Category: Movie Reviews

Wonka: timing is everything

Ahhh, Christmas! There’s nothing like it, from Hollywood’s perspective. The season of giving. All the studios keep a magic bullet in the pipe to fire at the free-flowing cash spenders who are in the holiday spirit. I try not to fall victim to the obvious seasonal pandering flicks (like, say ‘Wish’). But even I could not avoid the hopeful anticipation of ‘Wonka’.

Wonka is a prequel to the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971), which is an unquestioned timeless classic at the level of Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music and The Godfather. Creating a companion piece to it was a monumental undertaking and getting us to sign on was a big ask. Even the most optimistic moviegoer (as I am) couldn’t help but go in with more than a spoonful of skepticism. But Average Dudes & Dudies, I am here to tell you that those fears are for naught. Wonka is amazing.

Credit where credit is due

I’ll admit, going into Wonka, I was neither hot nor cold on Timothée Chalamet (who magnificently plays title character). I have tried – twice – to watch Dune. That movie will require a distraction-free viewing. I’ll need to be intentional about it at some point. And some of his other movie choices are, shall we say, not my cup of tea? Let’s say that.

Some really heavy stuff in his IMDB credits. Seriously, I don’t need to see Bones and All. A movie about modern-day American cannibalism is a bridge too far for the Average Dude. Fan or not, I admit that it takes a special talent to pull off movies like Call Me By Your Name and Beautiful Boy. So, kudos to you, Timothée.

Wonka starts out with Willy’s arrival in America from his adventures abroad, where he has amassed all the greatest chocolatier science, skills and mystical secrets that the world’s imagination had to offer. Armed with this, a dozen silver florins and his indomitable optimism, Wonka sets about making his dreams come true. For a dude that a) is more than willing to look at the bright side of things, b) visits the world of imagination on the daily (probably more than I should, tbh), and c) has never let go of his own childhood dream (not tellin’), Wonka immediately stuck to me like Milk Duds on your teeth.

And just like my favorite movie confectionery, Wonka is a sweet reminder that lingers in my head.

Wonka has that ‘OOOMPF’ that you are looking for

There are callbacks aplenty to the original masterpiece staring Gene Wilder, and none of them are gratuitous. Examples: the first appearance of the Oompa Loompa (played by the always awesome Hugh Grant), the chocolate river, many of his Wonka-isms and personality quirks. Each one is a deeper dive into the magical elements of the original that we took for GRANTed (see what I did there?). Those memberberries are delightful and excellently entrance and enhance the experience. And make no mistake…Wonka is an experience.

There’s no call for that kind of language, Suh…

Wonka incorporates musical numbers into the story that, also like the original, add to the whimsical essence of the film. Mostly new additions, it does bring back a couple of the classic tunes and even adds some new lyrics. I won’t spoil any of those for you, but I imagine you can figure out what songs I’m referring to.

If there is one tiny hit I can make on this movie, it would be that the choreography was a bit too much like the limited dance sequences in the original. We have become accustomed to some spectacular numbers (I am jonesing to see ‘Good Afternoon’ from ‘Spirited’ right now…). Going a little bit further in that direction would have been wonderful.

My 2 shillings worth

So, Mrs Average Dude goes with me to nearly all my movies. She likes them (generally), but they don’t get into her like they do for me. Most of the time, when asked if she liked a show, the answer is ‘It was okay’ or ‘meh’ or ‘I liked it’. In Wonka, we were about halfway through and she leaned into me and said ‘I. Love. This. Movie.’. Unsolicited endorsement. Mid-show. I need say nothing more but I will.

Sitting next to me, two seats down, was a pudgy child of roughly 8 or 9. He was dressed in his pjs (which I just now realized were candy cane striped just like a certain chocolate slurping boy in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). He spoke in pretty much normal voice throughout the movie and was not seriously shushed by his parents. It was a distraction, of course. But the parallel to all the children of excess in that movie not only didn’t detract from Wonka…it somehow (magically?) enhanced it. It’s hard to explain but I do my best.

In Defense of Depp

In the Average Dude’s opinion: Johnny Depp’s turn as WW was, while separate from the other two, fantastic in its own right. You know what you are getting into when you go to a Tim Burton/Johnny Depp movie. And they do not disappoint. Was it magical? No, not really. But bizarre and entertaining? Without question. They’re just two different kinds of chocolate. One is most definitely darker than the other, but still quite tasty.

The Average Dude is enthusiastically, fervently, dynamically, whole-heartedly giving Wonka a 4.75 out of 5 golden tickets. See it this Christmas season in a theater if you can. Bring your chocolate, too. You’ll be craving it by movie’s end if you don’t.

Oh, and you might enjoy knowing that Average Dude went as ol’ WW a few Halloweens ago. Won first prize, too. Trust your Average Dude.

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Godzilla Minus One: New and Improved

As previously hinted, Average Dude invited Average Dude Bestie (ADB) to go see Godzilla Minus One. Stars aligned, the temperature in the netherealm dropped below 32 degrees, we grabbed some long overdue beers and then hit the moviehaus. He promised to withhold his opinion on this show until after I released my review. I’ll report back on whether or not we remain besties.

I typically avoid other commentary on the movies I intend to review for you all. And while I didn’t read or listen to anyone on Godzilla Minus One I wasn’t able to totally avoid catching a whiff of the prevailing sentiment. In fact, ADB mentioned how excited he was to get to see it and the reviews he’d seen were glowing. I stopped him right there and refused to hear another word so as to avoid a possible let down. Try as I might I was unable to totally shield my psyche from the pre-show love-fest that seems to have gripped everyone. To wit:

Doomcock (giggety) called it Awesome! One of the Best Godzilla movies [he’s] ever seen!

The Angry Review: the best film of 2023.

CinPals: Godzilla Minus One is Perfect (almost). The best film of 2023

Film Threat: Best Godzilla ever?

Like I said…a love-fest. The Average Dude, however, has a slightly different view.

See, this is why you need me

The Average Dude is not making a cent off of these reviews. I do it because I love movies. End of sentence, paragraph and story. If that ever changes and I do manage to make a dime from this labor of love, I will be the first to tell you. But my hand to God, I will never EVER alter the opinions I give you for money and I will never hype a movie that doesn’t deserve it just because everyone else does. You will get the straight shite from the AD. I’m not saying any of those guys are doing that. I’m just saying I don’t see it.

I missed hearing someone say…Gojeera

So let’s let the atomic lizard out of the bag right away. I liked Godzilla Minus One well enough. It set itself apart from other Godzilla movies because it included some actual emotional character development other than the inch-deep portrayal of mass terror. Godzilla Minus One showed us characterization on a very personal level.

Now, I get it…if you saw a 350 ft giant armored lizard with atomic halitosis, all other emotions at play within you evaporate and terror reigns supreme. Not much else in the emoting department is needed. Maybe steely determination. Godzilla Minus One gave us a wide range of emotions that barely had anything to do with the title monster. So yes, it was a different movie in that respect. Is that enough to heap all that praise? For me, the answer is nope.

It’s about Godzilla. Says so right in the title

Ask yourself this: what are you looking for out of a movie called Godzilla Minus One? If you answered exceptional character development then I’m sorry to tell you this…you aren’t hooked up right. Plus, if you want a monster movie with character depth, may I offer you the platinum standard…

And if you want a monster movie that instills actual terror, may I also offer you the platinum standard…

But a Godzilla movie – any Godzilla movie – you expect carnage. Massive ‘splosions. Missiles airborne. Buildings plowed asunder. More carnage. Any actual human character development is fine as a bonus. But as the primary applauded feature of the movie? Negative, Ghost Rider. The pattern is full. Like Pacific Rim (which I loved). It had just enough character dev to get us invested in their survival, without sacrificing exactly what you came to the theater to see.

Godzilla Minus One was not without a healthy dose of that good ol’ fashion mayhem like mama’s Gojeera use to make. I discovered today that they did use a dude in a rubber suit for most of it, and if true, that was an amazing feat, they truly upped their game. If not true, then the CGI was only so-so. Except for the atomic breath. That special effect was…well, special. Best I’ve seen.

But where was the Temporal Loom?

I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the mad scientist of this movie. Dr Noda (wasn’t he a bond villain?) was fun, and looked like the love child of OB and Victor Timely (and if you saw Season 2 of Loki, you know that is entirely possible. Maybe even inevitable).

We’re gonna need a bigger boat

Some other things that detract from the movie: Godzilla apparently has a regeneration power that looks like your standard Marvel movie nanotech mask on/mask off effect. Also, the physics of water displacement around a giant swimming lizard rising out of the ocean should have created some mighty waves that would affect boats large and small.

It was the Ricky Bobby effect

Finally, Godzilla walking on land was fine, except for the fact that his hands were constantly at a 45 degree angle, doing nothing. Not that they were big enough to do much of anything, but at least CGI would have had them doing something. Maybe he just didn’t know what to do with them. Whatevs. I’m giving Godzilla Minus One a 3.2/5. Not bad by any means. But in this Average Dude’s opinion, not nearly worth the atomic praise given by lots of names in the movie review community. Who’s right? That’s for you to decide. But I’ll tell you this much…Rotten Tomatoes is giving it a 96%. I lost all trust in those guys long ago.

Oh and not for nothing, but I could NOT find a clear answer as to what the ‘Minus One’ meant. If anyone knows, hit me with that knowledge. Thanks!

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The Shift is not just a good movie

As promised, this week’s twofer includes The Shift, the latest offering from Angel Studios. Those are the same folks that brought us Sound of Freedom. Check my previous reviews. I loved that movie.

I think, therefore I are

I think I’ve mentioned before that the Average Dude is a classic over-thinker. In my personal circles, it’s a well-known fact. Mrs Average Dude constantly rolls her eyes when I hear song lyrics that don’t make sense and try to figure out what they were saying and becomes a conversation I’m basically having with myself…it’s a whole thing.

Likewise, when I see a movie, it’s not just two hours of escapism. I am hyper aware of plot holes and inconsistencies, but also more than willing to forgive them in pursuit of finding quality entertainment. It’s a dichotomy that defies understanding. So, in that way I guess I’m not your average dude. We like the same stuff. I just think about some of them more.

I may have also mentioned that I believe there are bad movies and good movies, then there are important movies. Movies that do more than let us check out for a couple of hours. They are impactful in a positive way. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is definitely one of those. Passion of the Christ is another. Saving Private Ryan makes the cut. Sound of Freedom, too. Each one of them deserves – even commands – introspection. Each one has essential things to say that we, in the helter skelter world where we all live, can easily forget. The Shift lands solidly in the important category. It’s an opinion, yes. But one that all would be well-served in considering.

When The Shift hits the fan

The Shift is the story of Kevin Garner, a kind of everydude (welcome, bro!) who meets the girl of his dreams at the lowest point of his life (so far, that is). At their first meeting, his soon-to-be wife Molly raises the question ‘what will happen to us when we experience tragedy? Will we be able to weather the storm?’ Fast forward a few years and tragedy does indeed strike, and that question is answered.

 

Enter: the Benefactor, played by the absolutely awesome-in-everything-he-does Neal McDonough. The Benefactor possesses a technology that allows him to ‘shift’ between alternate realities. He offers Kevin a job…come and work for him as one of his ‘shifters’, moving from reality to reality doing the Benefactor’s bidding. Oh, and by the way, all Kevins in all other realities have accepted the Benefactor’s offer. For reasons I won’t reveal here, our Kevin declines and is branded ‘the Kevin who refused’, becoming infamous across the multiverse (I know, I know…we will address it, have no fear). As a punishment for rejecting the Benefactor, Kevin is exiled to a bleak and hellish reality where hope is…well, you’ll see…

 

On its surface, The Shift is not breaking any new ground. Dystopian future hellscapes, brutal and oppressive overlords…we’ve seen it countless times. What makes The Shift different (and immeasurably better) than most is the clear, unashamed God element. The Average Dude was raised up in the way of the Lord so Christ-influenced movies don’t make me uneasy. I know what I know. So while shows like The Last of Us, The Road, Hunger Games, Mad Max, V for Vendetta et al are all great watches in their own right, they can all be dismissed after the lights come up.

The Shift cannot be so easily dismissed. At least, it should not be. And if the idea of God in our world makes you uneasy…? Well, I urge you with all my average dude heart to take a deeper look at why that is.

Get a Job

The Shift is the based on the Biblical story of Job, reimagined for a generation that has elevated sci fi almost to worship status (anybody remember the tragic Heaven’s Gate cult?). It’s not a visual representation straight from the Bible like The Chosen (another popular offering from Angel Studios). It’s allegorical, a cautionary tale so full of meaning and brimming with hope that begs introspection. And I would be criminally derelict if I didn’t impress upon you that to purposefully cast off the deeper meaning of this parable could wind up being a horrible choice. Horrible doesn’t even begin to describe it.

But if we agree to disagree

For those of you who don’t believe the same things that I believe, I can promise you that The Shift is still a great sci fi movie, grabbing us from the opening scene and leading us along without rushing us. It touches every emotion I can think of. Love found and lost. Tragedy compounded by more tragedy. Guilt and redemption and selflessness and still so much hope. Think ‘The Adjustment Bureau’ if it took a step closer to the source of the source material. That’s the best comparison I can give you.

Does The Shift have flaws? Yes, it does. It will clearly appeal more to those of us who believe that there is a devil and he is actively working to destroy us all. He’s been doing it for a long, long time and he knows all the ways to hurt us. When it comes to subtle manipulation and easy to believe lies, he is the ultimate subject matter expert. For those who do not believe in his existence, the impact of McDonough’s amazing performance will be lessened.

Also, from a story perspective, there are some character resolutions that never happen. Those are small knocks and easily forgiven. And then, there’s the whole ‘multiverse’ aspect. Yeah, it’s been used to death in recent years and it leads me to the one HUGE, unexplained plot hole that I cannot reveal without droppig a spoiler. I’m sure you’ll spot it. A little harder to overlook.

That doesn’t make me wrong though

Am I biased? Sure, that’s fair. I’m still giving The Shift a heartfelt 4.8/5 and welcome any discussion on it. I am sure the intent from Angel Studios was to create an engaging, thought-provoking and entertaining movie that leads to bigger conversations within you. That’s a bold goal, I hope it bears fruit. For those who are already invested in the movie’s inspiration, it did just that. For others…? Time will tell. But there is always hope.

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The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

I was all in from the first moment I heard about The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. The original Hunger Games series is an annual rewatch for me, an amazing story full of amazing characters portrayed by amazing talent (Caesar Flickerman being my favorite). Being the pie-eyed optimist that you know me to be, how could I not be psyched for a rebirth (or pre-birth, if you like) of the franchise?

Snow: Coriolanus or White?

The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes stars Rachel Zegler, a fairly new face on the scene, with a pretty lean IMDB profile. She was in the West Side Story remake and Shazam II. However, she is MOST notable for the absolutely reviled live action remake of Snow White, where the 7 dwarves were reimagined as the 7 magical creatures of mostly normal size but vastly diverse ethnicities and (presumably) sexual preferences.

That movie hasn’t even been released yet and the backlash has been so severe that it has been rewritten, rebranded, reshot and finally postponed indefinitely. This all in no small part to Rachel Zegler’s very public promotion of the character as a…uh…girl boss? Can we call it that? Let’s call it that. More on that later. Enough to say that she did not put the odds in her favor.

In spite of all the ruffled feathers caused by the off-camera opinions of the songbird element in The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, I was still excited to see this movie. And just like the latest Indiana Jones and Barbie movies, ignoring all the social media talking heads with their pre-formed opinions served me well. I really enjoyed this movie on multiple levels.

For those of you who don’t know, The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is a prequel to the fantastically successful and original Hunger Games series staring Jennifer Lawrence and a whole arena full of stars too numerous to list here.Shorten with AI

Taking place only 10 years after the rebellion in the Districts, this movie focuses on a very young Coriolanus Snow (previously played by the always amazing Donald Sutherland). Corio is a child of the Capital (which is to say the societal elite), but not one of their more prominent or wealthy children. The Snow family have fallen on hard times and all their hopes for reclaiming their once lofty social status rest on Coriolanus winning a scholastic ‘prize’.Shorten with AI

Highbottom…that’s some funny shite…

The Hunger Games, as created in the Panem charter, is losing popularity in the Capital and fomenting new rebellion in the districts. Enter Volumnia Gaul (played by a maniacal Viola Davis) as the current Head Gamesmaster. She is looking to save her skin and increase her own power by turning the Hunger Games around. To do that, she has enlisted the best minds of the Academy, along with their Dean, Casca Highbottom (fantastically portrayed by Peter Dinklage). Coriolanus’ ideas found favor with Dr Gaul and Coriolanus was thrust into the very heart of the Capitals dark, soulless fight for power, like a political Hunger Games.

Like the original series, The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is deliciously multi-layered. At times an action movie (though less so this time around), other times a will-they-wont-they love story, but always a taught political drama, full of twists and turns. With a run-time of 2 hrs and 38 minutes it might have felt a tad overlong, but certainly worth holding your bladder for.

Overstuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey

The flaws I found in The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes were few and easy to overlook. I loved that they included more than a couple of scenes that foreshadow the games to come (like the origination of the song ‘Hanging Tree’, sung by Katniss in the first series). Jason Sshwartzman as Lucretius ‘Lucky’ Flickerman, who had impossibe shoes to fill following Tucci’s Caesar Flickerman performance. He did what he could so kudos to him.

There were lots of those member-berries. Some worked, some did not. A bow by Lucy Gray Baird exactly like the one Katniss gave the Gamekeepers felt forced. Likewise a shot of an unused bow and arrows in the cornucopia of the arena. Then there was a ham-fisted mention of a katniss plant. Seriously, no one watching this movie doesn’t know who Katniss Everdeen will one day be. No need to stuff the member-berries down our throat.

And seriously…again with the Chapter I, Chapter II, Chapter III scene change frames??? They add zero value to the movie and only serve to take the viewer out of the story. Stop it already. I’ll fight you.

The story of Coriolanus Snow…emphasis on the ANUS

Though there are no current plans for there to be another book or movie in this series, there’s just too much story left to tell in the tale of Coriolanus Snow’s ascendence to the pinacle of Capital power. I’ll be surprised if this movie doesn’t spawn at least one more. If the movie fails at the box office, it wont be because of the movie itself. I’m giving The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes a solid 4/5 and am very much hoping to see this story continue. I am a fan, social agendas be damned.

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The Marvels is not so much

Mr and Mrs Average Dude are eager consumers of the MCU. We’ve seen everything so far (except for the animated stuff, EXCEPT except for the Spidey cartoons that the next gen Average Dudes clamor for). So, we were going to see this regardless of the absolute barrage of negative chatter on social media…poor test screenings, delays, reshoots, budget bloat, unpopular lead actress (am I allowed to assign a gender to that job catagory anymore? It’s so confusing…). Primetime showing, opening day. I can personally attest that our theater was nowhere near full. We sat in the primo spot in our theater and we had plenty of seat buffer. So there’s that.

The Monday morning reports are already calling time of death on this movie, reporting it to be the biggest FAIL for an opening weekend Marvel movie EVER. Bold take. And pre-release reports were saying that this movie needed to bring in around a cool billion bucks to be considered a success. Uh-oh..

Am I just getting old or what’s the deal?

Per my process, I start a mental walkthrough of the movie. And TBH, I can’t even recall what the opening scene of The Marvels looked like. So, I scan my memory for the first thing I actually can recall, hoping to jar my Average Dude brainbone. What pops up is the spacewalk scene where a stunningly underwhelming Nick Fury is chatting with both Captain Marvel and Monica ‘Lieutenant Trouble’ Rambeau (a weak and contrived nickname from the first Captain Marvel movie) who are checking out some weird energy readings from their trans-spacial hither-thither hexagons. And, apparently, they (the Marvels) both have unaddressed beef with one another. Can’t you just feel the awkward tension?

JK…we seriously do not care.

I think at some point around there we are introduced to the villain of The Marvels. Lucky for me I have a Google machine to remind me that her name is Dar-Benn (who was a dude in the source material but is now a woman who looks very khaleesi-like but whatevs…)

The only truly memorable thing about her is that she is the off-screen cardiac affiliate of Loki (Tom Hiddleston, to you non-nerds). Point is, she’s an ultimately forgetable character. And because nothing in this movie is not contrived, she discovers the mate to the power-bangle possessed by one Kamala Khan – the Ms Marvel of Disney + fame. Or infamy, to be more precise. How convenient.

I’m not ready for that

Adding to the countless contrivances in The Marvels, Captain Marvel, Lieutenant Marvel and Private Marvel get inexplicably entangled because of something to do with the hither-thither hexes and will swap physical positions with one another when they use their powers. Sometimes. Not every time but apparently when it’s convenient to the plot. Why just the three heroes and not Dar-Loki? No clue. Probably because that would have robbed the writers of the ‘hilarity’ of the body swapping. Sigh…whatevs. I wish I could give you a final count of just how many contrivances, coincidences and plotholes big enough to fly a starship through. That would require the Average Dude to watch The Marvels again. And to quote my favorite Captain…

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…

Is there anything enjoyable in this flurkin movie? Surprisingly, there is. And it comes from the place where I absolutely least expected. Kamala Khan (KHAAAAN!!!), Ms Marvel’s character actually brought some childlike wonder to a story and script that was bone-dry. In her own Disney+ series she was tedious and annoying. Not here. In fact, we should recognize her entire family for injecting life into this movie. Placed next to the plain oatmeal performances of both of the elder Marvels, they were like a cool breeze on a hot Arizona summers day.

So, it’s a musical now?

There are lots and lots of sub plots shoehorned into this movie for reasons we can only guess at. A flurkin army, accidental genocide, broken promises, preparing for financial retirement…and a musical dance scene that feels very Bollywood.

Very little of them made sense and none of them were really explained. Like seeing a baby carseat on the side of the road, you wonder how it got there. In the end, you realize you don’t have all the informtion you need and spending time wondering about it is just too horrible. So, I am giving The Marvels a 2.5/5 solely on the Khan family performances. Oh, and one of the two post-credit scenes was really intriguing. All I’m saying about that.

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Live Freelance or Die Hard

The Average Dude remembers feeling surprise and joy after going to see ‘The Rundown’ (Sept, 2003). There was not a lot of buzz on it, it was a filler-movie to tide folks over until the spooky movies came out. The Rock had just begun his rocket-ride to super-duper stardom and so wasn’t a studio lock yet. Spending my allotted weekly cinema time was a bit of a gamble* that paid off. Freelance doesn’t hit that mark, or even come all that close to it. Still, just like the Rundown or Die Hard 4, Freelance evoked the same spirit…a movie that delivered more than was expected.

Freelance is the story of Mason Pettits (John Cena), an ex-Special Forces soldier who was forced into civilian life after an operation in a South American went, uh, south. Now a small-time lawyer, a husband and father, Mason feels his best life is behind him and pines for a life that had meaning. The strain of his malaise takes a heavy toll on his family.

Enter Sebastian Earle (nice to see you again, Christian Slater), a former Special Forces mate who now runs a top-dollar private security operation that employs ex-military, ex-cop and current roided-out meat puppets (unapologetically). He offers his old pal Mason an easy payday: escort a lady journalist – Claire Wellington – to the same South American country where the course of his life was changed so she can interview the very dictator – Juan Venegas – that Mason once tried to permanently ‘depose’. It doesn’t take much convincing for Mason to take the gig.

Sounds like a simple in-and-out, right? But of course, things go awry and Mason finds himself running through the jungle trying to keep Claire alive while also trying to NOT kill Venegas. Okay, a fun premise with a small twist. The first small surprise in a movie that has several small surprises.

Not exactly the road less travelled, but…

Freelance is not in danger of breaking any new ground, but also does not take the predictable happy path to the finish line (well, not totaly predictable, anyway). There are a few little twists and turns in this movie that at least keep us wondering about who the bad guys are and what hidden motives there might be. And that is something that’s not nothing. Before we get to the heartwarming and/or Oscarbait movie season, finding a little light popcorn-chomper like Freelance is itself a nice little surprise that will ultimately be forgotten.

The story is the real hero in Freelance, but a perfectly subtle performance by Juan Pablo Raba as the dictator of Paldonia should be noted. John Cena does exactly what you’d expect from him. Likewise Alison Brie’s performance. And Alice Eve and Marton Csokas were all but wasted (but nice to see anyway).

All in all, Freelance was better than I expected and a nice surprise that didn’t give itself totally away in the first reel, and for that I’m going to give it a 3 out of 5. This movie feels like it would have been a bigger hit if it had been released in August, where the surprise factor would have had a little more impact. Some free cinematic wisdom, there ya go.

Oh and btw, I hear that there is some traction on The Rundown 2. Errrr…uh okay. Sure. Peg it for a February release. There is no ‘off’ on my cinematic wisdom switch.

*Full disclosure, even though he’s the biggest name in Hollywood today, the Rock movies are still a bit of a gamble. Receipts: Black Adam and Jungle Cruise come easily to mind.

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South Park Into the Panderverse: More chicks. More Lame. More Gay.

Full disclosure from the git-go…prior to watching South Park Into the Panderverse, Average Dude had seen exactly 1/2 of one episode of South Park (TIMMY!!!). Not throwing shade, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. That’s not to say that I am ignorant to the characters that Trey Parker and Matt Stone created. I could not be a sentient American over the past QUARTER CENTURY and not know who Cartman, Kyle, Stan and the ever-resurrected Kenny are. But when I heard the premise for this episode I was too intrigued not to give it a watch. And man, am I glad I did.

I’ve been skewered by South Park! I’m somebody now!

Everyone knows that Parker and Stone are brutally irreverent and comically merciless in their content. That’s been their lane from the beginning, and its served us all well. And they are on point because NOBODY has been immune to their slings and arrows. Donald Trump. The NFL. PC Culture. Caitlyn Jenner. Covid. Anti-vaxxers. Celebrities. And now…finally…Disney. South Park Into the Panderverse takes particular aim at The Mouse. And Disney is not happy about it. Not. One. Bit.

Parker and Stone have taken a few shots at the House of Mouse over the years. How could they not? They acquired the greatest entertainment properties of all time! Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Marvel, Pixar, ESPN, ABC and of course, their own kiddie entertainment juggernaut. They truly seemed like they were immune to failure. Such amassed power demanded the attention of South Park. And so confident in their great power, they laughed off the barbs because they believed in their own invulnerability. Hold up a hot minute there, Disney…

Times they are a-changin’

Setting aside my own opinions for a bit, here are some facts: Disney has promoted some very polarizing content in their biggest properties. The troubled story of the latest Indiana Jones movie (which the Average Dude liked) was well-publicized. The toxic battle behind the scenes between Kathleen Kennedy and Gina Carano. Their very open push for ‘diversity and inclusion’ but is widely seen as ‘indoctrination’ has led them to roll out financial failures like Strange World, Lightyear, the Little Mermaid redux, and pretty much anything from Marvel in the last year. Do I even need to mention the backlash unleashed on Rachel Zegler and Snow White and the 7 Magical Creatures. (I can’t even…no) All this content is a monolithic financial failure. Fact. Undeniable fact, not earnestly open for debate. All that begs the question: why? That is open for opinion, of course. And that’s where South Park Into the Panderverse comes in.

Opinions are like buttholes, and South park shows you theirs

South Park Into the Panderverse was amazingly topical on so many levels that the Average Dude truly needed to make physical notes on everyone who got shish-kebobbed. Sure, the major shishing was reserved for Kathleen Kennedy, one of the biggest names at the Mouse House. Kennedy was pivotal in promiting some very non-traditional content that pushed the LGBTQ+ agenda (Disney has long been a proponent ) Stone and Parker’s parody of this open pandering was to lampoon the lazy-writing macguffin of Marvel’s Multiverse to both bring Kennedy into the South Parkverse AND to remake it with the battle cry ‘put a chick in it and make it lame and gay’. Cartman, having voiced much anger at Disney for ruining so many once-awesome properties, was pulled into the Kennedyverse where everyone was a chick and gay. I’ll let you ponder the possibilities for a moment…

A secondary but no less relevant story within was the ascendence of the local handymen because they can fix things, while the college educated elite were suffering because they didn’t know how to do anything and relied on the handymen for even the most simple repair tasks. (Note – never mind that any of us can build a particle accelerator by quickly searching YouTube but whatevs) South Park Into the Panderverse gives us an over the top parody but the point gets made hilariously.

So, let’s get a (severed) head count…

Having only seen one full episode of South Park in my life, I have no idea if the show is typically multi-layered. In this one, they managed to bust chops on Disney, Kennedy, Iger, Feige, Marvel, LGBTQ+ corporate pandering, Cartman himself, the college-educated elitists, the skilled craftsmen, and even a sideswipe on Elon Musk and Richard Branson (did anyone but me notice the Branson cameo in Superman Returns? Just sayin’…). That’s an impressive body count for one show and I enjoyed it so much. I’m not saying that I’ll be going back to watch 25 years of the show. But I’m glad I watched this gem.

One knock on Parker and Stone is that this episode comes way after the mustard was off the hot dog. The pendulum of more traditional values has long since begun swinging back. This episode would have been so much more of a skewer if it had been done even a year ago. Even so, I’m giving South Park Into the Panderverse a very rare 5/5. The fact that Disney is actually attacking back and employing their journo-army to help out is proof that they struck a nerve dead-on. Better late to the party than not at all, I guess.

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Killers of the Flower Moon is dark, man

The Average Dude has to admit that I dragged my feet a bit on seeing this movie. Was it the daunting 3.5 hour runtime? Nah, there are superlong movies that the AD loves (Titanic, Return of the King, Endgame). Was it the casting? C’mon, man…DeCaprio and DeNiro. Was it the subject matter? Ah, maybe, a bit. Not that I dislike native americans. Hard to believe but the Average Dude actually has enough native american blood in my veins to qualify to live on the reservation. But if I’m totally honest, there is seriously enough tragedy, skuldugerry and straight out evil in the current day and age that purposefully spending my movie time on more of the same just isn’t appealing. And combining that with an insanely long runtime…well…you get it.

But because I love doing this so much I knew that I would inevitably do the deed, grab my corn and duds and slide into the pleather recliner (before the coming attractions because Average Dude LOVES the previews) and fade out of the current mud and into the mud of Killers of the Flower Moon. Labors of love are not all sunshine and skittles. Important lesson there.

I might have had a birthday waiting for this movie to end

No way to sugarcoat it…this movie was way too long. Why was Killers of the Flower Moon too long where Lord of the Rings wasn’t? This might get me some unkind responses, but here goes: Martin Scorsese has done everything in the movie industry that a man can do and has earned every accolade. Total legend. Can anyone really blame him if he wants to do a piece that is for himself more than for the viewer? Yeah, we can. But he’s earned the right to do this, too. And that’s what this movie feels like. Killers of the Flower Moon was a movie that Scorsese has wanted to do for a long time. Clearly he put a lot of love into it. Too much love, IMO.

The cinematography on Killers of the Flower Moon was top notch, the costumes and sets were amazing. The performances by De x2 (see what I did there?) were excellent as usual, and Lilly Gladstone was Oscar-worthy. I think the failing of this movie (and ultimately, the director) is the writing. Yes, it depicted a very cruel, greedy, amoral time in America’s history with honest, gritty realism. The rub is that it wasn’t depicted equally across the board. Killers of the Flower Moon felt like 3 hours of white on red evil. It depicted the bigotry, jealousy and greed of white people with great clarity. However, the Osage were portrayed as predominantly noble peoples who just wanted to live their lives and enjoy the good fortune that the oil beneath their lands afforded them. And I just don’t think that is an honest portrayal.

Mud on a legend

Killers of the Flower Moon briefly touched on the snare of suddenly injecting great wealth into a poor community. The detrimental excesses to that community would be widespread, exascerbating tensions for both white and Osage alike. There is a real depth of story there that Scorsese wiffed on. Fair or unfair, the wiff feels like it was on purpose, which makes me lose some trust and faith in Scorsese. I might be assigning current Hollywood sensibilities to Scorsese but we can hardly be blamed for that. Taking into account the temperature of society is their job. Too many writers, actors and directors feel they need to tell us how we should feel instead of creating something that appeals to how we actually do feel. And that’s a problem for all of us.

In the same vein, the range of detestable emotions that festered in the white society as they stole, swindled and grifted as much of the Osage wealth as they possibly could was barely mined. Greed overrode vanity as they became servants, drivers or common bootlickers of the people they saw as inferiors, and the internal conflicts of those opposing forces should have been a much bigger part of this movie. Yet, it was used almost as a backdrop for telling the story of Earnest Burkhart and William Hale. Wiff.

Apologies to Mr Scorsese, but…

It’s not that the Average Dude doesn’t like a good bio-pic. I do. Ron Howard’s Cinderella Man (2 h 24 m so, not a short one, either) is probably my favorite sports movie (move over, Major League). A Beautiful Mind, Schindler’s List or even Scorsese’s own Raging Bull…all top shelf in my book. So no, that’s not what brings this movie down. At the end of the day, I think it just might be that Scorsese so very much wanted to tell a tragic story that should have been told a hundred years ago but wasn’t. And in the final analysis, probably doesn’t add anything good to the world by telling it now. If feels like it’s just another Hollywood elite telling America that it is bad. And in the telling, somehow separating themselves even further from the unwashed masses. Maybe that’s too harsh, maybe not. I’m open to hearing differently, as always.

What did I like about Killers of the Flower Moon? Visually, it was fantastic, I think I mentioned that. Likewise the actors, across the board. I love it when a director cameos in their movies a la Hitchcock. And to be fair, this movie has Oscar written all over it. I’m not sure that is a compliment, though. To find a movie that won Best Picture that was widely, overwhelmingly considered the Best Picture by audiences of every demographic, you just might need to go back two decades to Return of the King. Not that movies like Slumdog Millionaire weren’t amazing. I mean a movie that appealed to almost everyone, not just the artsy elitests. I’m talking about a genuine crowd-pleaser like Gladiator.

So, with all due respect to Mr Scorsese, I’m giving Killers of the Flower Moon* (an artsy name if ever there was one) a 2.5/5. Are you not entertained?

*worth a note, I couldn’t quite remember the name of this movie as I asked for my ticket. The theater attendant finished the name for me. He had to do the same for the fellow behind me. Apparently, the name isn’t resonating with a lot of us Average Non-Artsy types. Food for thought.

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Walking Dead Primer

Okay, I’ve mentioned it before…the Average Dude’s wife has become a total zombie-fan, and I only have myself to blame. See, I introduced her to The Walking Dead just about a year ago. Since that time we’ve journeyed through 11 seasons of TWD, Fear TWD, Tales of TWD, World Beyond and now…Daryl Dixon (*note – and we both eagerly await The Ones Who Live, the Rick and Michone spinoff). That is a LOT of zombies. I will occassionally stay up after she goes to bed and watch Lower Decks just to cleanse my mental palate.

Zombies…its science!

As mentioned, Daryl Dixon is the eleventy skillionth spinoff to the amazing Walking Dead journey. Sure, I know that TWD was probably 2 or 3 seasons too long and we were all kind of ready for humanity to outlive the zombies which just kept unliving in massive herds with nothing to gnosh on, but whatevs. We all pretty much decided to suspend all disbelief when we accepted that the zoms could see, hear, think, ambulate and use their vocal chords to make raspy growls all without the benefit of a working circulatory system.

To be honest, the shock and horror aspects of TWD had pretty much worn off by the end of season 2. What captivated us was the sociological element of the show, which was infinitely more entertaining and, at times, repulsive than rotting corpses hell-bent on chowing down (without a digestive system).

TWD, the Early Days

One of the biggest draws to TWD was knowing that your favorite character could – and probably would – die at any moment. We tuned in to make sure that everyone we had grown to love were still upright, still taking nourishment (and not…you know… BECOMING nourishment…I guess…). My friends and I actually had a pool going on called Next One Dead. A little dark but whatevs. Monday morning we all commiserated at the coffee pot as someone’s emotional avatar bit it. It was both bonding and cathartic.

There were, of course, a precious few characters that would forever be immune to dying, lest the masses revolt and the show tank. Rick Grimes, the titular leader and soul of the post-zompocalypse world. Carol, for reasons I never really understood but accepted anyway. And then there’s Daryl (not to be confused with the other brother Daryl. There’s your obligatory Daryl joke. Lets move on). Daryl Dixon, maybe even moreso than Rick, is beloved by all. Certainly worthy of his own spinoff.

Daryl Dixon is Batman…sort of

The legend that is Daryl Dixon grew from humble beginnings. His brother Merle (played by the awesome Michael Rooker) was an abusive, bigoted drug abuser, dealer and possum-eater. Short on ethics but long on survival skills. He was an alpha male in the most primal sense (so, not the good kind). And he was intentionally hard on his little brother. Partly because he wanted to make his little brother tough, partly because he was a sadistic douche-hammer. Many of those fine qualities he imparted to Daryl.

But in spite of (or possibly because of) that role model, the intrinsic good guy bad @$$ at his core emerged. In a world where only the hard would survive, Daryl Dixon absolutely became the hero everyone needed. And if he ever got dined up on by the undead, there would be rioting in the streets.

Daryl Dixon goes international

Fast forward to episode 1 of the Daryl Dixon solo adventures. We find DD afloat on the wreckage of a boat, washing up on unfamiliar shores. Within a short time he discovers road signs in French. Daryl has somehow and against all logical odds found himself on a right European holiday. The how of it will be (hopefully) explained during the course of the series.

And now…the shark

Here is where things get interesting. Daryl quickly learns that the European version of walkers have a dangerous new feature. Not only are there the ‘climbers’ (first seen in season 10 or 11 of TWD) but there now appear to be ‘burners’, whose internal goo is acid that burns human skin. Why doesn’t the zombie-goo burn the skin of the zombie? No clue but we are jumping the shark so we are going with it. And the upgrades don’t stop there. It looks like the tribal, tin potentate warlords that always sprout up when society implodes have created a drug that turns average zombies into uber-zombies. The zombies 2.5 are rageful and even more powerful than your standard undead.

*Note: The standard zombies seemed able to shred human skin to find the crimson treasure inside with superhuman ease. I’m waiting to see if the 2.5 version can actually leap tall buildings in a single bound. The point is, the price of survival just went up. That’s inflation, I guess.

Daryl Dixon is also Snake Plissken

Clearly, the writers of TWD ran out of compelling storylines and have switched gears for the Daryl Dixon series. And I’m totally fine with it. Sure, it’s over the top. Way over the top. But we still love Daryl and are not ready to say goodbye. This new series is no longer a study in sociology, it’s now a full-blown sci-fi epic. It was surprisingly easy to slip from one model to the next. Watching DD stab, skewer and swing a morningstar (SOOO cool) in tunnels, castle ruins or dead of night is less cerebral but no less satisfying.

Daryl Dixon Season 2 has already been greenlit and the final episode of season 1 has set the stage for what looks to be a 5 star kick@$$ ride that I for one am really psyched to watch. I’m giving Daryl Dixon Season 1 a 3.5 (knocking off .5 because reading subtitles gets tiresome) and am expecting Season 2 to be even better. And Mrs Average Dude can stave off her zombie withdrawals a little while longer. Makes me happy.

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This week’s review is for the first season of Ahsoka (Disney +) But first:

The Average Dude claims to be a movie aficionado. It’s a bold claim that I’ll explain. Someday. Anyway, there’s a lot of content out there, more than any single person could consume, even if they spent their entire life with face in screen. Average Dude has a balanced life. I spend time with my family and friends. I play a variety of sports whenever I can. I watch football all day on Sunday. So no…I don’t spend all my time in the mancave or at my local viewhaus. I am judicious in my choice of what to watch. I have to be.

So saying, I have made time to watch all of the Star Wars content coming out on Disney +. Strike that…all the ‘live action’ Star Wars content. That would be Mandalorian, Book of Boba Fett, Obiwan Kenobi and now the latest offering, Ahsoka. I have not watched the animated Star Wars shows. I could name a few off the top of my head, but a quick Google search showed me just how much there is. And that’s where the problems with Ahsoka begin…

It’s all just too much

Going into Ahsoka, I had a vague knowledge of who she was. I’ve seen her around. She was a jedi that survived Order 66 – the extermination of all Jedi. She had a cool look about her (somebody tell me if those things on her head are actual hair? Tentacles? Does it have a purpose other than looking tribal and cool? Thanks in advance). And when she popped up in the Mandalorian, I was like ‘Okay, this might be cool’. But it wasn’t. It was confusing. And annoying.

Just keeping it real with you

Why was Ahsoka confusing, you might ask? To put it bluntly, it pretty much assumes a deeper knowledge that I do not possess. From the very start, Ahsoka drops characters on us that clearly had a history together. Friendly, adversarial, romantic maybe? It’s all so unclear. What is very clear is that Ahsoka main man Dave Filoni made a series for people who were already invested. And you can all see the inherent problem. How is this supposed to get new viewers – or even the non-new but also not fanatical viewer to be excited for the next episode? It just. Doesn’t. Work.

You’re all probably saying ‘ I get you, Average Dude. But could we just go and watch the other required viewing and get a better appreciation of the Ahsoka series?’ You could, sure. I personally don’t have that kind of time nor a compelling reason to dig deeper. Which brings me to the second point…

Who’s writing this stuff?

From the very first episode right through to the last, Ahsoka walked through her scenes with an aloofness and disconnect that bordered on disdain. The way she dealt with everyone and every circumstance exuded a sense of superiority that really put me off. I dont recall much of any range of emotion from her. ‘But Average Dude, the jedi are trained to beware their emotions, lest they control them and open the door for the dark side!’ Okay, sure. But not reject them all like Vulcans. Jedi were okay with love, joy, laughter…widely respected as positive emotions. But not Ahsoka. She was really a one-note character and it was hard to like her, bad@$$ or not.

And it wasn’t just Ahsoka. Every character seemed to have undergone the Vulcan ceremony of kolinahr (I know I’m mixing space sagas here) and purged all emotions. Grand Admiral Thrawn was as monotone and cold as his blue exterior. Baylan Skoll and his apprentice Shin Hati were of the Dark Side and still showed no emotion. And don’t even get me started on the whole space-witches thing. What the literal, ever-loving shite? Sorry. I’m letting my emotions control me. I don’t give a nanu-nanu.

Girl Bosses unite!

I may be asking for a shite-storm for this, but I think it might be worth mentioning that there seemed to be only three men in any kind of staring roll. The aforementioned Thrawn and Baylan Skoll. Add to that list Ezra Bridger, a dude that the good guys were looking for because…? That part had to be included in the cartoons because I have no earthly idea why. That’s about it, though. Oh, there’s also an episode where a dead Ahsoka does battle with a dead Anakin Skywalker because I guess that’s what happens in the jedi afterlife.

My point being that Disney appears to be making a conscious effort to emphasise strong female characters and minimize strong male characters. Now, when the Force and space witches are added to the equation, the debate of whether a girl can physically compete with a man is moot, I get that. But it still begs the question of ‘why do it in the first place?’ If you’re going to tell me it’s to bring in more female viewers, you have to bring me all the receipts. My best guess is that Star Wars is still a male dominated fanbase. Did Rey Skywalker significantly tip the scales? Does Ahsoka? How many male viewers have become uninterested (like the Avereage Dude)? Valid questions.

Rock on, Lucy Maclane

Ahsoka wasn’t without its good points. Mary Elizabeth Winstead was one of those. MEW played Rebel General Hera Syndulla. I dug her in Scott Pilgrim vs the World and Live Free or Die Hard (both strong female roles, thank you). Also, the CGI was excellent per usual (Boba Fett’s space Vespa thugs excepted). I might deduct a point because some of the lightsaber choreography was stiff (IMO).

At the end of the day, I’m giving Ahsoka a 2/5 but I’m still hopeful. The Star Wars universe is vast. With the proper writing and directing, it could be magical again. I’ll pop in for season 2 and see if they’ve righted the starship. If not, there’s always something else on.

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