Author: todd.wade

Agatha All Along was Marvel?

Your usually humble Average Dude can boast that he knows a great deal about Marvel, having spent hours in the pages of comics as a kid. And with the exception of Madame Web (still holding the line), I’ve watched all the MCU content. Some of Marvel | Television offerings were pretty good. GotG Christmas Special. Werewolf By Night. WandaVision. Loki. Some were bad, even awful. Ms. Marvel. Secret Invasion. And, of course, the steaming pile of soggy wokeshite, She-Hulk.

I think there were others, I’m not sure.

Then, there is Agatha All Along. Sometimes called Agatha Darkhold Diaries. Or Agatha Coven of Chaos. Agatha All Along is the spin-off of WandaVision, where we first learned that Agatha Harkness, the whacky neighbor, was a dark witch intent on stealing Wanda’s Darkhold magical energies. In the end, our Scarlet Witch outsmarted the wiley elder-sorceress, stripped her of her own magic (and memories) and imprisoned her in the town of Westview. All that happened in 2021, so if I just spoiled anything, it’s on you. You had your chance.

There can be only one

The online community has had a lot to say about this latest MCU content. I’ve yet to see anything overly positive. Some, like Doomcock (Overlord DVD on YouTube), hated it so much that he put it ahead of the Acolyte in his pantheon of despised Disney content. THAT is a bold claim that your Average Dude just cannot concur with. For pure poop-trash, the Acolyte stands alone.

In fairness to Doomcock

Doomcock openly admits that his disgust of Agatha All Along may be tainted by his own personal biases, and I commend his honesty. And in his defense, isn’t that indemic of all reviewers? No defense of this is necessary, oh future ruler of earth.

Also in defense of Doomcock, he didn’t TOTALLY hate it. He openly admits a creepy, lusty fascination with Aubrey Plaza and spent more than a brief moment declaring this to his followers. Ummm…okay. Maybe too much honesty here? Especially from a nom de guerre like Doomcock? Just saying.

But back on point

Even with Doomcock, Nerdrotic and my favorire Critical Drinker all declaring their contempt, boredom or outright disgust of Agatha All Along, your Average Dude must, in all honesty, say that I didn’t hate it. Was it the MOST gay Marvel show ever? Yes, I think it clearly was. They ham-handledly announced William’s preferences right from the start and seemed to be written as cliche as possible. Also, in a later episode, William, played by teen actor Joe Locke, saw a scene where he kissed his boyfriend with…uh,…vigor, let’s say.

As for the women of this show, there was a subtle (and at times, not so subtle) undertone of scissor-hood. On that, I’ll say no more. None of these scenes were critical to the plot and were clearly there to attract (or possibly placate) a particular demograph. And that was really annoying, if I’m being totally honest.

Marvel All Along?

Even after all of that, I still didn’t hate Agatha All Along. It was moderately paced. It didn’t try to do too much. It had character development. Was there more to like than to dislike? Mmmm, that might be too much. Maybe there was just not much to actually hate. Mrs Average Dude and I would queue it up every Wednesday after dinner. I think we are still riding the MCU loyalty, hoping for something good again. And when compared to other Marvel | Television failures of the last few years, Agatha All Along just wasn’t horrible. Not a high bar, for sure. But there it is.

Kathryn Hahn did a serviceable job in the title role, as did her supporting cast. I thought Joe Locke as ‘William’ was pretty wimpy and annoying. I suspect that casual Marvel watchers had no idea of the big finale reveal. Your Average Dude figured it out from the first episode and knew how intrinsic he was to future Marvel productions. That knowledge was all that connected this story to the whole of the MCU.  Other than that, it was a very milquetoast witches tale.

It could be just good timing in that there is precious little worth watching other than the Penguin (a gift from Marvel’s Distinguished Competition). So…I’m giving Agatha All Along a very middle of the witches road 3 out of 5. It did have some nice outro music (Donovan, the Cure, Billy Eilish and the great Jim Croce). At the end of that road, there will be very little impact on the future of the MCU and even less to remember. It was a serviceable time passer.

Maybe I’ll watch Deadpool and Wolverine again.

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Am I Racist? doesn’t really answer that question

I debated whether or not to do a review on Am I Racist? . There is so very little room in my reviews to get on a soapbox and schlep out political views. Maybe someday I’ll do a blog or a podcast for that. But only if there is any audience for the political/ethical musings of a self-proclaimed Average Dude. And only if it can do some good.

I can’t remember a time when we needed a break more than now

But here I am, tapping out my thoughts on Am I Racist?. You can thank an absolutely flacid assembly line of sub-mediocre offerings out of Hollywood. That’s sad, because we the people are in desperate need of something to focus on other than the utter clown show that is our American electoral season.

The Average Dude watched Matt Walsh’s first mocumentary ‘What Is A Woman?’. I wasn’t doing reviews back then. But if I were, I would have given ‘What Is A Woman?’ a coveted 4 out of 5. It was really good. Walsh was excellent at trolling the lunacy of those mental contortions. If that offends you, then I’m sorry. For you. Sincerely. And I’m not going to argue the point with you. In this Average Dude’s opinion, if you feel the need to argue it, then you’re beyond reason. And I have great pity for you.

Now, Matt Walsh and the Daily Wire folks offer us the follow-up, Am I Racist? for our consideration. That Matt has doubled down on making mockumentaries that profit from human brokenness is a normalized tragedy. But this is America, the land of opportunity. I get it. As long as we’re entertained, right?

Am I Racist? Sees Matt Walsh go ‘under cover’ as a Certified DEI Professional, where he puts himself in various different situations where a Certified DEI Professional would find themselves. His absolutely deadpan style is tailor-made to troll those who either can’t see their own detachment from reality or refuse it on purpose. And there are some genuinely hilarious moments in this movie, no question. Probably the greatest one comes in the post credits scene. I laughed hard.

And there’s the rub

Those of us who follow the Daily Wire content are no strangers to Matt Walsh. Whether it’s a cultivated media persona (which I think is true) or indicative of actual personality (which I also think is true), Walsh self-presents as an unwaivering know-it-all. He is ultimately confident in his own opinions. Couple that with success and fame (whether the latter is wanted or not) lends itself to an air of arrogance. And even though I agree with almost all of Matt’s conclusions. presentation counts. The arrogance with which Walsh presents truth is…unseemly. It’s off-putting. Worse, it’s not entertaining. At least for me.

I have questions

Those of us who do listen to Walsh, Knowles and of course Shapiro, are like-minded in that we are very much into questioning presented truths. We want something we can believe in. We want a source of truth. And everyone with an agenda wants us to believe that they are that source. Matt Walsh is no different. As I watched Am I Racist? I found myself questioning it’s authenticity. There was one, super-cringe scene in particular that raises that antenna and I would love if someone could give me some receipts – for or against.

More to the point

Having expressed my healthy skepticism, there were some truths in Am I Racist? that seem obvious (unless you’ve jetisoned logic and common sense). And even presented in his self-righteous (dare I say elitest?) style, they can’t be ignored. In that way, Am I Racist? was successful. It never did, however, answer the premise of its own name. Did it expose those who would tell you that white America is racist by virtue of existing? It did. But exposing that brand of racism does not actually answer the question in ourselves. And Matt’s assertion that, if you don’t THINK you’re racist, you’re not racist…I just don’t get that logic at all.

So, is it worth seeing?

Eh, I’m not going to give it a thumbs up or down. It’s a hard thumb sideways. It feels like it’s just a cash grab, feeding red meat to those who regularly dine on red meat and infuriating those who prefer kale. Compared to Run Fight Hide (loved it) or What is a Woman, Am I Racist? pales. Heck, I even preferred Hyperions and Terror on the Prairie (all Daily Wire original shows).

SO, the Average Dude, while agreeing with the spirit of Am I Racist? exposing the race grifters and emotionlly broken who fall victim to them, I can only give it 2.5 out of 5. And for the record, I had kind of gotten tired of listening to Matt Walsh’s schtick already. Truth presented poorly is often of no help.

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I’m only gonna say this once

As always, I tried my best to keep away from all the pre-release chatter on Joker Folie á Deux – (heretofor to be called Joker 2, because I’m not typing that anymore). It was an impossible goal unless I removed myself to a deserted island and then broke the radio. Stoopid radio…

This is why you NEED the Average Dude 2.0

But since I can’t do that, I unfortunately heard whispers – then shouts – of just how bad Joker 2 was. Some lamented that it was a musical (which was a bold choice, admittedly). Others said that director Todd Phillips was forced to do this film that he didn’t want to make, so he purposefully sabotaged it. Even with the astonishing level of entitlement that Hollywood exhibits daily, I’m not buying that one.
Then, there are others who are saying that Phillips made Joker 2 as a woke message to the masses. In making Arthur Fleck a weak and whiny wimp, it somehow struck a massive blow to toxic masculinity. After watching Joker 2, there’s a certain believability to that theory.

Like wearing a coat into the sauna

Joker 2 was a slow burn, for sure. Not Oppenheimer slow, but it did have you constantly looking forward to the payoff. And there was a payoff, but you ain’t gonna like it.

Joker 2 picks up with Arthur back in Arkham Asylum, just another sad psycho who suffers humiliation after humiliation from the guards, telling jokes for smokes. Outside the walls, the fans of the chaos that his Joker persona represents, are amassing for Fleck’s highly public trial. Slow burn.

Joker is gaga for…well…you know

Love is a strange thing. Unpredictable. Powerful. Able to leap tall buildings…wait, wrong DC property. But you get my point. And apparently in Arkham, where male-female interactions should be strictly and completely verbotten, love is in the air (along with the overpowering scent of industrial strength cleaners). Arthur is given the privilege of joining a co-ed sing-along therapy group where he strikes up a romance with Lee Quinzel…the future Harley Quin. Sure. Mass murderers are often given the chance to engage in group rehabilitation before their high-profile trials. Anyway, you can pretty much predict the rest of the movie from here.

Cut to the chase

Joker 2 contained some really great performances. Joaquin Phoenix, who won Best Actor Oscar in 2020 for the same role, gave another fantastic performance as the broken, pathetic yet morally vacant Arthur Fleck. I wouldn’t expect any nominations this time, though. I thought Lady Gaga did a decent job. Brenden Gleeson always turns in a good performance. I can’t really fault the acting for the mess that is Joker 2.

No, the fault here is absolutely the horrendous story. Clearly, it was the intent of the producers, the writers and the director to make the Joker an easily manipulated pawn of Harley…just a tool for her to wield enroute to her own self-aggrandizement. And that is 100% NOT what the Joker of cannon was. Absent are the driving will, the evil genius and unstopable force of chaos that made him the equal but opposite of the Dark Knight himself. Making Joker this pitiable wet noodle diminishes them both.

And yes, I caught and understood the last few seconds of the movie and how they try to avoid the utter destruction of the core DC universe of which this movie claims to NOT be a part of. It does almost nothing to ease the pain of knowing that, with Joker 2, the joke is most definitely on all of us. The ending could have saved this movie, giving Arthur a redemption moment. Actually, at any point in the last reel, Joker could have claimed that redemption.

But no, we were all denied that dark satisfaction. As a movie lover, Phillips has lost me. The crime is unforgiveable. I’m giving Joker 2 a pathetic 2.2 and I will do my best to forget the whole thing.

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Megalopolis is less than the sum of its parts

When, oh when, will I ever learn that a star-studded cast doth not maketh a good movie? That’s rhetorical. The answer is probably never. When it comes to movies, I’m an optimist. Clearly, to the exclusion evidence. But I’ll tell you why that is a good thing. A good thing for you. And to a point, a good thing for me. Unfortunately, it’s not a good thing for Mrs Average Dude. Sorry, babe.

Megalopolis stars a parade of names you know and remember fondly. Adam Driver. Giancarlo Esposito. Nathalie Emmanual. Shia LaBouf. John Voight. AubreyPlazaJasonSchwartzmanLawrenceFishburneTaliaShire. And a small part for the man I consider our greatest living actor, Dustin Hoffman*. That’s a quality list, right there.

Megalopolis is EXACTLY why you need The Average Dude

With all that high dollar star power, this movie must be amazing, you say? The Average Dude would agree with that sentiment. Oh, how wrong we were. How very, very wrong. And that is why I should be your first stop prior to hitting the nearest moviehaus, megaplex or home town theater. Because I’m just like you (more or less) and I’m willing to take the hit for you. I’m ever-ready to step in front of the cinematic bullet meant for all of you. No thanks necessary. I’m built for this.

Why couldn’t it be more like Streets of Fire?

Megalopolis markets itself as ‘a fable’. Those two words, six little letters, are the first hint that this isn’t going to be your run of the mill furturistic story. It’s a portent or an omen of what is to come. Brace yourself, those words say. Anything is possible. That was no lie. The optimist in me recalled a ‘Rock n Roll fable’ from back in the 80s (starring a young and fabulous Willem Dafoe). I dared to hope this was a portent of good. Denied.

Our story begins in the land of New Rome, a retrofuturistic** facimile of NYC, that plays as if the fall of ancient Rome never happened. The class system is alive and well in New Rome. You have the ruling class, bent on amassing and keeping power at all costs. You have the elitists, whose whole life is centered around the shallow, vapid pursuit of self…their god is their own belly. There is the common class, living life beneath the elites. Always aspiring to rise as one of them but knowing that will never be.

And then, you have the dreamers. The idealists. The ones who see all the worlds but walk above them. This is the dream of Megalopolis.

Megalopolis has lofty ambitions, I’ll give it that

What follows is 2 hrs 17minutes of unrealistic, often empty dialogue that might have been written by a well-read 8th grader in their first attempt at writing a story. Verbal exchanges that do sound like lines from a children’s book that was written for adults. That sounds weird but nonetheless…

Megalopolis is filled to overflowing with symbolism. It might have been Francis Ford Coppola’s intent. With a resume like his, I tend to think it was. And FFC has been working on this, what I presume is meant to be his magnum opus, for decades. Millions of his own money was invested in this. Clearly, it was important to him.

Oh, and with a dash of wokism. Maybe more than a dash, actually.

There are parallels that are easy to make, like the self-distructive excesses of ancient Rome and today’s elites. Also the power-mongers hellbent on keeping power to the detriment of those they govern, a truism as old as civilization. Coppola puts a sureal face on the obvious. At times, the sureality was entertaining. At other times, shallow and condescending, as if he were elite-splaining these things to the ignorant masses. Maybe that’s just me.

But there were many, many sureal moments that even an overthinker like me can’t brainbone. And they smack of ‘inside joke’. There are a few movies I can remember that just feel like they were made for Hollywood itself. The Grand Budapest Hotel is one. La La Land is another. These all feel like vanity pieces. On one hand, guys like Coppola have kinda earned the right to make a vanity piece, if they want. Then again, it feels dishonest to schlep it out to us and hide it’s true nature. It kind of makes me feel used. Again, it might just be me.

History Repeating itself…in CGI and HD

What good can I say about Megalopolis? Visually, it was excellent. The adaptation of ancient Roman style with 21st century technology is an original and fascinating twist on a still fresh retrofuturistic trend. I loved it and I would totally expect an Oscar consideration for it. Totally deserved. If Megalopolis were to get nominated for or, Olympus forbid, win a more high-profile Oscar, it will further solidify that Hollywood politics decided it should be so. But for sets and costumes? I’m there for it.

So, on the basis of that and that alone, I am giving Megalopolis an anorexic 1.6/5. As for the rest of this movie, it’s nearly unwatchable. At times, it feels like Coppola’s cautionary tale. At times, an unappologetic admittal of their imagined superiority.

And I will freely grant to you that some of the more ‘upper crust’ moviegoers might disagree with me. I’m fine with that. I don’t pretend to be one of those folks that has the time or desire to hyper-analyze every movie and give it a gladiatorial thumbs up or down. I’m like you…an Average Dude. We don’t have time or inclination for that level of pretention. I’ll just give you an average dude’s opinion. Sorry, not sorry.

Oh, and a great big Thank You/Love You to Mrs Average Dude for always accompanying me. She’s the best!

*Tootsie. Rainman. Hook. Fight me.

**Remember that word? I first brought it up in my Fallout review. Now you CAN use it in casual conversation! Do it! It’s fun!

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The Killer’s Game didn’t try to be more than it was

Sometimes, in my heartfelt desire to serve the movie-going masses, I go to see a movie that I’m not expecting much from. Part of that is because I’m trying to build a trust between you and me. Part of it is because I just love going to the movies. And since I am an Average DUDE, my inclination is to go see DUDE movies. This week, there were three new releases: a horror movie, a mock-umentory movie and an action movie. I’ll see a horror movie on occasion (if the premise looks original) and I’ll get around to watching the mock-umentary (I’ve been hearing good buzz).

But this week, The Killer’s Game seemed like the best of ‘meh’ choices. And it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

The Killer’s Game stars Dave Bautista as top-shelf hitman Joe Flood. Joe lives a low-key, modest life when not deleting bad people from this earlhly existence. He plays by ‘the rules of the game’…kill no innocents, follow the direction of your dispatcher (played by the legendary Ben Kingsley) and do not enlist the services of mercenaries. Who makes these rules? No clue, but since this is a John Wick heirarchy clone, we’ll allow it.

You’d think they would have a better health plan

While on a standard ‘assignment’, Joe’s eye falls upon modern dance star Maize (Sofia Boutella). During the chaos caused by a high-profile assasination, Joe breaks from his usual meticulous work ethic to carry an mildly injured Maize from the heart of danger and into the arms of first responders, pocketing her cell phone in the process. Joe uses the phone as an excuse to reach out to Maize. An uncomfortable romance ensues.

To add to the confusion, Joe periodically experiences sharp spikes of brain pain that all but cripple him. After experiencing one of these during an op, Joe seeks out his organizational medical professional. After being examined, Joe is diagnosed with a rare disorder and is given a dire diagnosis. Believing he has only weeks to live, Joe decides to leave this world on his own terms and puts a hit out on himself.

Do they also have free legal assistance?

But hold the phone! There was a mix-up at the lab and Joe is going to live! Now, Joe must try to extricate himself from a mess of his own creation while also trying to win back the woman he loves. Kookiness and Wick-level violence ensues. Never mind that the doc suffers no consequences for his disasterous eff-up. One would think that, in that arena, the consequences for a misdiagnosis would be a lot more severe. But moving on…

Kind of like the league of Joe’s deadly exes

The Killer’s Game does a couple of things that make it better than it has a right to be. Firstly, the writers and director don’t try to get Bautista to do more than he’s capable of. Call me crazy, but I don’t think Drax is going to be in any Oscar considerations. I’ll gladly and humbly eat my own words if it comes to that. Bautista is a big, beefy action star. That’s what he does. Bautista falls smack dab in the Ahnold, Sly Stalone, Rock bucket. From every role I’ve seen him in, he’s not all that emotive. It’s fine. Dave staying in his lane is just fine.

Secondly, and most enjoyably, is the quirky foes of Flood. Each one has their own motif de murder that is mildly fun and a nice departure from the John Wick style of dispatching enemies. It’s remniscent of Scott Pilgrim vs the World, an delightfully original movie now considered a cult classic which The Average Dude recommends.

If not for the quirky portrayals, The Killer’s Game story is nothing at all original. Like with every Batman movie, the entertainment value is with the villains. And that’s what makes this movie a bit above your average B movie hitman show. Sure, Ben Kingsley is superb, even in a very limited role. But Joe and Maize are about as bland and cardboard as they can be.

It’s a credit to director JJ Perry. Perry has only three directing credits to his name, none of which are noteable. Maybe if he were given a project with more oompf he could have attracted bigger talent. But for his third effort, I can see how Bautista might have been the biggest name he could get. And kudos for doing the most with the little he was given. It’s a promising start.

So, The Average Dude is pleased to give The Killer’s Game a somewhat modest 3 out of 5, mostly for surprising me with some mildly entertaining villains for Joe to dispatch. This is not a movie I’ll every stop and watch a few minutes of if I see it scrolling through my streaming channels. Watch this one after you’ve gotten through all your top shelf shows (like Shogun). For me, it’s already been memory-holed. Sorry Joe and your league of deadly assassins. That’s the best I can do for you.

And by the way, I much prefer my Bautista bald, thank you.

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Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is barely so-so

When the first Beetlejuice hit the big screen, I was the proud father of two amazing toddlers. Those two are now fully grown and living their lives. It was and remains an all-time classic and a must-watch that spawned an animated series that ran for 4 seasons. There have been a metric sh!te-ton of sequels made in that timespan that absolutely did not need to be made. When we heard that this beloved classic was finally getting a chaser, we were all on-board. Tragically, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is not the sequel we’ve been waiting 36 years for. Not by a long shot.

WTF WTF??

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice picks up with the next generation of the Deetz family. Astrid Deetz – played by Jenna Ortega – tries to live down the embarassment of her celebrity mother. Winona Ryder is back as Lydia Deetz, who is now the host of her own show on the paranormal. Catherine O’Hara returns as Delia Deetz an unapologetic narcisist constantly striving to be on the cutting edge of art and fashion. This is clearly a role she was born to play and no one does it better. Delia Deetz. Moira Rose. Cookie Fleck. Always entertaining. And of course, Michael Keaton returns as the title character title character. And that’s where the disappointment hits hardest.

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice had multiple storylines with tons of star power, each with their own story thread. If those threads had intertwined to make a stronger story, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice would have been fantastic. That didn’t happen.

Star Powerless

One of the first cameos in Beetlejuice Beetlejuice was by REDACTED REDACTED, a no-brainer slam-dunk for a movie like this. His appearance was brief but enjoyable.

There were other stars, however, that had more than cameo status but arguably less impactful than REDACTED REDACTED. One of this movie’s biggest disappointments were their under use. Burn Gorman, a favorite B list actor, had less screen time than a CGI shrunken head zombie named Bob who had no lines. (Obviously).

Monica Bellucci played a very fetching undead creature. Her storyline could have been a movie in itself. It was instead, crammed into Beetlejuice Beetlejuice like a 300 lb cadaver into a shoebox casket for your hamster.

Willam Defoe, say it isn’t so

And don’t even get me started on the usually fantastic Willem Dafoe. He played his role with the utmost camp that this movie demanded. But his entire contribution could have been slashed to the cutting room floor. And for Dafoe’s legacy’s sake, probably should have. How could he willingly go from this

to this?

Seriously, Willem. If you need a loan, give me a buzz. We’ll figure something out.

Maybe he’s working on The Flash 2 at the same time

But most horrifically was the criminal under-exposure of the man himself. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that, when going to a movie named Beetlejuice Beetlejuice that you actually get to see the star on the marque do his post-mortem thing. What we got from Keaton’s ghoulish performance was little snippets here and there. I felt like he was just popping in from a neighboring sound stage to do his bits in between takes from another movie.

By my count, there were six (6) distinct storylines in Beetlejuice Beetlejuice. None of them really got resolved properly. And I’m not counting semi-arcs like Justin Theroux (very adequately douchie performance). Every main character had a separate journey. Which is fine, as long as they tie together. They didn’t. And for a seasoned pro like Tim Burton, that might be the biggest disappointment of all.

But it wasn’t all bad, was it?

Certainly not. There were some really nice moments of nostalgia that reminded us why we loved the first Beetlejuice. There was a spooky musical number remniscent of the the Banana Boat scene. Jenna Ortega was on point and her casting as the angsty daughter of Lydia Deetz was spot-on. The underworld scenes were as you remember them and it was nice to return to the dusty, oozey mild gross-out that Burton pulls off so well.

So, it is with more than a trickle of disappointment, I’m giving Beetlejuice Beetlejuice a room temperature 2.8 out of 5. I don’t expect a third helping of this franchise and Tim Burton himself said that doing another one in thirty-five years would put him at over 100. Fitting for the spirit of the movie but the math doesn’t really work out. Probably for the best.

Seven. I just remembered another barely used sub-plot. Sigh.

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Reagan is a bio-pick we want to believe

If I haven’t stated clearly before, the Average Dude tries really, really hard to separate politics from entertainment. Politics have always been about as divisive as any topic we could discuss (with the possible exception of religion). I’m more than happy to discuss my political beliefs (just ask Mrs Average Dude, the poor girl) but not on this platform. This column is to have some fun and hopefully give you a bit of heads up on the latest offerings out of Hollywood. Because I love the medium and I love people. But sometimes it’s just unavoidable.

Reagan is cause for exception of the rule

It is commonly believed that the Reagan years were among the greatest of our lives for We The People. You can argue it was the music. You can argue it was a general acceptance of self-absorbed ‘me’ mentality. You can argue is was a return to financial prosperity from the crushing inflation of the previous administration. But it’s impossible to argue the absolute, intrinsic truth that Ronald ‘Dutch’ Reagan restored a sense of pride in America. He was strong. He was bold. He was genuine. And, as this bio-pic at least hints at, he was human.

A Leap of Faith

As with last year’s big bio-pic and winner of multiple Oscars Oppenheimer, Reagan tries to tell a little bit of the behind the scenes story of the subject matter. While Oppenheimer was tense and at time unseemly in it’s portrayals, Reagan is, for the most part, very wholesome. Where the former liked to concentrate on the human failings of the historical figures, Reagan presented a movie start cum politician that wanted nothing more than to help this country prevail against her foreign adversaries.

The Machine Strikes Back

Dennis Quaid did an amazing job portraying the vocal style and mannerisms Ronald Reagan and doesn’t get nearly enough credit from the Hollywood machine as he should. But that does not mean the machine has been silent. Oh, heavens, no. Critics nearly universally trash this movie as a blatantly conservative puff-piece. Contrary to those soul-less shills is the audience consensus. See what’s going on here? Kind of curious why the ‘critics’ haven’t started selectively editing the Audience scores to align with theirs. Am I being too mistrusting?

Maybe, maybe not.

In fairness, Reagan was quite kind to his memory. This begs the question ‘Was it honest?’ Taking politics out of the equation, I remind myself that the absence of salatious and unflattering scenes does not automatically make it dishonest. As a matter of fact, all actual statements from his contemporaries and my own memories of the Reagan years considered, I think it was closer to the truth. And if I’m being REALLY honest, I’m hoping it is.

Cynicism be damned

It is almost an intellectual must to look at government right now and suspect that, behind every politician, is a scandal that they could not survive if it were revealed. The bigger the name, the greater the suspicion. Reagan might just be the last, best politician we will ever have. With all his flaws, he meant to do what was right for this country. Even in his Iran-Contra scandal, his honest and contrite admission was best for us. And as this movie rightly points out, Americans are quick to forgive those that ask for it.

Like Santa. Or Travis and Taylor.

In the end, I think that most of us truly want to believe that Reagan was every bit the Crusader he was reported to be. It’s insanely hard to find someone to trust from that crazy world. A president who would lead through strength, make economic decisions that benefited everyone and restore America’s standing on the world stage. We want to believe Reagan was all of that because we want SO MUCH to believe we can have someone like that again.

Also in fairness

It is impossible to not see some of the parallels between Reagan and the current conservative presidential candidate. Both lead through strength. Both are not afraid to take a stand on the world stage or in front of our enemies. Heck, both took a bullet. But let’s not get crazy here. The current guy is NO Ronald Wilson ‘Dutch’ Reagan. I think all of that is totally fair to say. If you disagree or want to rail at me for saying it, fine. It’s a free country. All I ask is that you bring receipts. Otherwise, you’re just blowing air out of your facehole.

So, because you all know me to be an optimist of the highest order, I am going to go right ahead and believe that Reagan was pretty close to the truth (if a little one-sided). It’s fine. It’s not bad to think well of a man who did great things when this country needed someone to do great things for us. It’s not naive to hope that someday we’ll have another one. I’m giving Reagan a 4.2 out of 5. Politics be damned.

On further review of current circumstances, it may be a bit naive. I hope not, though.

BONUS***
My eldest daughter with the great Dennis Quaid and the Sharks in Anchorage. Very VERY cool, Snick!

***WARNING***
I just saw the movie poster for Captain America: Brave New World. Awesome poster. But the release date fills me with dispair. This is not a good sign…

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It Ends With Us is a Hallmark movie if made by David Lynch

I know what you’re thinking…why is the Average Dude (emphasis on the DUDE) going to see a very non-dude flick like It Ends With Us? Is there a personal reason that our Dude chose to review this movie? Well, yes and no. Mrs. Average Dude had no real desire to see the big release this week – Alien: Romulus. And she has been out of town on business lo this last week. She might have preferred to stay home and put her feet up instead of watch me watch a movie and shove corn into my facehole.

So, because she’s my queen and I missed her, I took her to see the movie she wanted to see. There’s your personal reason.

I’d rather re-watch the LOTR trilogy

And you’d be correct in noting that It Ends With Us is not a movie I would typically watch, either in a theater or even for free sitting in my mancave. There are roughly twenty movies on my ‘need to watch’ list that I just don’t have time to get to. And if I ever got through all of those and the ‘B’ list shows I missed, there’s still the annual watch list.

All of those I would watch before It Ends With Us. This is not a knock on Blake Lively or Hallmark movies or movies that tell sensitive stories. I’m just looking for something transportive to my escapism. I’m not looking to be transported into someone else’s misery, a misery that could be happening next door.

Now, if my neighbor were Blake Lively and she was judo chopping aliens or evil spies, I’m down for that. Just like every average dude, I think.

Having said all that, I didn’t hate It Ends With Us. That’s about the best I can say. It was leaps and bounds more watchable than Borderlands, even though it was roughly the same level of unbelievable. And, as always, I’m bringing the receipts.

Different fantasies for different folks, I guess

It Ends With Us is the Lifetime channel-esque story of Lily Blossum Bloom, a young woman leaving her upscale suburban home to make her way in the big city of Boston. She is branching out, her dreams are germinating. Armed with determination, a plucky attitude and confidence in her amazing floral designs, Lily begins her new life and escapes the hidden tragedies of her past.

Four minutes longer than her husband’s movie next door

For the next 2 hrs and 11 minutes, the story of Lily Bloom unfolds before us. Like an onion, the layers of an idylic life are slowly peeled away to reveal the raw, tortured heart that carries a secret burden. And just like an onion, It Ends WIth Us might make more tender souls weep. Not the Average Dude, of course.

It’s a choice

And its not that I’m heartless. Not at all. Hell, I can’t even think about Marley and Me or Homeward Bound without a touch of the misties. I’m not a robot. It’s just that I look at It Ends With Us and I see a story that has so very little to do with reality. Its a fantasy life made for those of us that prefer other escapes than the dreams of capes, aliens or robots.

No traffic, either

Lily Bloom seems to live in a corner of Boston that has no garbage, poverty or homeless. And no street crime. No gangs. No thugs. Just like a Hallmark movie. A nice fantasy. Not reality. I can’t tell you the last time I saw a stylishly dressed young lady walking down the street alone carrying a paper bag of groceries with a loaf of french bread sticking out the top. Mostly, it’s five plastic bags looped on one hand, the weight dragging their shoulder nearly to the ground. That’s reality.

Well…ALMOST none…

I find myself wondering if those who enjoyed It Ends With Us daydream about living in that world…as if it really existed. I can tell you that I spend no time wondering what my life would be like if I could lift Mjolnir.*

But that’s fine. To each their own. I can appreciate It Ends With Us for delivering to it’s target audience pretty much what they came for. Was it uplifting? Not particularly. Was it hopeful? I suppose. Was it an epic battle of good vs evil? No. Was it an epic battle for survival? A little. In the end, the Average Dude can recognize it for what it is…a big screen Hallmark movie if made by David Lynch. And if that’s your thing, you will like it. So for you, I’m giving It Ends With Us a 3.5 out of 5. If it’s not your thing, I’m giving it a 2. Best I can do.

*I do ponder occassionally, if I would be worthy.

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Borderlands is borderline

Sigh…

I know this is August, where bad movies go to find hope. Or die. Likewise with February. Those are the two movie Dead Zones. Notable exceptions to that truism are Guardians of the Galaxy (August release) and Deadpool (February surprise). But for every gem, there are dozens of ‘The Meg’. It’s a devilish thing that Hollywood has done. We remember those shining exceptions and we hope beyond reason to find another. And given the insane amount of talent in Borderlands, there was certainly reason for that hope.

Alas…

Everyone knows not to speak to me of new releases, good or bad, until after I’ve seen them. My opining must ever be pristine. Even so, I heard ill whispers about Borderlands. I rejected them. Blanchet. Hart. Curtis. Black. Pretty solid names. Add relative newcomer Ariana Greenblatt – who was the high point to this sloppy mess of a movie. It wasn’t enough.

You actually have to have some semblance of a story. And though I’ve never seen any other movie that Eli Roth directed (Hostel, Thanksgiving), I can only imagine that he took the subject matter – a video game – and literally added the most bare-bones, no frills, economy class story his cat could poop out. And just like that catpoop, Borderland stinks.

BOREderland…

I think that Borderlands is Roth’s first attempt at a sci-fi action pic. And it shows. Here’s a little free advice to Roth and any up and coming sci-fi director. We’ve seen all the special effects.All of them. There’s nothing new under the sun. So, making a movie that is long on CGI and woefully short on actual story is not going to satisfy anyone. Borderlands plays like the story was written by a 6th grader. And not an honor roll 6th grader, either. I actually nodded off for a few minutes. Not kidding.

Every character was as one dimensional as it’s videogame namesake. Greenblatt did a decent job of making Tiny Tina her own. Blanchet was the consumate pro and did all she could with a script as basic as this. Kevin Hart might as well have been replaced with Scoutmaster Kevin. Everything you love about KH was missing here. And Jaimie Lee Curtis’ part…it just made me sad.

Claptrap…

Jack Black’s contribution to Borderlands was pretty much what you expect from him. Goofy and high octane. Claptrap by name, claptrap by nature. His heavily adlib dialog might have been one of the best parts of the script. That’s not a compliment.

Hindsight…

I wish that i had possessed the foresight to look at the director and his IMDB. Nothing even remotely inspiring there. I remember seeing the trailers for Thanksgiving and saying to Mrs Average Dude ‘They’ve really run out of slasher flick ideas, haven’t they? Is this what we’ve come to?’
And they’re making a Thanksgiving 2. <stunned silence>

ya basic…

It looked to me that Eli Roth was hoping to build a kind of Guardians of the Galaxy vibe for Borderlands. Clearly, Roth is no James Gunn. Even with a stellar cast, this movie can’t hold a harbulary battery to our favorite dysfunctional band of misfits.

The word basic comes most redily to mind when sumarizing Borderlands. Is it worthless? No. It has moments. Few of them and most of them from Greenblatt, but still. And caveat: I’ve never played the game. That should not be a pre-req for watching a movie about a video game. I’ve also never played FALLOUT, and we all know how I felt about that series. I’m giving Borderlands a basic score of 1.8 out of 5. Please don’t make a Borderlands 2.

Rake-slap…

It is my lot in life, I suppose, to be simultaneously blessed and cursed with the pie-eyed optimism that enables me to walk face-first into a movie like Borderlands, get a rake-slap to that same face, and then forget about the broken nose and do it again. And again. et al. My foolishness is your gain. I’m always willing to take the rake-slap for you. If it ever gets to be too much, I’ll wind up becoming one of those History Channel olden dudes. I’m not that dude yet, so…rake-slap. May I never be.