Author: todd.wade

Den of Thieves 2 was a long time in coming, and not in a good way

I have to admit, I barely remembered a thing about Den of Thieves. It starred Gerard Butler and O’Shea Jackson Jr (both returning for Den of Thieves 2 Pantera). It had a ‘bad cop’ feel a la Training Day. That’s what I remembered. The Average Dude had to rewatch it with the missus prior to heading to my local moviehaus.

Strike one

The point there is that Den of Thieves 2 was released in mid January. For those who don’t yet know, Jan-Feb and August are the cinematic equivalent of giving your kid a time-out. Not quite bad enought to be banished to their room and not be seen by the guests, but bad enough to be removed from the party. That’s strike one.

Strike two

Den of Thieves 2 was also released 7 years after the first installment. That’s nowhere near the all-time record, which is dubiously held by Mary Poppins Returns (with a different actress in the title role so I am not really counting it). And to be fair, we waited 36 years for Top Gun Maverick, and that turned out fabulously. But then, there’s also Beetljuice Beetlejuice (also 36 years), which turned out very NOT fabulously. I digress… Just sayin’ that’s a long time for folks to forget a fairly forgetable movie to begin with. Strike two.

But then…a curve ball

Den of Thieves 2 was not just a carbon copy of the first. As the trailer showed, Nick (Butler) has become disenchanted with the burdens of cop life and is tracking down Donnie (Jackson) to see how the other half lives. He follows Donnie to the World Diamond Exchange and Scooby-Doo’s that he is planning a huge score. And Nick wants in. It’s not altogether unbelievable that Nick would cross that line, given that his character would often dance over that line and jump back again.

That’s the basic premise of Den of Thieves 2. Butler plays the brash, alpha-among-alphas persona to a tee. The real appeal of Nick is that we never knew whether to love the guy or hate him. When you’re looking for that character, Butler is a solid go-to.

Bad choice. Done poorly.

As for the rest of the cast, they’re pretty much unremarkable. O’Shea Jackson has the emotional range of a catcher’s mitt. Whether the scene calls for anger, fear or excitement, he only seems to be able to weakly muster the stone-cold killa look. Vacant stares. Like un-lifing someone and choosing what brand of butter to buy carry the same emotional weight for him. Not only does Jackson not feel all that threatening, but the very choice is so cliche it’s boring. To paraphrase the legendary Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society, ‘Just don’t make it ordinary.’ Or boring.

With that said, I’m giving Den of Thieves 2 Pantera a marginal 2.6/5 on the always entertaining Gerard Butler. Call this movie an infield single on a cold, wet field. Against a bad opponent. In a Cactus League game. The result is just okay but you’re not really that excited about it. And in the end, it didn’t make your season any better or worse.

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Wolf Man wasn’t a big hairy deal

As I’ve said before, the Average Dude is not much of a fan of this generation’s idea of the ‘horror movie’ genre. I’ll go into more of an explanation on why that is later in this column. Having said that, I am a fan of the classic horror films. Frankenstein, the Mummy, King Kong, all were terrifying in their day. And maybe my favorite – the Wolf Man. Lon Cheney Jr. Bela Lugosi. Classic horror icons.

Because we have run out of original movie ideas

Fast forward: Universal Studios attempted to reboot The Wolf Man in 2010, starring Anthony Hopkins and Benicio Del Toro. I didn’t hate this reboot, but I didn’t love it, either. It was a pretty lukewarm movie that should have been better, given the star power involved, but okay. It was supposed to be one of the tent-pole movies of Universal’s new ‘Dark Universe’. I thought that was a fantastic idea and am a little perplexed why they gave up on it so quickly. I think I get why both of those flicks underperformed expectations. And again, I’ll get to that.

A Wolf Man for a new millenium

The latest iteration of Wolf Man stars Julia Garner (Ozark) as Charlotte, a city-dwelling journalist and work-distanced mother. Her stay-at-home husband Blake (Christopher Abbott) takes his family ‘home’ to finally put to rest his father’s back country estate after he was declared legally deceased. You can easily guess the rest of this plot, I reckon. I mean, not a lot you can really do with it that hasn’t already been done. Like a Godzilla movie, you kind of know what’s coming.

What sets Wolf Man (in any era) apart from other monster movies like Frankenstein and Dracula is the inner struggle of the creature itself. The villain is also the victim, so the audience has an emotional tug of war going on. More than any other classic horror movie, developing the characters as relatable and believable is key. And that’s the biggest problem I have with Wolf Man.

Stick to what you know, I guess

Wolf Man was written and directed by Leigh Whannell, who has a string of very successful horror movies to his IMDB credit (the Saw series, the Insidious series). I will admit, I have never watched so much as 5 minutes of those movies. Going to see Wolf Man was sort of a hail marry to see if there was any actual classic movie horror left in Hollywood. If Wolf Man is any indication, there isn’t.

That Whannell is a titan of the modern idea of horror is indesputable. His writing has spawned eleven Saw movies, plus prequel Spiral. Insidious inspired 5 movies to date. The dude is super-popular. Wolf Man is his 4th directing credit. I could name them but what’s the point? I’ve seen one of them and it was not memorable. My point here is this: Whannell might be able to write about what society wants in their horror films, but directing it on screen is a different animal altogether.

Claws and effect

Where Wolf Man excelled is showing the de-evolution of Blake into the man-beast. It wasn’t a complete, full moon transformation. It was a progression that didnt reverse itself with the coming of the sun. That metamorphosis was done well and absolutely evoked a sympathy from the audience.

Where Wannell’s directing failed, it failed hard. Phantasically and utterly. Julia Garner is no slouch as an actress. I’ve seen her in Ozark.. She’s part of the new Fantastic Four movie. She’s got skills and a quirky likeability in the looks department. And I think she did the most she was allowed to do with the horrible, unrealistic dialog that was given to her. There are tense situations where a brooding silence would be an appropriate response. I’m going to go on record as saying that watching a your husband, who has morphed into a clawed, slavering feral thing would not be one of them.

Think of the children!

And for the love of Aunt Bea, there is no 8 year old child on planet earth that would not be losing their sh!te over seeing their beloved dad turn into a hairy, fanged, rabid killer. None. Zero is the number. Yet, at Whannells direction, that’s exactly what the young daugher of Blake and Charlotte did. For me, that was the stake in the heart of this movie. If Wolf Man had been top shelf in all other areas, that performance itself would wreck this movie. There. I said what I said.

Which brings me to my first point

Though it saddens me, I get that times have changed. What our parents ones thought of as the apex of movie horror doesn’t even register in people today. Modern horror is about jump scares and how to dismember a person’s body and psyche in the most dehumanizing ways. Sorry if I injure you by saying so, it’s about depravity and the loss of humanity. Each movie has to be even more creatively soulless than the last. Simply put, the reality of a soulless human is more terrifying than any walking corpse or mutated beast-dude.

And worth a thought…anyone who thinks that they aren’t being damaged by watching modern horror…well, I would just urge them to consider the possibility that I’m right.

SO…while Wolf Man isn’t a horror film in the vein of Whannell’s other successes, it most certainly isn’t a throwback to the really old-school b&w flicks. And if you can’t get hooked by those, then I suggest a Silence of the Lambs. Or American Werewolf in London (the 80’s version, please). As for Wolf Man 2025, I’m giving it a tepid 2.5/5 on the strength of the actual wolf-changing element. Other than that, this movie just has no bite to it at all.

If you want a TRULY different Wolf Man…

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A Complete Unknown is going to be a hard sell

I have to admit, there was a serious lack of movies that I was interested in seeing this weekend. In fact, I was about to review Carry-On (Netflix). But the weather forecast promised a few days of hunkering down in my snowbound house, so Mrs Average Dude and I decided to venture out before we could no longer venture. The selection was A Complete Unknown.

A Complete Unknown is the bio pic of a living legend

That Bob is a living legend is undeniable. Your humble Average Dude is no spring chicken, but I have no recollection of Bob Dylan in his heyday.* I’ve heard his hits, how could I not? I’m a sentient human and his music has inspired an entire generation (the one before mine, I believe). That generation spawned a subculture of Americana that lives on today in the form of the ‘green party’. Dylan and his angry-but-somehow-also-merry band of folk singers (Joan Baez, Woodie Guthrie, Pete Seeger and so on) were musical vanguards. Millions of young people looking for an emotional outlet (or perhaps a reason to emote) fed on his thought-provoking lyrics and hummable melodies. Dylan, with great talent, personal conviction and force of will, propelled himself from A Complete Unknown into a force for change. In a time before social media, that is no small feat.

A Complete Unknown is the bio pic we didn’t know we needed. Because we didn’t.

The Average Dude’s favorite song during the folk music era was the theme to Speed Racer.** Suffice to say, I was too young to dig on Dylan, the Beatles or anything that didn’t play at the beginning of a 30 minute TV show. And while there are plenty of people still around who were grooving to him, a lot of those don’t venture out to the theater. And their numbers are dwindling. My point is, A Complete Unknown has an appeal to a relatively small demographic. In a society that has an ever-shrinking attention span and an ever-growing pool of distractions, the bio pic of Bob Dylan ranks fairly low. For most, he is indeed, A Complete Unknown.

Timothee Chalamet doing Timothee Chalamet things

Unless I want to go out and interview the previous generation (who may have been baked for it anyway), I will never know if Timothee Chalamet’s portrayal of Dylan in A Complete Uknown was accurate. However, Chalamet has proven himself to be an amazing actor and I’m willing to concede that he did his homework. And whether accurate or not, Chalamet sells it. I have so much faith in his talent that I chose to go see A Complete Uknown on the power of his impressive acting credits. He may end up being the greatest actor of a generation. That’s my prediction.

Kind of like Adam Driver’s Amazon Ads

I can’t really call it an overlooked gem. I can confidently say that everyone in A Complete Unknown did an admirable, if not all that memorable job. Ed Norton, Elle Fanning, Monica Barbaro were all quality. Of special note are Boyd Holbrook, who did a fantastic job as a young Johnny Cash. Scoot McNairy did an amazing job as an infirmed Woodie Guthrie, past the use of his voice. For their part, they all performed well. But they were overshadowed by Chalamet in every scene. A Complete Unknown is the story of Bob Dylan, and none other. Had the script called for just a little bit deeper dive into some of them, A Complete Unknown would have been a more satisfying 2 hrs 20 min. As it is, we got a fairly shallow glimpse into the legend of Bob Dylan performed by a world-class talent.

So, The Average Dude is giving A Complete Unknown a middling 3.25 out of 5. I’d say wait for it to show up on streaming, but I don’t think it will appeal to the bulk of America (and barely even noticed by non-English speaking countries). A niche movie if ever there was one.

Bob Dylan himself said that he likely wouldn’t see A Complete Unknown, but Timothee Chalamet would probably portray him well. Bob clearly still has all his faculties.

*I do have a cover of Desolation Row done by My Chemical Romance on my running ipod.

**Go, Speed Racer, Go!

 

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Sonic 3 delivers for everyone

So, my son has two children that are 110% rough and tumble boys. MicroDudes if you will. This was our year to have them on Christmas, which was amazing and never long enough. The boys, ages 3 and 5, are all about Spidey, Bluey, Transformers, Ninja Turtles…and Sonic the Hedgehog. When they found out Sonic 3 was going to be in theaters this Christmas, there was no question of whether or not Dude* was taking them. None. It was always going to be my honor.

Trust the experts

To my shame, the Average Dude knows next to nothing about Sonic and his pals. I know one is called Knuckles, because the three year old thinks he IS Knuckles. Everything in the house gets Knuckle-smashed. Doors. Dogs. And Dude (ponder, if you will, about the height of a 3 year old and whereabouts on Dude that Knuckle-smash lands).

So, since I can’t review a movie sequel that I am woefully inadequate to review, I decided that my boys – Naise and Asher, will be the ones to pass judgement on Sonic 3. You’re welcome.

(Inside the theater)

Dude: ‘Naise, you get to sit by Dude. Asher will sit by Maimeo**’.

Naise: ‘And Shadow sits with me.’

Dude: ‘Who is Shadow?’

Naise: ‘Dude, Shadow is in the movie!’ (Naise holds up his most favoritest of stuffies…a Sonic character if ever there was one).

Dude: ‘Yes, of course he can!’ (Hugs it tight)

(Sitting in the theater)
Naise: ‘Dude, do you have my candy? I got the dip-pop’.

Dude: ‘Got it. Do you need to go to the bathroom?’

Naise: ‘No’ (he didn’t).

Dude: ‘Asher, do you want some popcorn? Ash? Ash, don’t smash those people. They’re good guys.’

(He still smashes them. They’re good sports).

(Previews roll)

Dude: ‘Naise! Do you want to go see Superman with Dude?’

Naise: ‘Sure.’ (a lackluster commital until…)

Naise: ‘Superman has a DOG???’

Dude: ‘Yep. His name is Krypto and he can fly and shoot lasers from his eyes, too!’
(Krypto is apparently a gateway dog to creating a Superman fan).

(The movie rolls)
Naise: ‘DUDE! That’s Shadow in the water!’

Dude: ‘Naiser, you gotta whisper.’

Naise: ‘Dude! It’s Shadow! It’s Shadow!’ (barely a whisper).

(Movie rolls on)
Naise: ‘Dude, I need some more popcorn.’

Dude: ‘It’s all gone. You guys ate it all.’ (in fairness, I ate my share)

(Movie rolls on)
Dude: ‘Naise, where did you get that popcorn?’

Naise: ‘It’s everywhere.’

Dude: ‘Do NOT eat that popcorn!’

Naise: ‘Dude, you have to whisper.’

(Movie ends)
Dude: ‘So, what did you boys think about the movie?’

Naise: ‘It was AWESOME!’

Asher: ‘AWESOOOOME!’

Dude: ‘What was your favorite part?’

Naise: ‘Shadow!’

Asher: ‘Knuckles!’

Dude: ‘Would you tell others to go see this movie?’

Naise/Asher: ‘YEEEES!’

Mrs Average Dude: ‘Someone was farting through the whole movie. It was so bad!’

Asher (tucking his head to his chest, slightly to one side and smiling, looking up at Maimeo and flashing eyelashes that any woman would die to have): ‘It was me. I did it.’

Naise: ‘Asher FLUFFIED!’

So there you have it, straight from the experts. The boys say Sonic 3 is the best movie ever. But then, Moana 2 was the best movie ever. So was Wild Robot. Basically, whatever movie they go see is the best movie ever. Because for them, it’s about the whole movie experience. The popcorn. The big screen. The EVENT of it. And that is the spirit of going to the movies that The Average Dude embraces.

So, the progeny of The Average Dude give Sonic 3 a hearty endorsement that I can only interpret as an age-appropriate 5 out of 5. You’re daughters and grand-daughters might prefer Moana 2, but maybe not. Either way, Sonic 3 is high entertainment for the kids and watching them enjoy Sonic 3 is high entertainment for their adults. Literally something for everyone.

*Yes, the boys call me ‘Dude’. Not the ‘G-word’. I explained it to them like this: Calling me (the G-word) = Christmases will be a 3. Calling me Dude = Christmases will be 5+. So, now until the end of time, they call me Dude. The Dude Abides.

**Maimeo: pronounced MOM oh – Irish for Mrs Average Dude.

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Homestead brings it to where you live

Okay, the Average Dude will openly admit a couple of things right out of the gate…I was really looking forward to Homestead AND the Average Dude absolutely has been preparing for the possibility of a total economic collapse. There, I said it. Not that I would consider myself a Prepper (capital P). But yeah, I looked at the social and political landscape of the past decade and felt that taking a few precautions was a responsible decision. Taking care of the Average Family is a priority.

Imagination is a two-edged sword

Coming out this Christmas is Homestead, a dark imagination of a very possible future. The latest release from Angel Studios, Homestead stars veteran actor Neal McDonough, who is a staple of many Angel Studio movies and never disappoints. McDonough plays Ian Ross, a wealthy land owner who long ago saw the writing on the wall and created a self-sustaining lifestyle tucked away in the mountains (Rockies, I think?). When the nuclear SHTF (look it up), Ian calls his family and close friends home to roost, along with a cadre of ex-military ‘security’ personnel to help him keep his loved ones safe.

You’re in my world now, soldier

The leader of the ex-mils is Jeff Eriksson (Baily Chase), who brings nearly a dozen of his select operatives (and his melded family) to Homestead. Eriksson is in his element here and finds that a part of his job is to convince Ian – who is in semi-denial – that the world everyone knew is now gone. Hard choices will need to be made if Homestead is going to survive.

Adding to Ian’s troubles is his tender-hearted wife, Jenna (Dawn Olivieri), who is of the opinion that surviving isn’t good enough if you have to let your friends (or strangers) suffer. Jenna wants Ian to open the gates of Homestead and let the refugees in. In Ian’s mind, the math just doesn’t work, the supplies and replenishable yieldage can’t take the added mouths. And Ian must protect his family…at all costs. Hard choices indeed.

Kids will be kids, even during the apocalypse

There are multiple character arcs frolicking in the end-of-days story of Homestead. Teenagers gonna be teenagers, young love and all that. Puppies make everything better. Power dynamics. Family struggles. Wrestling with spirituality. Logic vs faith. Everything exacerbated by fear of a new, dark reality. The house of cards outside the gates is falling, and all hope is centered on Homestead.

The Good and Bad, minus the Ugly

My point: Homestead does a really decent job of exploring the changing landscape of an America collapsing. It drives home, in gentle fashion, how amazingly fortunate we are in this country. Also, how much we take for granted and how incredibly unprepared we are to truly take care of ourselves and our own. However, it does so from a vantage point that almost none of us can identify with.

Homestead is the story of a very wealthy family who has prepared for a collapse that some say is inevitable. And therein is the rub… almost none of us have the resources of the Ross family. We can’t afford sprawling estates in the mountains. We don’t have the hours in a day to maintain agrigulture on those non-existing estates. We don’t have connections with private security forces to come and keep us safe. In the minds of Preppers, it’s a fantasy come to the big screen. All their forsight and plans and wisdom paying off.

For everyone else, it’s a reminder that, in a SHTF scenario, pretty much no one is prepared. And honestly, Homestead doesn’t take it far enough. Bleak as it is, Homestead doesn’t really show the brutal decent into inhumanity that a collapse like this would be for the 99.9% of America. In short, it misses the mark.

The Divinity Factor

Homestead incorporates an element of God With Us, which is a mainstay of every Angel Studios film I’ve seen. It provides the ray of hope and faith and trust that God requires of His people, albeit sort of as an afterthought. And because of that, the impact of the miraculous was somewhat muted. IMO, another missed opportunity.

In the end, I found Homestead entertaining in a way that Civil War wasn’t. Where Civil War was just bleak, Homestead brought an element of hope. And my takeaway there was that, even though I possess not even close to the level of resources as the Ross family, I can still help those in need. I can’t save them all. But that doesn’t absolve me from helping who and where I can. And I still need to trust that God will provide.

So, all things considered, The Average Dude is giving Homestead* a solid 3.7 out of 5. God save us all from such a day as this. If that’s not to be, God grant us the courage to see and give hope.

*I’ve also watched the first two episodes of Homestead: The Series, which picks up right where the movie leaves off. I’ll be excited to see this post-apolcalyptic show through to the end, however that plays out.

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Wicked is turkey and stuffing for the eyeholes

Your humble Average Dude is not ashamed to say that I like live theater.* I’ve seen many of the greats in my lifetime. The Lion King. Les Miserables. Phantom of the Opera (twice). And of course, Wicked. Seeing these amazing productions live on-stage is vastly different than seeing it on the IMAX, for many reasons, good and not as good. There is a great and terrible tension when you are sitting in your seat with live actors a frisbee throw away that could at any moment miss a cue or forget a line or trip over their own feet. You’re applause, your gasps, your laughter, are all part of the experience.

To the good: taking an award-winning stage show and adapting it to the big screen allows the special effects wizards to make it SO much easier to suspend disbelief. Flying monkeys on stage are obviously fake. Flying monkeys on the screen look real enough to be…uh…real. And Wicked takes full advantage of that.

Simpler times, I guess

For those of you who turn your brains off whenever you hear the words ‘live theater’ or ‘musical’, the story of Wicked is a retelling of the classic story The Wizard of Oz, told from the perspective of the ‘Witch’ Elphaba (played by Cynthia Erivo).

Wicked is, at it’s core, a commentary on socio-political structures, biases and evils. I’ve heard whispers that the 1939 MGM film made from the classic literature by L. Frank Baum was also a veiled political commentary. I’ve never cared enough to dig into whether that is true or not. I prefer to let the film be what most of us have always percieved it to be: a fanciful, magical tale of a binary battle, good vs evil.

Oh, but the times are a’changin’

Wicked (or more precisely, Wicked Part One) doesn’t even try to hide it’s moral juxtaposition. From the very first reel, we learn that Alphaba was the product of an illicit affair between a lonely Ozian ‘work widow’ and a smooth-talking travelling salesman who plied his willing conquest with an intoxicating green elixir.** That’s a little bit of a spoiler and I apologize. It was necessary to frame pretty much the entirity of the tone of the movie.

And don’t get me started on the Wizard

From the perspective of Wicked, all the people in this movie are wicked EXCEPT the witch of the west.*** Glinda (the ‘Guh’ is silent) is, at best, a shallow, entitled brat who has never been told no by her Mumsy and Popsicle. Elphaba’s wheelchair-bound sister is a pitiable victim of an unfair life. All the students of Shiz University are either mindless followers or vicious elitests. Even the quasi-love interest for Elphaba is a self-absorbed narcisist until he meets the transcendant one (Elphaba, not the Wizard).

For all that, Wicked is just really good

In every way you can imagine, Wicked is the anti-Wizard of Oz…except…it’s darned entertaining.

Every character is played to the utmost, which is the only way a movie like this can succeed. Glinda (the insanely talented Ariana Grande) is the epitome of entitled idol wannabe… the expect-to-be. All the students excellently play the worst kind of mindless, cowering followers. Jeff Goldblum and Michelle Yo play the ruling class morally bankrupt douche-hammers perfectly in their convinction that superiority gives them license to do as they wish. Literally, the dregs of humanity covered in frosting are reflected in Ozkind. And we gobbled it up. The musical numbers were as popular as we remember and the choreography is a sure-fire Oscar win. Director Jon Chu absolutely nailed it. Bravo, sir.

I now have to consider that Almira Gulch had a good reason to snatch poor Toto

And that’s the internal conflict I have over Wicked. I am being entertained watching the worst segments of first-world society wallowing in their brokenness. I am now rooting for the icon I once considered to be the embodiment of evil (poor Toto in her basket enrages me to this day). Where once I was content with a magical story about true good truimphing over true evil, I’m now forced back into the cruel realities of adulthood…that appearances are often deceiving and that presented perceptions must always be challenged. And maybe most of all, that I have been entertained by watching it all unfold.

Even so, I’ll freely admit to being visually enthralled and intellectually entertained by Wicked and am giving it a deserved 4.2 out of 5. While it’s not as fanciful and pure of heart as last year’s Christmas juggernaut Wonka, it is none-the-less easily worth your time and corn. Enjoy it. Try not to think about it too much. Or do. Your choice.

Not for nothing

Maybe worth noting, maybe not…I counted exactly ONE little person in Munchkinland. Whoever thought THAT was a good idea?

*The Average Dude is not including the whole remote viewing of a ‘live’ performance thing. In my opinion, those are a shameless money grab that absolutely robs the remote audience of the full theater experience.

**Cue the morally outraged who will either claim the mother’s victimhood by way of neglect and roofie or the ones clutching pearls over her selfish infidelity.

***a very purposeful choice of words.

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Gladiator 2  Second verse, same as the first

I think that reviewers have long held a sort of de facto distain for sequels and that’s not without merit. We can all point to numerous second acts that were downright awful. Certainly, that list is much, much longer than the very short list of sequels that were better than the first.* But that might be a tad unfair, too. Some sequels, while paling next to the movie that gave them life, can certainly stand on their own. Die Hard 2 is a great example. Beverly Hills Cop 2 is another. And Gladiator 2 falls into that catagory also.

The devil you know or the devils you don’t?

Gladiator 2 picks up the story of Roman General Maximus Decimus Meridius 16 years after his death. The dream that was Rome has not only failed after Maxumus’ sacrifice, it has fallen to even greather depths of depravity. The Empire is now ruled by Emperors Geta an Caracalla, twins, during a period of great unrest and instability.

And, as is the norm with sequels, the ante is always upped. Geta and Caracalla are even more decadent and unhinged than their predecesor Commodus (played magnificently by Joquin Phoenix). One seeks to amass more wealth to pay for their extravagances by way of war (I guess just taxing the populus didn’t cover expenses). The other one was just bat-shite crazy, assumedly by way of syphilis.

They say you can crush a man’s head

As in the original, the moral center of the movie and the Empire was the leader of the Roman Legions, General Acacius. While dutifully carrying out the orders of Emperor Geta, Acacius (played by over-rated but also wasted in this role Pedro Pascal) limply laments the fallen state of the once great Roman empire. In a true Roman twist of fate, his armies attacked a city where lived a young husband, fisher and part-time soldier named Hanno (Paul Mescal). Only after the city was sacked, his wife killed (by Acacius, of course) and he taken as a slave, did Hanno learn that he was indeed, the son of Lucilla (Connie Nielsen reprising her role) and Maximus, Lucius Verus.

Also akin to the original, opportunist and purveyor of human colosseum-foder Macrinus (Denzel Washington) sees the seething rage of Hanno and plans to harness that elemental force to make him a champion. It was only later (and in a very murky fashion) that we learned Macrinus’ true aim was to gain control of the whole of Rome.

Don’t forget about Legend

Director Ridley Scott is almost as famous for his monumental duds as he is for his unforgetable truimphs, and lately he has had more of the former than the latter. Napoleon, House of Gucci and now Gladiator 2, all fall very short of the incredibly high bar he has set for himself (The Martian, Alien, Gladiator and Blade Runner, to name a few). The good still far outshine the bad, IMO.

Did Gladiator 2 jump the shark?

The special effects were especially on point in Gladiator 2. The fight sequences were very well done and suitably gorey. I was suprised to learn that there were in fact, naval battles (called naumachiae) reenacted in the colosseum. Whatever else you might say about the ancient Romans, they were ingenius. And while hungry sharks might have been Hollywood upping that ante, the Average Dude abides.

In the end, I’m giving Gladiator 2 a decent 3.2 out of 5. It absolutely suffers by comparison to the original, which won Best Picture in 2000. But I think that, if it were not living in that shadow, it would have been a suitably entertaining sword and sandal flick. Let the mainstream movie philosophers debate its very obvious similarities to the first and glaring flaws in the town square. We will feel free to enjoy it for its own sake.

Not that I don’t wish there were…

Oh and not for nothing…I saw an advertisement for this movie during football this week, claiming that ‘Gladiator 2 was the biggest hit of the year’. Ummm, did they all just forget about Deadpool and Wolverine? Heck, it wasn’t even the biggest SEQUEL of the year. There were twelve sequels that ranked higher than Gladiator 2  (17th). See, this is why you need The Average Dude…someone like you who will tell you straight up and simply if a movie will be worth your time and try to find something positive if at all possible. I’m not trying to justify a payday. There is no payday here. Just the honest truth.

What can I say except You’re Welcome!

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Red One is no Hallmark movie

This week’s offering is Red One, a Christmas-themed action flick starring two of today’s top action stars – The Rock and Chris Evans. Okay, I’ll openly admit it….the Average Dude is a sucker for 3 movie categories. 1. Dog Movies 2. Kevin Costner Movies and 3. Christmas Movies.

The first – needs no defense. 2. I’m not saying they’re all great, or even all good. But I’ll go on the record as saying I liked Waterworld. I liked The Postman. I said what I said. 3. I’m excluding the whole Hallmark movie sub-catagory. I don’t do Hallmark. Or Hallmark adjacent. Not bagging on them. I think those movies have the same attraction for folks who are more prone to emotional content as action movies have for yours truly. Your thing is your thing.

Santa for the Terminator Generation

 

Red One puts a very high tech, macho @$$-kicking slant on the traditional Christmas ethos. Santa (played by the always awesome J K Simmons) is a lean, buff, spry elder saint who crushes it in the gym, dashes across rooftops and swings from rappelling ropes like a superhero. Not the traditional ‘bowl full of jelly’, for sure. But also not for nothing. This Santa doesn’t rely solely on magic to pull off the Christmas miracle. No, Saint Nick gotta be peak Santa on December 24th to pull it all off. I get it. The Average Dude abides.

Sounds kind of familiar, doesn’t it?

 

As the trailer tells us, Santa (code named Red One) gets abducted by the nefarious forces of Grylla, the Christmas Witch. The bad guys are equally tech savvy and motivated by their own very different world-view. Where Santacrats are driven by kindness and childlike compassion, the Grylacans are all about the inherent evil of all people and, as such, need to be punished. I know, that sounds really twisted but so are the times we are living in. I find myself wondering if that is on purpose or just an extension of today’s society? But I digress…

I’m too old to use the word rizz

In an effort to rescue Santa and save Christmas, Santa’s Security Chief Callum Drift (Rock) enlists the unwilling aid of Level 4 naughty lister Jack O’Malley (Evans), a high-tech finder of people. It’s a very Rush Hour kind of team up that sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t. It’s as if the insane amounts of charisma are at war with one another and the result sometimes cancel each other out. Charisma overload.

An observation worthy of its own column

Speaking of charisma…I’ve come to notice this about Wayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson…he is a human avatar of gravitas. Everything he says and does carries a solemn, purposeful intent. He is 100% self-assured. So, when he makes his speech about the necessity and purpose of Santa, it carries that very air of unquestionable truth. Yeah, I know…sounds pretty silly. But when the Rock speaks, people listen. All of his characters exude righteous authority. And though we know it’s pure childish fantasy, there’s a little piece of us that still wishes it were so. Or maybe we just want to believe there is something left in this world that is still pure. I’ll have to think on it.

To tie it all up and put a big bow on it

In the end, Red One gets a very passable 3.6 out of 5 from the Average Dude. This movie is never going to be on the annual Christmas Nice List as a Must Watch like Elf, Scrooged, Jim Carrey’s Grinch or the Griswolds. But was it worth a Saturday night big screen? Absolutely. The story was new, the action sequences were cool and the stars shone when they weren’t stepping on each other. Sure, the villain was about as threatening as last year’s fruitcake on the buffet table. But everyone else was on point (I want to see a Krampus spin-off). So take the grandkids, get the large corn and enjoy Red One. Mr & Mrs Average Dude did.

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Agatha All Along was Marvel?

Your usually humble Average Dude can boast that he knows a great deal about Marvel, having spent hours in the pages of comics as a kid. And with the exception of Madame Web (still holding the line), I’ve watched all the MCU content. Some of Marvel | Television offerings were pretty good. GotG Christmas Special. Werewolf By Night. WandaVision. Loki. Some were bad, even awful. Ms. Marvel. Secret Invasion. And, of course, the steaming pile of soggy wokeshite, She-Hulk.

I think there were others, I’m not sure.

Then, there is Agatha All Along. Sometimes called Agatha Darkhold Diaries. Or Agatha Coven of Chaos. Agatha All Along is the spin-off of WandaVision, where we first learned that Agatha Harkness, the whacky neighbor, was a dark witch intent on stealing Wanda’s Darkhold magical energies. In the end, our Scarlet Witch outsmarted the wiley elder-sorceress, stripped her of her own magic (and memories) and imprisoned her in the town of Westview. All that happened in 2021, so if I just spoiled anything, it’s on you. You had your chance.

There can be only one

The online community has had a lot to say about this latest MCU content. I’ve yet to see anything overly positive. Some, like Doomcock (Overlord DVD on YouTube), hated it so much that he put it ahead of the Acolyte in his pantheon of despised Disney content. THAT is a bold claim that your Average Dude just cannot concur with. For pure poop-trash, the Acolyte stands alone.

In fairness to Doomcock

Doomcock openly admits that his disgust of Agatha All Along may be tainted by his own personal biases, and I commend his honesty. And in his defense, isn’t that indemic of all reviewers? No defense of this is necessary, oh future ruler of earth.

Also in defense of Doomcock, he didn’t TOTALLY hate it. He openly admits a creepy, lusty fascination with Aubrey Plaza and spent more than a brief moment declaring this to his followers. Ummm…okay. Maybe too much honesty here? Especially from a nom de guerre like Doomcock? Just saying.

But back on point

Even with Doomcock, Nerdrotic and my favorire Critical Drinker all declaring their contempt, boredom or outright disgust of Agatha All Along, your Average Dude must, in all honesty, say that I didn’t hate it. Was it the MOST gay Marvel show ever? Yes, I think it clearly was. They ham-handledly announced William’s preferences right from the start and seemed to be written as cliche as possible. Also, in a later episode, William, played by teen actor Joe Locke, saw a scene where he kissed his boyfriend with…uh,…vigor, let’s say.

As for the women of this show, there was a subtle (and at times, not so subtle) undertone of scissor-hood. On that, I’ll say no more. None of these scenes were critical to the plot and were clearly there to attract (or possibly placate) a particular demograph. And that was really annoying, if I’m being totally honest.

Marvel All Along?

Even after all of that, I still didn’t hate Agatha All Along. It was moderately paced. It didn’t try to do too much. It had character development. Was there more to like than to dislike? Mmmm, that might be too much. Maybe there was just not much to actually hate. Mrs Average Dude and I would queue it up every Wednesday after dinner. I think we are still riding the MCU loyalty, hoping for something good again. And when compared to other Marvel | Television failures of the last few years, Agatha All Along just wasn’t horrible. Not a high bar, for sure. But there it is.

Kathryn Hahn did a serviceable job in the title role, as did her supporting cast. I thought Joe Locke as ‘William’ was pretty wimpy and annoying. I suspect that casual Marvel watchers had no idea of the big finale reveal. Your Average Dude figured it out from the first episode and knew how intrinsic he was to future Marvel productions. That knowledge was all that connected this story to the whole of the MCU.  Other than that, it was a very milquetoast witches tale.

It could be just good timing in that there is precious little worth watching other than the Penguin (a gift from Marvel’s Distinguished Competition). So…I’m giving Agatha All Along a very middle of the witches road 3 out of 5. It did have some nice outro music (Donovan, the Cure, Billy Eilish and the great Jim Croce). At the end of that road, there will be very little impact on the future of the MCU and even less to remember. It was a serviceable time passer.

Maybe I’ll watch Deadpool and Wolverine again.

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