Author: todd.wade

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom was in trouble from the start

Okay, cut me a bit of slack here, but since I have been a sentient, reasonably coherent human being during the last couple of years, I was not oblivious to the clown show surrounding the DCEU debacle nor the Amber Heard trial. The fallout for both affected Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom release expectations. Do those events affect my enjoyment of and subsequent review for this movie? Yes, sure. Of course they do. It sometimes takes a supreme act of will to watch movies and jetison all of the Twitter-talk and YouTube Rah-Rah/Nah-Nah and grade it on its own merits (if such exist).

Even so, I’ll go as far as to say that Aquaman the First colored my expectations more than anything. And to be blunt, I am stunned to hear that it made over a billion dollars (world-wide). I guess a billion bucks doesn’t go as far as it used to.

To put a fine point on it…

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom is the second – and last – offering in the Aquaman saga. It’s also the last offering from the DCEU as it has been known since Man of Steel first appeared before our wide, innocent eyes. We were all hoping for, even expecting, a battle of awesomeness between the DCEU and the MCU. That battle never materialized. Not at all. I won’t go through all the reasons why the DCEU failed spectacularly. Enough to say that, with the possible exceptions of the first Wonder Woman and Peacemaker, the DCEU was pretty much a soggy shite-show.

I feel you, Ronan

In its defense, I’ll say that Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom was in the top half of the stuff that the DCEU has shlepped out. That ain’t saying much, friends. I can honestly remember very little of what the first Aquaman was even about. After a second dip in the pool, I’m pretty confident that the result will be the same.

Why should that be, I ask myself? Is it superhero fatigue? I’m not really buying that. I mean, we never really get space sci-fi fatigue, do we? We live in a world where Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, Stargate, Transformers, going on and on and on…all keep us watching happily. Why shouldn’t capes and cowls? No, in my opinion, it all comes down to story and delivery. Aquaman kept us semi-engaged on the strength of Jason Momoa’s charisma. The dude is charming in a special way. He’s at his best when he’s showing his wild-card personality (which seems completely authentic). Delivery.

As always, I carry reciepts for my opinions. Take a gander at my review for Fast X. Momoa breathed life into a franchise that had long since totalled itself. Now, I am actively looking forward to Fast X part 2. Momoa deserves a standing O and all the credit for that. And whatever redeeming qualities Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom possesses, they can all be attributed to his charismatic delivery.

Of the story itself, my best guess is that its just really, really hard for us land-walkers to find common, eh, ground with sea-dwellers. We get a little bit invested in Arthur Curry’s family-building. But with the scaling back of Amber Heard’s scenes, plus the almost an afterthought of Nicole Kidman, even that was pretty watered-down (c’mon…you knew I’d use that one at some point). I was just completely NOT invested in saving an undersea race that I knew nothing about. I don’t recall seeing any scene where even one single Atlantean showed emotion of any sort…horror, sorrow, fear, anger. It’s like the whole movie was botoxed by action into an emotionless mask.

Ah, action. Yes, this movie was filled to the brim with it. CGI action, to be precise. That has a place in movies, no doubt. Especially super-type movies. But clearly another turn-off for Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom was the overuse of it. And I mean OVERuse. A Wile E Coyote level inteligent squid. Every manner of sea creature, to be exact. Even the land scenes were dripping with it. It just becomes lazy at a certain point.

Receipts: it would have been much cooler to see Aquaman flex and strain to topple a giant statue to create a bridge, rather than watching him leap into it and it just falls over perfectly, physics be damned. And that scene was used in the trailer. Ugh. And don’t even get me started on how everyone speaks normally…at the bottom of the sea. Just…don’t. We saw it done better here…

So, it is with no remorse that we bid a final bon voyage to the DCEU and no real surprise that I give Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom a less than resounding 2.2/5 starfishies. And all of that on the weight of Momoa’s personality in the few scenes where it was allowed to shine. I have great hopes for what James Gunn has in store and I hope to see Henry Cavill in tights somewhere in either universe.

Oh, and because I am a 14 year old boy at heart…I give you Amber’s grumpy. Sorry about that.

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Wonka: timing is everything

Ahhh, Christmas! There’s nothing like it, from Hollywood’s perspective. The season of giving. All the studios keep a magic bullet in the pipe to fire at the free-flowing cash spenders who are in the holiday spirit. I try not to fall victim to the obvious seasonal pandering flicks (like, say ‘Wish’). But even I could not avoid the hopeful anticipation of ‘Wonka’.

Wonka is a prequel to the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971), which is an unquestioned timeless classic at the level of Wizard of Oz, The Sound of Music and The Godfather. Creating a companion piece to it was a monumental undertaking and getting us to sign on was a big ask. Even the most optimistic moviegoer (as I am) couldn’t help but go in with more than a spoonful of skepticism. But Average Dudes & Dudies, I am here to tell you that those fears are for naught. Wonka is amazing.

Credit where credit is due

I’ll admit, going into Wonka, I was neither hot nor cold on Timothée Chalamet (who magnificently plays title character). I have tried – twice – to watch Dune. That movie will require a distraction-free viewing. I’ll need to be intentional about it at some point. And some of his other movie choices are, shall we say, not my cup of tea? Let’s say that.

Some really heavy stuff in his IMDB credits. Seriously, I don’t need to see Bones and All. A movie about modern-day American cannibalism is a bridge too far for the Average Dude. Fan or not, I admit that it takes a special talent to pull off movies like Call Me By Your Name and Beautiful Boy. So, kudos to you, Timothée.

Wonka starts out with Willy’s arrival in America from his adventures abroad, where he has amassed all the greatest chocolatier science, skills and mystical secrets that the world’s imagination had to offer. Armed with this, a dozen silver florins and his indomitable optimism, Wonka sets about making his dreams come true. For a dude that a) is more than willing to look at the bright side of things, b) visits the world of imagination on the daily (probably more than I should, tbh), and c) has never let go of his own childhood dream (not tellin’), Wonka immediately stuck to me like Milk Duds on your teeth.

And just like my favorite movie confectionery, Wonka is a sweet reminder that lingers in my head.

Wonka has that ‘OOOMPF’ that you are looking for

There are callbacks aplenty to the original masterpiece staring Gene Wilder, and none of them are gratuitous. Examples: the first appearance of the Oompa Loompa (played by the always awesome Hugh Grant), the chocolate river, many of his Wonka-isms and personality quirks. Each one is a deeper dive into the magical elements of the original that we took for GRANTed (see what I did there?). Those memberberries are delightful and excellently entrance and enhance the experience. And make no mistake…Wonka is an experience.

There’s no call for that kind of language, Suh…

Wonka incorporates musical numbers into the story that, also like the original, add to the whimsical essence of the film. Mostly new additions, it does bring back a couple of the classic tunes and even adds some new lyrics. I won’t spoil any of those for you, but I imagine you can figure out what songs I’m referring to.

If there is one tiny hit I can make on this movie, it would be that the choreography was a bit too much like the limited dance sequences in the original. We have become accustomed to some spectacular numbers (I am jonesing to see ‘Good Afternoon’ from ‘Spirited’ right now…). Going a little bit further in that direction would have been wonderful.

My 2 shillings worth

So, Mrs Average Dude goes with me to nearly all my movies. She likes them (generally), but they don’t get into her like they do for me. Most of the time, when asked if she liked a show, the answer is ‘It was okay’ or ‘meh’ or ‘I liked it’. In Wonka, we were about halfway through and she leaned into me and said ‘I. Love. This. Movie.’. Unsolicited endorsement. Mid-show. I need say nothing more but I will.

Sitting next to me, two seats down, was a pudgy child of roughly 8 or 9. He was dressed in his pjs (which I just now realized were candy cane striped just like a certain chocolate slurping boy in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). He spoke in pretty much normal voice throughout the movie and was not seriously shushed by his parents. It was a distraction, of course. But the parallel to all the children of excess in that movie not only didn’t detract from Wonka…it somehow (magically?) enhanced it. It’s hard to explain but I do my best.

In Defense of Depp

In the Average Dude’s opinion: Johnny Depp’s turn as WW was, while separate from the other two, fantastic in its own right. You know what you are getting into when you go to a Tim Burton/Johnny Depp movie. And they do not disappoint. Was it magical? No, not really. But bizarre and entertaining? Without question. They’re just two different kinds of chocolate. One is most definitely darker than the other, but still quite tasty.

The Average Dude is enthusiastically, fervently, dynamically, whole-heartedly giving Wonka a 4.75 out of 5 golden tickets. See it this Christmas season in a theater if you can. Bring your chocolate, too. You’ll be craving it by movie’s end if you don’t.

Oh, and you might enjoy knowing that Average Dude went as ol’ WW a few Halloweens ago. Won first prize, too. Trust your Average Dude.

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Godzilla Minus One: New and Improved

As previously hinted, Average Dude invited Average Dude Bestie (ADB) to go see Godzilla Minus One. Stars aligned, the temperature in the netherealm dropped below 32 degrees, we grabbed some long overdue beers and then hit the moviehaus. He promised to withhold his opinion on this show until after I released my review. I’ll report back on whether or not we remain besties.

I typically avoid other commentary on the movies I intend to review for you all. And while I didn’t read or listen to anyone on Godzilla Minus One I wasn’t able to totally avoid catching a whiff of the prevailing sentiment. In fact, ADB mentioned how excited he was to get to see it and the reviews he’d seen were glowing. I stopped him right there and refused to hear another word so as to avoid a possible let down. Try as I might I was unable to totally shield my psyche from the pre-show love-fest that seems to have gripped everyone. To wit:

Doomcock (giggety) called it Awesome! One of the Best Godzilla movies [he’s] ever seen!

The Angry Review: the best film of 2023.

CinPals: Godzilla Minus One is Perfect (almost). The best film of 2023

Film Threat: Best Godzilla ever?

Like I said…a love-fest. The Average Dude, however, has a slightly different view.

See, this is why you need me

The Average Dude is not making a cent off of these reviews. I do it because I love movies. End of sentence, paragraph and story. If that ever changes and I do manage to make a dime from this labor of love, I will be the first to tell you. But my hand to God, I will never EVER alter the opinions I give you for money and I will never hype a movie that doesn’t deserve it just because everyone else does. You will get the straight shite from the AD. I’m not saying any of those guys are doing that. I’m just saying I don’t see it.

I missed hearing someone say…Gojeera

So let’s let the atomic lizard out of the bag right away. I liked Godzilla Minus One well enough. It set itself apart from other Godzilla movies because it included some actual emotional character development other than the inch-deep portrayal of mass terror. Godzilla Minus One showed us characterization on a very personal level.

Now, I get it…if you saw a 350 ft giant armored lizard with atomic halitosis, all other emotions at play within you evaporate and terror reigns supreme. Not much else in the emoting department is needed. Maybe steely determination. Godzilla Minus One gave us a wide range of emotions that barely had anything to do with the title monster. So yes, it was a different movie in that respect. Is that enough to heap all that praise? For me, the answer is nope.

It’s about Godzilla. Says so right in the title

Ask yourself this: what are you looking for out of a movie called Godzilla Minus One? If you answered exceptional character development then I’m sorry to tell you this…you aren’t hooked up right. Plus, if you want a monster movie with character depth, may I offer you the platinum standard…

And if you want a monster movie that instills actual terror, may I also offer you the platinum standard…

But a Godzilla movie – any Godzilla movie – you expect carnage. Massive ‘splosions. Missiles airborne. Buildings plowed asunder. More carnage. Any actual human character development is fine as a bonus. But as the primary applauded feature of the movie? Negative, Ghost Rider. The pattern is full. Like Pacific Rim (which I loved). It had just enough character dev to get us invested in their survival, without sacrificing exactly what you came to the theater to see.

Godzilla Minus One was not without a healthy dose of that good ol’ fashion mayhem like mama’s Gojeera use to make. I discovered today that they did use a dude in a rubber suit for most of it, and if true, that was an amazing feat, they truly upped their game. If not true, then the CGI was only so-so. Except for the atomic breath. That special effect was…well, special. Best I’ve seen.

But where was the Temporal Loom?

I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the mad scientist of this movie. Dr Noda (wasn’t he a bond villain?) was fun, and looked like the love child of OB and Victor Timely (and if you saw Season 2 of Loki, you know that is entirely possible. Maybe even inevitable).

We’re gonna need a bigger boat

Some other things that detract from the movie: Godzilla apparently has a regeneration power that looks like your standard Marvel movie nanotech mask on/mask off effect. Also, the physics of water displacement around a giant swimming lizard rising out of the ocean should have created some mighty waves that would affect boats large and small.

It was the Ricky Bobby effect

Finally, Godzilla walking on land was fine, except for the fact that his hands were constantly at a 45 degree angle, doing nothing. Not that they were big enough to do much of anything, but at least CGI would have had them doing something. Maybe he just didn’t know what to do with them. Whatevs. I’m giving Godzilla Minus One a 3.2/5. Not bad by any means. But in this Average Dude’s opinion, not nearly worth the atomic praise given by lots of names in the movie review community. Who’s right? That’s for you to decide. But I’ll tell you this much…Rotten Tomatoes is giving it a 96%. I lost all trust in those guys long ago.

Oh and not for nothing, but I could NOT find a clear answer as to what the ‘Minus One’ meant. If anyone knows, hit me with that knowledge. Thanks!

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The Shift is not just a good movie

As promised, this week’s twofer includes The Shift, the latest offering from Angel Studios. Those are the same folks that brought us Sound of Freedom. Check my previous reviews. I loved that movie.

I think, therefore I are

I think I’ve mentioned before that the Average Dude is a classic over-thinker. In my personal circles, it’s a well-known fact. Mrs Average Dude constantly rolls her eyes when I hear song lyrics that don’t make sense and try to figure out what they were saying and becomes a conversation I’m basically having with myself…it’s a whole thing.

Likewise, when I see a movie, it’s not just two hours of escapism. I am hyper aware of plot holes and inconsistencies, but also more than willing to forgive them in pursuit of finding quality entertainment. It’s a dichotomy that defies understanding. So, in that way I guess I’m not your average dude. We like the same stuff. I just think about some of them more.

I may have also mentioned that I believe there are bad movies and good movies, then there are important movies. Movies that do more than let us check out for a couple of hours. They are impactful in a positive way. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is definitely one of those. Passion of the Christ is another. Saving Private Ryan makes the cut. Sound of Freedom, too. Each one of them deserves – even commands – introspection. Each one has essential things to say that we, in the helter skelter world where we all live, can easily forget. The Shift lands solidly in the important category. It’s an opinion, yes. But one that all would be well-served in considering.

When The Shift hits the fan

The Shift is the story of Kevin Garner, a kind of everydude (welcome, bro!) who meets the girl of his dreams at the lowest point of his life (so far, that is). At their first meeting, his soon-to-be wife Molly raises the question ‘what will happen to us when we experience tragedy? Will we be able to weather the storm?’ Fast forward a few years and tragedy does indeed strike, and that question is answered.

Enter: the Benefactor, played by the absolutely awesome-in-everything-he-does Neal McDonough. The Benefactor possesses a technology that allows him to ‘shift’ between alternate realities. He offers Kevin a job…come and work for him as one of his ‘shifters’, moving from reality to reality doing the Benefactor’s bidding. Oh, and by the way, all Kevins in all other realities have accepted the Benefactor’s offer. For reasons I won’t reveal here, our Kevin declines and is branded ‘the Kevin who refused’, becoming infamous across the multiverse (I know, I know…we will address it, have no fear). As a punishment for rejecting the Benefactor, Kevin is exiled to a bleak and hellish reality where hope is…well, you’ll see…

On its surface, The Shift is not breaking any new ground. Dystopian future hellscapes, brutal and oppressive overlords…we’ve seen it countless times. What makes The Shift different (and immeasurably better) than most is the clear, unashamed God element. The Average Dude was raised up in the way of the Lord so Christ-influenced movies don’t make me uneasy. I know what I know. So while shows like The Last of Us, The Road, Hunger Games, Mad Max, V for Vendetta et al are all great watches in their own right, they can all be dismissed after the lights come up.

The Shift cannot be so easily dismissed. At least, it should not be. And if the idea of God in our world makes you uneasy…? Well, I urge you with all my average dude heart to take a deeper look at why that is.

Get a Job

The Shift is the based on the Biblical story of Job, reimagined for a generation that has elevated sci fi almost to worship status (anybody remember the tragic Heaven’s Gate cult?). It’s not a visual representation straight from the Bible like The Chosen (another popular offering from Angel Studios). It’s allegorical, a cautionary tale so full of meaning and brimming with hope that begs introspection. And I would be criminally derelict if I didn’t impress upon you that to purposefully cast off the deeper meaning of this parable could wind up being a horrible choice. Horrible doesn’t even begin to describe it.

But if we agree to disagree

For those of you who don’t believe the same things that I believe, I can promise you that The Shift is still a great sci fi movie, grabbing us from the opening scene and leading us along without rushing us. It touches every emotion I can think of. Love found and lost. Tragedy compounded by more tragedy. Guilt and redemption and selflessness and still so much hope. Think ‘The Adjustment Bureau’ if it took a step closer to the source of the source material. That’s the best comparison I can give you.

Does The Shift have flaws? Yes, it does. It will clearly appeal more to those of us who believe that there is a devil and he is actively working to destroy us all. He’s been doing it for a long, long time and he knows all the ways to hurt us. When it comes to subtle manipulation and easy to believe lies, he is the ultimate subject matter expert. For those who do not believe in his existence, the impact of McDonough’s amazing performance will be lessened.

Also, from a story perspective, there are some character resolutions that never happen. Those are small knocks and easily forgiven. And then, there’s the whole ‘multiverse’ aspect. Yeah, it’s been used to death in recent years and it leads me to the one HUGE, unexplained plot hole that I cannot reveal without droppig a spoiler. I’m sure you’ll spot it. A little harder to overlook.

That doesn’t make me wrong though

Am I biased? Sure, that’s fair. I’m still giving The Shift a heartfelt 4.8/5 and welcome any discussion on it. I am sure the intent from Angel Studios was to create an engaging, thought-provoking and entertaining movie that leads to bigger conversations within you. That’s a bold goal, I hope it bears fruit. For those who are already invested in the movie’s inspiration, it did just that. For others…? Time will tell. But there is always hope.

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The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes

I was all in from the first moment I heard about The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes. The original Hunger Games series is an annual rewatch for me, an amazing story full of amazing characters portrayed by amazing talent (Caesar Flickerman being my favorite). Being the pie-eyed optimist that you know me to be, how could I not be psyched for a rebirth (or pre-birth, if you like) of the franchise?

Snow: Coriolanus or White?

The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes stars Rachel Zegler, a fairly new face on the scene, with a pretty lean IMDB profile. She was in the West Side Story remake and Shazam II. However, she is MOST notable for the absolutely reviled live action remake of Snow White, where the 7 dwarves were reimagined as the 7 magical creatures of mostly normal size but vastly diverse ethnicities and (presumably) sexual preferences.

That movie hasn’t even been released yet and the backlash has been so severe that it has been rewritten, rebranded, reshot and finally postponed indefinitely. This all in no small part to Rachel Zegler’s very public promotion of the character as a…uh…girl boss? Can we call it that? Let’s call it that. More on that later. Enough to say that she did not put the odds in her favor.

In spite of all the ruffled feathers caused by the off-camera opinions of the songbird element in The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, I was still excited to see this movie. And just like the latest Indiana Jones and Barbie movies, ignoring all the social media talking heads with their pre-formed opinions served me well. I really enjoyed this movie on multiple levels.

For those of you who don’t know, The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is a prequel to the fantastically successful and original Hunger Games series staring Jennifer Lawrence and a whole arena full of stars too numerous to list here.Shorten with AI

Taking place only 10 years after the rebellion in the Districts, this movie focuses on a very young Coriolanus Snow (previously played by the always amazing Donald Sutherland). Corio is a child of the Capital (which is to say the societal elite), but not one of their more prominent or wealthy children. The Snow family have fallen on hard times and all their hopes for reclaiming their once lofty social status rest on Coriolanus winning a scholastic ‘prize’.Shorten with AI

Highbottom…that’s some funny shite…

The Hunger Games, as created in the Panem charter, is losing popularity in the Capital and fomenting new rebellion in the districts. Enter Volumnia Gaul (played by a maniacal Viola Davis) as the current Head Gamesmaster. She is looking to save her skin and increase her own power by turning the Hunger Games around. To do that, she has enlisted the best minds of the Academy, along with their Dean, Casca Highbottom (fantastically portrayed by Peter Dinklage). Coriolanus’ ideas found favor with Dr Gaul and Coriolanus was thrust into the very heart of the Capitals dark, soulless fight for power, like a political Hunger Games.

Like the original series, The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is deliciously multi-layered. At times an action movie (though less so this time around), other times a will-they-wont-they love story, but always a taught political drama, full of twists and turns. With a run-time of 2 hrs and 38 minutes it might have felt a tad overlong, but certainly worth holding your bladder for.

Overstuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey

The flaws I found in The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes were few and easy to overlook. I loved that they included more than a couple of scenes that foreshadow the games to come (like the origination of the song ‘Hanging Tree’, sung by Katniss in the first series). Jason Sshwartzman as Lucretius ‘Lucky’ Flickerman, who had impossibe shoes to fill following Tucci’s Caesar Flickerman performance. He did what he could so kudos to him.

There were lots of those member-berries. Some worked, some did not. A bow by Lucy Gray Baird exactly like the one Katniss gave the Gamekeepers felt forced. Likewise a shot of an unused bow and arrows in the cornucopia of the arena. Then there was a ham-fisted mention of a katniss plant. Seriously, no one watching this movie doesn’t know who Katniss Everdeen will one day be. No need to stuff the member-berries down our throat.

And seriously…again with the Chapter I, Chapter II, Chapter III scene change frames??? They add zero value to the movie and only serve to take the viewer out of the story. Stop it already. I’ll fight you.

The story of Coriolanus Snow…emphasis on the ANUS

Though there are no current plans for there to be another book or movie in this series, there’s just too much story left to tell in the tale of Coriolanus Snow’s ascendence to the pinacle of Capital power. I’ll be surprised if this movie doesn’t spawn at least one more. If the movie fails at the box office, it wont be because of the movie itself. I’m giving The Hunger Games the Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes a solid 4/5 and am very much hoping to see this story continue. I am a fan, social agendas be damned.

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The Marvels is not so much

Mr and Mrs Average Dude are eager consumers of the MCU. We’ve seen everything so far (except for the animated stuff, EXCEPT except for the Spidey cartoons that the next gen Average Dudes clamor for). So, we were going to see this regardless of the absolute barrage of negative chatter on social media…poor test screenings, delays, reshoots, budget bloat, unpopular lead actress (am I allowed to assign a gender to that job catagory anymore? It’s so confusing…). Primetime showing, opening day. I can personally attest that our theater was nowhere near full. We sat in the primo spot in our theater and we had plenty of seat buffer. So there’s that.

The Monday morning reports are already calling time of death on this movie, reporting it to be the biggest FAIL for an opening weekend Marvel movie EVER. Bold take. And pre-release reports were saying that this movie needed to bring in around a cool billion bucks to be considered a success. Uh-oh..

Am I just getting old or what’s the deal?

Per my process, I start a mental walkthrough of the movie. And TBH, I can’t even recall what the opening scene of The Marvels looked like. So, I scan my memory for the first thing I actually can recall, hoping to jar my Average Dude brainbone. What pops up is the spacewalk scene where a stunningly underwhelming Nick Fury is chatting with both Captain Marvel and Monica ‘Lieutenant Trouble’ Rambeau (a weak and contrived nickname from the first Captain Marvel movie) who are checking out some weird energy readings from their trans-spacial hither-thither hexagons. And, apparently, they (the Marvels) both have unaddressed beef with one another. Can’t you just feel the awkward tension?

JK…we seriously do not care.

I think at some point around there we are introduced to the villain of The Marvels. Lucky for me I have a Google machine to remind me that her name is Dar-Benn (who was a dude in the source material but is now a woman who looks very khaleesi-like but whatevs…)

The only truly memorable thing about her is that she is the off-screen cardiac affiliate of Loki (Tom Hiddleston, to you non-nerds). Point is, she’s an ultimately forgetable character. And because nothing in this movie is not contrived, she discovers the mate to the power-bangle possessed by one Kamala Khan – the Ms Marvel of Disney + fame. Or infamy, to be more precise. How convenient.

I’m not ready for that

Adding to the countless contrivances in The Marvels, Captain Marvel, Lieutenant Marvel and Private Marvel get inexplicably entangled because of something to do with the hither-thither hexes and will swap physical positions with one another when they use their powers. Sometimes. Not every time but apparently when it’s convenient to the plot. Why just the three heroes and not Dar-Loki? No clue. Probably because that would have robbed the writers of the ‘hilarity’ of the body swapping. Sigh…whatevs. I wish I could give you a final count of just how many contrivances, coincidences and plotholes big enough to fly a starship through. That would require the Average Dude to watch The Marvels again. And to quote my favorite Captain…

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but…

Is there anything enjoyable in this flurkin movie? Surprisingly, there is. And it comes from the place where I absolutely least expected. Kamala Khan (KHAAAAN!!!), Ms Marvel’s character actually brought some childlike wonder to a story and script that was bone-dry. In her own Disney+ series she was tedious and annoying. Not here. In fact, we should recognize her entire family for injecting life into this movie. Placed next to the plain oatmeal performances of both of the elder Marvels, they were like a cool breeze on a hot Arizona summers day.

So, it’s a musical now?

There are lots and lots of sub plots shoehorned into this movie for reasons we can only guess at. A flurkin army, accidental genocide, broken promises, preparing for financial retirement…and a musical dance scene that feels very Bollywood.

Very little of them made sense and none of them were really explained. Like seeing a baby carseat on the side of the road, you wonder how it got there. In the end, you realize you don’t have all the informtion you need and spending time wondering about it is just too horrible. So, I am giving The Marvels a 2.5/5 solely on the Khan family performances. Oh, and one of the two post-credit scenes was really intriguing. All I’m saying about that.

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Live Freelance or Die Hard

The Average Dude remembers feeling surprise and joy after going to see ‘The Rundown’ (Sept, 2003). There was not a lot of buzz on it, it was a filler-movie to tide folks over until the spooky movies came out. The Rock had just begun his rocket-ride to super-duper stardom and so wasn’t a studio lock yet. Spending my allotted weekly cinema time was a bit of a gamble* that paid off. Freelance doesn’t hit that mark, or even come all that close to it. Still, just like the Rundown or Die Hard 4, Freelance evoked the same spirit…a movie that delivered more than was expected.

Freelance is the story of Mason Pettits (John Cena), an ex-Special Forces soldier who was forced into civilian life after an operation in a South American went, uh, south. Now a small-time lawyer, a husband and father, Mason feels his best life is behind him and pines for a life that had meaning. The strain of his malaise takes a heavy toll on his family.

Enter Sebastian Earle (nice to see you again, Christian Slater), a former Special Forces mate who now runs a top-dollar private security operation that employs ex-military, ex-cop and current roided-out meat puppets (unapologetically). He offers his old pal Mason an easy payday: escort a lady journalist – Claire Wellington – to the same South American country where the course of his life was changed so she can interview the very dictator – Juan Venegas – that Mason once tried to permanently ‘depose’. It doesn’t take much convincing for Mason to take the gig.

Sounds like a simple in-and-out, right? But of course, things go awry and Mason finds himself running through the jungle trying to keep Claire alive while also trying to NOT kill Venegas. Okay, a fun premise with a small twist. The first small surprise in a movie that has several small surprises.

Not exactly the road less travelled, but…

Freelance is not in danger of breaking any new ground, but also does not take the predictable happy path to the finish line (well, not totaly predictable, anyway). There are a few little twists and turns in this movie that at least keep us wondering about who the bad guys are and what hidden motives there might be. And that is something that’s not nothing. Before we get to the heartwarming and/or Oscarbait movie season, finding a little light popcorn-chomper like Freelance is itself a nice little surprise that will ultimately be forgotten.

The story is the real hero in Freelance, but a perfectly subtle performance by Juan Pablo Raba as the dictator of Paldonia should be noted. John Cena does exactly what you’d expect from him. Likewise Alison Brie’s performance. And Alice Eve and Marton Csokas were all but wasted (but nice to see anyway).

All in all, Freelance was better than I expected and a nice surprise that didn’t give itself totally away in the first reel, and for that I’m going to give it a 3 out of 5. This movie feels like it would have been a bigger hit if it had been released in August, where the surprise factor would have had a little more impact. Some free cinematic wisdom, there ya go.

Oh and btw, I hear that there is some traction on The Rundown 2. Errrr…uh okay. Sure. Peg it for a February release. There is no ‘off’ on my cinematic wisdom switch.

*Full disclosure, even though he’s the biggest name in Hollywood today, the Rock movies are still a bit of a gamble. Receipts: Black Adam and Jungle Cruise come easily to mind.

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South Park Into the Panderverse: More chicks. More Lame. More Gay.

Full disclosure from the git-go…prior to watching South Park Into the Panderverse, Average Dude had seen exactly 1/2 of one episode of South Park (TIMMY!!!). Not throwing shade, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. That’s not to say that I am ignorant to the characters that Trey Parker and Matt Stone created. I could not be a sentient American over the past QUARTER CENTURY and not know who Cartman, Kyle, Stan and the ever-resurrected Kenny are. But when I heard the premise for this episode I was too intrigued not to give it a watch. And man, am I glad I did.

I’ve been skewered by South Park! I’m somebody now!

Everyone knows that Parker and Stone are brutally irreverent and comically merciless in their content. That’s been their lane from the beginning, and its served us all well. And they are on point because NOBODY has been immune to their slings and arrows. Donald Trump. The NFL. PC Culture. Caitlyn Jenner. Covid. Anti-vaxxers. Celebrities. And now…finally…Disney. South Park Into the Panderverse takes particular aim at The Mouse. And Disney is not happy about it. Not. One. Bit.

Parker and Stone have taken a few shots at the House of Mouse over the years. How could they not? They acquired the greatest entertainment properties of all time! Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Marvel, Pixar, ESPN, ABC and of course, their own kiddie entertainment juggernaut. They truly seemed like they were immune to failure. Such amassed power demanded the attention of South Park. And so confident in their great power, they laughed off the barbs because they believed in their own invulnerability. Hold up a hot minute there, Disney…

Times they are a-changin’

Setting aside my own opinions for a bit, here are some facts: Disney has promoted some very polarizing content in their biggest properties. The troubled story of the latest Indiana Jones movie (which the Average Dude liked) was well-publicized. The toxic battle behind the scenes between Kathleen Kennedy and Gina Carano. Their very open push for ‘diversity and inclusion’ but is widely seen as ‘indoctrination’ has led them to roll out financial failures like Strange World, Lightyear, the Little Mermaid redux, and pretty much anything from Marvel in the last year. Do I even need to mention the backlash unleashed on Rachel Zegler and Snow White and the 7 Magical Creatures. (I can’t even…no) All this content is a monolithic financial failure. Fact. Undeniable fact, not earnestly open for debate. All that begs the question: why? That is open for opinion, of course. And that’s where South Park Into the Panderverse comes in.

Opinions are like buttholes, and South park shows you theirs

South Park Into the Panderverse was amazingly topical on so many levels that the Average Dude truly needed to make physical notes on everyone who got shish-kebobbed. Sure, the major shishing was reserved for Kathleen Kennedy, one of the biggest names at the Mouse House. Kennedy was pivotal in promiting some very non-traditional content that pushed the LGBTQ+ agenda (Disney has long been a proponent ) Stone and Parker’s parody of this open pandering was to lampoon the lazy-writing macguffin of Marvel’s Multiverse to both bring Kennedy into the South Parkverse AND to remake it with the battle cry ‘put a chick in it and make it lame and gay’. Cartman, having voiced much anger at Disney for ruining so many once-awesome properties, was pulled into the Kennedyverse where everyone was a chick and gay. I’ll let you ponder the possibilities for a moment…

A secondary but no less relevant story within was the ascendence of the local handymen because they can fix things, while the college educated elite were suffering because they didn’t know how to do anything and relied on the handymen for even the most simple repair tasks. (Note – never mind that any of us can build a particle accelerator by quickly searching YouTube but whatevs) South Park Into the Panderverse gives us an over the top parody but the point gets made hilariously.

So, let’s get a (severed) head count…

Having only seen one full episode of South Park in my life, I have no idea if the show is typically multi-layered. In this one, they managed to bust chops on Disney, Kennedy, Iger, Feige, Marvel, LGBTQ+ corporate pandering, Cartman himself, the college-educated elitists, the skilled craftsmen, and even a sideswipe on Elon Musk and Richard Branson (did anyone but me notice the Branson cameo in Superman Returns? Just sayin’…). That’s an impressive body count for one show and I enjoyed it so much. I’m not saying that I’ll be going back to watch 25 years of the show. But I’m glad I watched this gem.

One knock on Parker and Stone is that this episode comes way after the mustard was off the hot dog. The pendulum of more traditional values has long since begun swinging back. This episode would have been so much more of a skewer if it had been done even a year ago. Even so, I’m giving South Park Into the Panderverse a very rare 5/5. The fact that Disney is actually attacking back and employing their journo-army to help out is proof that they struck a nerve dead-on. Better late to the party than not at all, I guess.

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