a shame. But even missing out on so, SO much, the average not-lifelong comic nerds will still love this movie, warts and all. Yes, the basic story is weak, just strong enough to move our heroes from one side-splitting scene to the next. We barely have time to register that because each scene comes at you hard and fast and hilarious, like a loud fart in church. Try not to laugh. I dare you.

To sum it all up, Deadpool and Wolverine is HIGH entertainment for everyone, and stratospheric fun for those of us in the know. I’m giving it 4.8 out of 5 and will probably go see it in theater a second time. In fact, mark it down for this Tuesday. The lawn can wait. I’m going.

But I’m not taking my mom. She’s not nearly gangsta enough for this sh!t.

BONUS

This is marketing genius. We’re not worthy.

Will Twisters blow you away?

Okay, that might be a bit of an overstatement. But it’s a headline that’s baked into the Twisters cake and I’m oblidged to shoe-horn it into my review. Let it not be said that The Average Dude doesn’t take a gimme when it’s offered.

Suspension of disbelief

Twisters is not a sequel, as you might expect. There are no cameos from the original and only one brief throwback (in the form of DOT, the barrel o’ sensors). So by and large, what Twisters does is introduce a new cast of characters that rush headlong into the vorex of a second ‘once in a lifetime’ storm outbreak.

Sharknado, anyone?

And lets be honest here…anyone breezing into the theater to see Twisters is already suspending disbelief to it’s justifiable limits. If you watched Twister (1996) then you already have come to grips with that. It’s fine. We’re fine. Hollywood has asked us to suspend them further than this. They gave us Sharknado, right? Multiple times. Like 6 times. We’ll be fine.

So we’re already mentally invested in the spectacle of Twisters. Extreme weather is the star of this blow-show. But we still need a human element to become invested, to make this movie a true blockbuster.

Enter Kate (played fairly vanilla by Daisy Edgar-Jones), a plucky storm-chaser in her careless youth turned meek and tortured city-dweller because of those darned tornadoes. When she is contacted by another tortured survivor of her early days, Kate leaves the security of NYC and its zero-tolerance for tornadoes (almost) to return to where it all began…Tornado Alley.

Suspension of disbelief 2.0

Upon returning to her old stomping grounds to battle the second once-in-a-lifetime storm outbreak, Kate runs into Tyler Owens, a YouTube storm-chasing superstar who makes his living driving his Dodge Ram truck into the heart of the maelstrom and anchoring it to the earth with twin augers. Never mind that an average tornado can shred steel or wrap it around a tree like it was a welcome home ribbon. But we’re still fine here. It’s not a flying apex predator, after all.

Tyler Owens (played by the insanely charismatic Glen Powell) is the real human show-stopper here. That dude is magnetic in a way that you just don’t see much of anymore. I’m told by the greatest generation that Cary Grant had it. Ryan Reynolds almost has it. But Glen Powell? It’s just not fair. Seriously, Glen. Save some for the rest of us.

To make the obvious comparison

Twisters takes the same dirt road that Twister did, pitting high-tech storm-chasers against the home-grown thrill-seekers (Tyler is dubbed ‘the Tornado Wrangler’). Kate seems to be channeling both Bill Paxton (RIP, my dude) and Helen Hunt from the original, and not quite getting the job done. Amazing supporting cast members like Philip Seymore Hoffman (RIP, my dude), Alan Ruck (‘the Rabbit is good, the Rabbit is wise!’) and Jami Gertz (‘We got cows!’) are nowhere to be found in Twisters. No, the weight of rizz is carried alone by Powell. And he does so. Nearly effortlessly. I think that’s just part of the gift he has.

Twisters doesn’t blow

Okay, there was another ovious headline. Sue me.

It’s definitely worth noting that Twisters does not bow to the alarmists of the world and blame everything on climate change. At least, not overtly. I counted twice that the movie stated storms are happening more frequently every year (there are some statistics to support that, though not this year). I find that refreshing and a bit surprising. Bravo to Director Lee Isaac Chung for make the conscious decision to not go that route and just let us have some fun. The Average Dude Abides.

And I may have been a tad long-winded but The Average Dude is giving Twisters a solid 4.2, totally worth your two hours and corn. My theater was packed, and that’s a good sign. Blockbusters are still a thing. I imagine Twisters will have a decent box next week, if only for the folks that tried to get Deadpool and Wolverine tickets but they were sold out. Two blockbusters in a row. Maybe cinema isn’t dead yet.

In the end, going to see Twisters is satisfying in the way that any of the latest crop of Godzilla v Kong movies (minus Minus One) is satisfying. We willingly throw science right out the Dodge Ram window and feel the winds. You know what this is going in. Anything more than that is just bonus. And we’re fine with that.

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A Quiet Place Day One is a lot of questions and no answers

Okay, I’m just going to come out and say it…I wasn’t really all that psyched to see A Quite Place Day One. I liked the first two well enough. I took my daughter and her friend to see the first one and she kept burying her face in my shoulder. That’s a treasured memory.

But the previews for this prequel (I’m pretty much over the whole prequel fad…is it just me?) left me cold. It was clear that this wasn’t going to be a story telling about who the soundcritters are. Or why they wanted to come here and ‘get all rowdy’ (to channel Capt. Steven Hiller from Independence Day). That would have been a prequel premise to shout about. Heck, I would have settled for knowing how they got here with no ocular orifices. How does their tech work with them basically being a giant ‘super-ear’? We have questions.

Just like Furiosa?

You know what question we didn’t have? How did the Quiet Invasion affect anybody else except Emily Blunt, John Krasinski and their family? We invested ourselves in their struggle for two movies. Starting all over again with A Quiet Place Day One feels like a money grab, not a continuation. And if anyone anywhere was asking for a prequel, I’m positive it was to anwer the aforementioned questions.

What we got instead was the story of a young, angry female of color with cancer and nobody to care about her except maybe one person at the inpatient cancer center where she lived. One might say that, if you can’t find something in that last sentence to become emotionally invested in then fellow dudes and dudies, you just aren’t trying. Yet there I was. Not caring all that much.

I always considered myself a dog person, but now…

Sam (no last name necessary) is played by Lupita Nyong’o (most notibly of Black Panther 1&2 and Us*) is accompanied by her emotional support cat ‘Frodo’. And for most of this movie, the only emotional investment I had was over the fate of this almost supernaturally incredible cat. I’m not kidding, this was the smartest, most loyal, chill-in-the-face-of-anarchy feline ever in all the history of history. Never to be equalled and barely to be believed. Not that Frodo did anything pivotal or John Wick-like. You’ll just have to see what I mean.

One does not simply walk into NYC

Anywhoo, Sam and Frodo (oh wow…I just this moment got that!) survive the arrival of the soundcritters, crashing en masse into New York City. Why would the soundcritters with their hyper-sensitive earfaces head to the epicenter of noise in this country? Questions. And in the chaos, this angry loner does the only logical thing and adopts a scared, besuited young professional named Eric (no last name necessary). Because societal collapse is well known for bringing out the charity in angry loners.

Questions, questions and more questions

Together, they embark upon the perilous journey to make it to a shipyard where survivors are getting out of Dodge by loading up on a large boat. Because soundcritters, with their galaxy-spanning spacecraft can’t swim and can’t figure out how to get to a floating thingy. But they attack a planet that is 3/4 of a thing that they can’t figure out. Questions.

A Quiet Place Day One just has so. many. questions. Where are all the bodies? Where is the gore? How did the loudest city in the world get silent so quickly? More questions.

Djimon Hounsou…for literally no reason I can fathom

I was glad to see Djimon Hounsou in this cast. I love him in every single one of his roles.** ‘Give us, Us Free’ is one of the most powerful lines of all time. A talent for the generations. So I was disappointed to find out that his part in A Quiet Place Day One was so small and impactless that any minimum wage talent could have done it. I would rather have seen him play the part of Eric, to be honest. The casting choice doesn’t make a lot of sense, is all I’m saying.

Pray I don’t alter it any further

The Average Dude started out giving this movie a 3 out of 5 because, in spite of taking half of it to become emotionally invested in anything that didn’t have whiskers and softpaws, I eventually liked Sam and Eric. I wished them well. I begrudgingly believed in their kindness towards each other. Because the Average Dude is an optimist at heart. When goodness triumphs under the most extreme of circumstances, I cheer. I want to believe that happens.

But as I type, I’ve found more unanswered questions in both the story and the choices behind the story. So against my usual habit of grading with my first gut reaction, I’ve dropped the score for A Quiet Place Day One a couple of times. The result is a modest 2.8 out of 5. The Average Dude can neither recommend nor NOT recommend it. I can only tell you that I am glad I saw it, and only because my personal makeup is geared towards that kind of ending. So sue me. I’m an optimist and I won’t be quiet about it.

*I saw Us at a free screening and I still feel like I spent too much. It used to be my least favorite movie all time, until Drive Away Dolls unseated it.
**except for maybe Shazam!

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