Author: todd.wade

Civil War, your timing is impeccable

There is no movie I’ve seen previews for this year – other than Deadpool 3 of course – that the Average Dude has been more anticipating than Civil War. One wonders how long it has been in the can, awaiting the perfect time to release. Too soon and they lose the boost of current political divisions going into the most important presidential election since the LAST most important presidential election. Too late and they risk either political fatigue (aren’t we all kind of there anyway?) vs possible encitement to conflict. I kind of think Hollywood nailed it. Well played, Hollywood. About time you actually thought things through and made a smart call.

So, even though it competed with The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, I was always going to see Civil War opening weekend. And I’m glad I did. While all the political pundits gave their agenda-driven yays or nays, I was able to avoid their influence and watch this movie with anticipation and not expectation.

I say anticipation, but that doesn’t mean without bias. I would love to talk to anyone who truly has no biases on the state of the canyon that exists between conservatives and liberals. I would take them to see Civil War and intently listen to their reaction. Because this Average Dude is fully aware of his own biases. And, in the spirit of seeking the truth in all things, am constantly challenging those biases. That’s the only way I know to seek truth.

The basic premise of Civil War: California and Texas have ceceded from the United States and allied, adopting an American flag with only two stars. There are various other states that have ceceded and created their own coalitions, separate from the Loyalist States. The Loyalist States, led by the current president, have launched an offensive against the Cali/Texas alliance. Since Cali and the Lone Star state have a very large percentage of military bases, it makes sense from a believability standpoint.

They would have needed a maxi-series to tell it all

If Civil War had continued down that road it could have been a exciting, action-packed, possibly even powerful movie. But that would have required it to actually answer one of about a hundred questions that the viewing audience had. What caused the initial division so grievous that it caused the United States to fracture so completely AND cause California and Texas to side together? What did the internal struggle for power within each faction look like? Who is leading the Western Forces coalition? Or the Second Republic of Texas? Or Cali? And why in the world is South Carolina not part of the Florida Alliance? See what I mean? There are a truckload of other stories to tell here.

Thelma and Louise. And a dude. And an older dude.

Civil War didn’t begin from any of those story points, which could have started us on an epic journey. Nope. They made the whole Civil War a backdrop for a road-trip story about 4 journalists rolling through a war-torn America enroute to the White House to interview the sitting president before the cecessionists arrive to remove him from office. With extreme predjudice. Journos. Of all the viewpoints in society that the writers could have chosen to tell this story, could they have chosen one LESS trustworthy? Less identifiable by the bulk of the country? I’m thinking probably not.

So, in fairness to journos, there are probably some journos out there that really do aspire to the higher journo ideals. Tell the truth with impartiality. Show the facts. Unbiased. Even when it comes at great personal risk. Those girls and guys are the closest to secular martyrs we will ever see. But those folks are rare. Like, unicorn rare. They’re the ones who have not been co-opted by money and fame. It’s sad but true.

Food for thought

But Dude…is it any good? The short answer to that is yes. Sure, there’s some good stuff, but mostly it comes as a subtle warning to the watcher. The facade of ‘American moral superiority’ falls away. Slowly, at first. But as the intrepid journos get closer to DC, the brutality grows. In this Average Dude’s opinion, it was way, WAY too soft. It was baby formula when we wanted a T-bone.

If current strife in other areas of the globe have shown us, war on your own doorstep isn’t just uncomfortable or inconvenient. It’s crushing. It’s scarring. It’s often fatal. And in our land of excess, self-absorbsion and entitlement, the carnage would come faster and more brutally than most folks think. Civil War hinted at it, but didn’t take it nearly far enough IMHO.

So…does the Average Dude recommend?

I do. Because most average dudes and dudies have probably wondered on some level what a Civil War in this country would look like. And even getting a taste of it would be worth your time. Civil War straight up did not take sides. To the very best of its ability it walked the partisanship middle line. Would it have been better if it had taken a stand? I think so. For good or ill, it would have gotten more press. Appealing to one side and enraging the other surely would have generated more buzz. But watering it down guarantees a watered down response. And it feels a bit cowardly. That’s just the Average Dude’s opinion.

So, take it for what it’s worth, I suppose… reminder of how quickly people can forget their humanity. A mild reminder, at that. If something like this really did happen, I think it would be so much, much worse. And THAT’s not just an opinion.

There are many examples in our marvelously modern world that back up that claim. In the land of ultimate opportunity and affluence, what do you think would happen if that American priviledge got suddenly yanked away? People who have never once had to fend for themselves would be in utter panic. That’s upwards of 333 million folks (minus the 1%) who would be desperate to get what they ‘need’. Think the covid toilet paper panic times about a skillion. If we lose our sh!t over two-ply, what will it look like if folks can’t get their meds. Or their Hamburger Helper. Or their internet.

In the spirit of educating the purposefully obtuse, I am recommending Civil War. For those of us who spend time thinking ‘what if’, its a curiosity. For those who just don’t want to think about the possibility, I’d call it a must-watch on a grade school level. The Average Dude is giving Civil War a 3.5 out of 5. And God help us all if something like this ever happens.

And not for nothing, but I much preferred this Civil War…

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The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare is jolly good fun

Holy Cow! When the Average Dude saw a preview for The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, I was 100% in! Starring Chief’s fan and GOAT Superman Henry Cavill AND Alan ‘Reacher’ Ritchson, I was geeking out at the prospect of these two mega dudes doing mega-dude things on the same side in the same movie. Crazy awesome. Even Mrs. Average Dude was psyched for this movie. Average Dude does not begrudge her enjoying the eye candy.

 

So, when Average Dude was scoping out the new releases for last week and happened upon an advance screening for The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, I knew it was going to be a twofer weekend (Civil War review – coming soon). I love a twofer weekend so much.

Terribly unsporting of you, ol’ chap

The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare it the ‘based on a actual events’ story of purported scoundrel Gus March-Phillips and his assembled crew of similar ne’er-do-wells. This merry band of chaos-bringers all possess a variety of ‘very particular skill sets’. Sadly, the oh-so-proper British government could not, in good conscience, bring said skill sets to bear on an enemy that showed no reluctance to use any level of brutality to further its ends. So, Churchill and a small contingent of his war cabinet enlisted March-Phillips to do their dirty work, promising prison (at best) should he and his men be found out.

So began Operation: Postmaster, a coverty operation to take out a German submarine refueling and supply depot on the ‘neutral’ Spanish island of Fernando Po.

God bless you, Guy Ritchie

While The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare had all the booty (giggety) that Mrs Average Dude could want – a dashing rogue leader (Cavill), an even larger human specimen (Ritchson) AND the Dread Pirate Roberts (okay, it’s a romantic throwback) it was not without a little sumthin-sumthin for the mates. Eiza Gonzalez plays Marjorie Stewart, an actress/singer/socialite turned spy for not-sure-whom and is a very passable clone of Gal Gadot. Thanks, Guy Ritchie. Your service to the Average Dudes is appreciated.

Too much star power

So, with a loaded cast, a classic action movie premise and one of my favorite directors at the helm, how could The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare be anything but a monumental smash? Here’s how…too much of a good thing. We all know Cavill’s movie pedigree. Action movie veteran. And most of us are still high on Alan Ritchson from two seasons of ‘Reacher’. We expected a lot of screen time for both of these fellows. Cavill, as the star of the story, got his. Ritchson, however, was almost an afterthought, which is a shame. And I get it. There was a lot going on in this movie, something had to give. I guess Ritchson is still paying his dues.

Also a small gripe, I have to mention that I have rarely seen so many deaths with so little gore. I mean, these super-commandos killed a LOT of bad guys. And unless I blinked, every single shot made with either a bullet, an arrow or a thown object found its mark unerringly. Apparently, Hollywood never misses.

In spite of the tiny imperfections of this movie, the Average Dude enthusiastically gives The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare a 4 out of 5. Well worth the 2 hrs and corn. We love it when all the WWII baddies get ended (well, ALMOST all of them). You’ll get plenty of it here and it’s always satisfying. Tally ho!

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A Monkey Man among men. And monkeys

When it comes to the average dudes in this world, we will watch John Wick-level violence wherever we find it. Why do we love it so much? Most of us aren’t looking to go fist-to-face with a hoarde of gun/blade/club wielding bad guys. Most of us aren’t looking for a fight of any kind. Without getting into psychologies or societal morrays, we’ll just attribute it to the hard-coded nature of the male of the species. Let’s do that.

So when the trailer came out for Monekey Man, your Average Dude was all in. And not just because of the choreographed Wick-level brawls. I’m a genuine fan of Dev Patel. Slumdog Millionaire is maybe the last Best Picture Oscar that got it right. Lion, great film. Hotel Mumbai, same. And even though I was ‘meh’ on the adaptation of ‘The Green Knight’, bravo for Patel for taking a risk on it.

Dude’s never get sick of Wick

When Wick-lovers go to see a Wickshow, we know what we’re in for. Guns. Lots of guns. Some knives. Brutality on a grand scale. And for all the average dudes out there, that’s enough to get our attention. If there is a complelling story and empathetic or relatable characters, that’s just gravy on the ‘taters. We were already at the table. And if nothing else, Monkey Man promised ultra-violence on Wick levels. And boy, did it deliver.

So, is Monkey Man just another John Wick?

No. No, it’s not.

To get inside the head of Monkey Man, it would help to have watched Slumdog Millionaire. Having some understanding of the way the caste system of India works is really important. Monkey Man, who is known only by the sobriquet ‘Kid’, is one of ‘the least of these’. After the brutal death of his family by the criminal elite, Kid is left to scratch out a living any way that he can. Eventually, Kid becomes an underground cage fighter. He adopts the persona of a monkey mask-wearing villain, who is routinely reviled and beaten bloody for his payday.

And all the while, vengence grows in his bloody heart. He is consumed by it, leaving almost nothing else.

What Monkey Man could have been

Monkey Man could – and maybe should – have been the Batman of India. As the story developed, that’s what I thought we were going to get. And I was excited for it. Batman, if Batman was created from Frank Castle (the Punisher, for you non-comic nerds). Quest for vengence turned into champion of the underclass. And, of course, John Wick-level fight scenes. That’s the powerful combination I was expecting. But it’s not what I got.

Monkey Man is a Hollywood-style action movie without the clear-cut Hollywood ending that this Average Dude was hoping for. Did it work? Ah, yes. Sure. Okay. But was it a let down? Yes, it was, and mostly because it hinted at that oh-so-satisfying Hollywood closure all through the movie. Even so, this movie can stand on it’s own merits. I can even applaud it for them, once I get over the sting of disappointment.

Monkey Man would have been a clear 4.5/5 had it delivered on it’s promises. But going it’s own way, brave though it might be, didn’t do it any favors. So, I can only give it a 3.75 out of 5. And since it’s Holly/Bollywood…there’s always a way to do a Monkey Man 2. Maybe the payoff will be worth the journey. Maybe they’ll deliver on the promise. It’s the movies! And in movies, there’s always hope.

Next week: A TWOFER! I’m reviewing Civil War AND The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, two movies I’ve been super psyched to see!

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Ghostbusters Frozen Empire: Bustin’ for a new generation?

There’s no getting around the fact that the original, beloved Ghostbusters are too old to carry the franchise anymore. So, if Hollywood wants to keep milking this intellectual property, they only have two choices. They either have to do a full reboot and recast all the characters. Which they tried. And failed. Spectacularly. Possibly even historically. I don’t need to rehash that.

The second choice is to ‘pass the torch’, which is what Ghostbusters Frozen Empire and Afterlife are attempting to do. And, in the Average Dude’s opinion, not very well. I’m not proud of saying that because who didn’t love the Ivan Reitman/Harold Ramis/Dan Ackroyd story?

Ghosted by the ghosts

Here’s something that needs to be said about Ghostbusters Frozen Empire…you kinda want to see some ghosts, right? They don’t even have to be scary ones like Viggo (well….).

There were a couple of low-level spooks early on, including a nice throwback to Slimer. But there just wasn’t that much ghost busting going on. And the big bad frozen ghostie? He was almost an afterthought. We barely saw him at all. Yeah, I didn’t feel any real threat from that guy. And that’s kind of a good thing, because this group of Ghostbusters doesn’t seem all that capable. Or smart. Other than Phoebe, the offspring of Egon Spangler. And speaking of our favorite 15 year old proton particle accelerator super-genius…

for the first time…trans-dimensional same sex hookups!

Of all the ghosts that appeared in Ghostbusters Frozen Empire, the one that garnered the most screen time was Melody, a young lady who died in a fire. Recently, judging by her spectral attire. Why did she still look young and pretty while every other ghost looks like sun-baked @$$…no clue. I guess because a trist between a 15 year old and a ghost sewer gator doesn’t have the same appeal.

The character development and screentime disparity between villain and ghost hookup wasn’t even close. Without dropping any spoilers I can say that the writers, quite by accident, showed how an adult can manipulate an angry, lonely and depressed teenager to their own ends. I wonder how many people actually caught that. I did.

So, to ask the obvious question…

No, it’s not who you gonna call? The answer to that is the OG Ghostbusters, clearly. The obvious question: Is Ghostbusters Frozen Empire worth the watch? Answer: Yes, but barely, and with reservations.

The new crew is not capable of carrying the franchise on their own. Not yet. They have the resident super-genius but she’s still a kid, which makes it hard to buy into her character. Paul Rudd, consumate scene-stealer, creates the right balance to ghost-science boss Phoebe as did Bill Murray in the original. Every other character was a throw-away. Except maybe the ‘Firemaster’. Similar to the ‘Keymaster’ or the ‘Gatekeeper’, but okay.  And I may be in the minority, but I still find Kumail Nanjiani’s deadpan schtick funny.

There were plenty of remember-berries (as there were in Afterlife) to tweak our nostalgia. I loved them even though they were obviously forced. But the whole barely adolescent same-sex ‘romance’ was creepy AF, and not in the good way that Ghostbusters is known for. Nope.

That’s what I said…booty trap

And I’m not going to harp on the fact that the kids in Ghosebusters Frozen Empire were basically unparented and at hazard constantly. C’mon. It’s a movie, not a PTA family. Nobody boo-hoo’d about the Goonies. It’s fine, karen. However, if that, then this: the only adult that actually tried to parent was Rudd’s character. I’m not sure if he was actually a step-dad or just a ghostbusting booty call. But the actual mother couch-tatering and phone surfing between spooks was a disturbing writer’s choice. That’s all I’ll say.

With all that in mind, I’m not afraid to give Ghostbusters Frozen Empire the marginal approval of 2.75/5. If you go in knowing that, you should be okay. Sure, there were plot holes big enough to drive a proton powered hearse through. But you still get OG Ghostbusters like mamma used to make. More than in Afterlife, as a matter of fact. And that’s enough for the Average Dude.

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Arthur the King was always going to take my money

The Average Dude is a well-known dog person. Not necessarily anti-cat but kinda. Just really, REALLY pro-puppa. Not sorry in any way for that.

So when I saw the trailer for Arthur the King there was zero doubt that I was going to review it. None. Saturday night, opening weekend was locked in for Mr & Mrs Average Dude. Dune 2 will have to wait its turn. Average Dude has waited long enough for Arthur the King. I casually wondered if I could bring our dog Henley to this show. I’d buy him a ticket.

Arthur the King is ‘based on the true story’ of Michael Light, an Adventure Racing athlete who is approaching the end of his prime still in search of a championship win. Mark Wahlberg stars as Michael, the captain of Team Broadrail, who have agreed to sponsor Micahael’s team…barely. Enough to enter the race and get to the Dominican Republic, but not enough to get there early for acclimation and training. Undaunted, the team accepts. Every member has their own reasons for joining the race, so literally everyone has skin in the game.

You’re just not hooked up right

I feel like I should mention from the outset that Adventure Racing isn’t your garden variety endurance race. This ain’t a Spartan Run. It’s more like a quest, daring the environment, the weather, the fates to do their worst, because each team will do theirs. This championship race was an astounding, torturous 435 mile run, trek, bike, hike, climb and kayak over some of the most dangerous and unforgiving terrain on the earth. The Average Dude is a fan of obstacle races and TBH, am planning to train for a 2nd full marathon this year (Vegas, baby). But putting yourself through something like this? Voluntarily? Nah. Not for me but go forth and conquer, ye Above Average Dudes and Dudies.

So the stage is set

Fast forward to about the halfway point in this painful yet exhilerating glory-by-masochism event comes this matted, world-worn, bedraggled dog of indeterminable origin and breed. He is alone, beat up and hungry. And yet, to the eyes of Michael, he still seems to carry himself with an aire of regality, as if his current state of affairs does not define him. This overcoming of circumstances parallels Michael’s own mindset and their bond is sealed over a few meatballs. The team christens him Arthur the King. Team Broadrail’s brief rest passes and they resume their brutal trek.

Not all heroes wear flea collars

Unknown to the team, they had gained a fifth member. Arthur the King follows Broadrail and, using his knowledge of the terrain, guides them away from danger and towards their next goal. How did Arthur know where they were going? Don’t know. But that’s what the movie portrays and it is at least alluded to in the actual accounts. And I love me some hero dogs so I’m going with it.

All the Hollywood-ization of actual events aside, Arthur the King does deliver the goods. The story is sometimes ham-handed and force-fed to an audience that sits expectantly with mouths agape, ready to savor the next bite of hero dog goodness. After reading about the actual events, it is clear that the 90 minute movie needed to ‘interpret’ things in a more cinematic way. And we are okay with that because we know that the basic facts are accurate. And because we know that, most of the embelishments and transparent heartstring tugs are forgiven.

So, with no apology given or needed, I’m giving Arthur the King a 3.5 out of 5 and recommend it for the whole family. It’s not Homeward Bound: the Incredible Journey or Old Yeller. Those are the gold standard of dog movies and will probably never be touched. But is it Turner & Hooch? Getting closer. And there is definitely room in our hearts for another one of those.

And yup, I went straight home to hug my Average Doge.

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Cabrini on, my wayward son…

This weekend was a busy one in the Average Dude household. We slipped away to a b & b overnighter to see a classic band concert – Kansas. And even though the venue did not have a liquor license and we could not imbibe during the 2 hour show (boo) it was still totally worth it.

And true to form, wherever Mrs Average Dude and I go on our adventures grand or small, we make the most of it. Where the concert was indeed the marque event, it was by no means the only memory. We visited a young adult Irish bar where Mrs Average Dude tried to get me into ‘conflict’ (hilariously). We may have captured a poltergeist on film. Mrs Average Dude accidentally deadbolted the house and two couples could not come home. And we witnessed a crabby old dude in church on Sunday that is now living rent-free in my head.

Oh, and there may have been some larceny. Some, not a lot. It happens.

Cabrini is a real life mom boss

Even with all of that, we still made time to take in a movie for me to review. It came down to a choice between Cabrini and a monochromatic ursine mammal engaging in ancient Asian arts of war. The fourth. In the end, we chose Cabrini, the true story of the first cannonized American Saint. What she achieved, in the face of predjudices, violence and overwhelming poverty is…well, nothing short of a miracle. As any Catholic can tell you, you don’t get sainted without a miracle. It’s baked into the sainthood.

Cabrini began her story in 1850 in a tiny northern Italy province. Born two months premature, she was small and of weak constitution her entire life. Though frail in body, her will was strong and her heart was pure. Her Godly calling as a missionary and advocate of the orphaned grew into something that all of her male contemporaries of the era could not temper, let alone deny. Eventually, the Pope himself had no choice but to believe in the vision of this tiny force to be reckoned with. So, His Eminence yoked her strength, steering her towards serving a great need…in America.

In the Five-Points district of New York City, to be precise.

To add more context to Cabrini, it’s important to remember the era in which this was happeing. Immigrants in America – and NYC in particular – were ritually discriminated against. Verbal and physical abuse by every strata of whites was all too common.

While that behavior towards the black population is well known, it is much less acknowledged that every other non-American white demograph suffered from bigotry and hate. Irish. Native American. Hispanic. And Italian. And an Italian woman at that. The fact that she was a nun was only the slightest of shields. Unquestionably, the pilgrimage of Cabrini was epic. Or miraculous, if you like.

So, was Cabrini enjoyable?

The answer to that is…kinda? Yes, it was a feel-good movie. Something that Angel Studios has sort of made their stock-in-trade. But not all feel-good movies are the same. Sister Act gives us a much different ‘good feeling’ than Cabrini does.

I am glad to know that people like Cabrini have existed. But if I’m honest, it makes me sad that they don’t seem to exist today. Like dirt, they ain’t making any more saints. And that realization is a tragedy.

In the end, I did give Cabrini a 4 out of 5, but it’s more on a personal note that ties directly into the Mr/Mrs Average Dude adventure last weekend…

God Doesn’t Play at Dice

Have you ever listened to the lyrics of many Kansas songs? There is a distinct note of God to them. If you listen with that in mind, you can’t help but see it. Noted.

I didn’t know this until the very end of the movie, but Cabrini adopted the name Francis Xavier when taking her vows.

The Catholic church we visited while on our northaland adventure… St. Francis Xavier. Now, I don’t often read the Divine into the mundane, but I also believe the words of Albert Einstein…God doesn’t play at dice. Was it providence? Don’t know. But on that personal note, I boosted Cabrini up a notch to the honored 4+ zone. And I feel good about that.

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Drive-Away Dolls was not what I expected…in the worst way

I ask you…what is the purpose of a movie trailer? The simple answer: for the studios is to give you a snapshot of what the movie is about, presented in a way that builds excitement and anticipation for its release. I do love trailers. I do love the anticipation they create. But I’ll readily admit that studios very often use them to hide deficiencies in the finished work. The first Suicide Squad trailer is a great example of this.

Drive-Away Dolls takes the trailer smoke and mirrors tactic to new lows. Really new lows. Like, the lowest. I was expecting a movie with elements of Thelma and Louise, Raising Arizona and a smattering of Pulp Fiction. That could have been a really cool movie, so I thought.

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

You already know that I enjoy trailers and avoid reviews before I actually see a movie so as not to taint my opinion. It makes the Average Dude review as honest as possible. Having seen the trailer, I was aware that there were LGBetc elements to Drive-Away Dolls. It was briefly mentioned.

But this was an Ethan Coen film. His film cred includes some all-time classics. So I was ready to see what Coen had created this time around. And this movie definitely bears the Coen mark. Long periods of exposition rattled off as if reading from a well-rehearsed script. Quirky characters, over-the-top behavior. But those elements were merely a drive-by of historical Coen landmarks. By and large, the whimisical nature of Coen films was gone and replaced by…

There’s no way to sugar-coat this…it was pron*

There. I said it (almost). From the opening moments of this movie, it was pron. How pronish waa it? I’d say it falls somewhere between British pron and full-blown American-style pron. There was just barely enough story to get from one girl-on-girl sex scene to the next. And while every single character’s behavior was over-the-top and hyper-verbal in the Coen style, I only found one character that I actually considered classic Coen quirky (thank you, Curly). And even that was just a small bit part. I guess Ethan didn’t want to detract from the chick stuff.

And I kind of get it. Awhile back there was a very openly gay-men oriented movie called ‘Bros’. It absolutely crashed and burned at the box office. Was it bad? No idea because I had no desire to see it. It wasn’t marketed for me. And apparently, Hollyweird learned a lesson with that marketing disaster because they very effectively hid the true nature of Drive-Away Dolls from We the Audience, hoping to hook an unsuspecting Average Dude into dropping his hard-earned coin on this crap. Well played, Hollyweird.

Some things you just can’t unsee

I really don’t want to review this movie too deeply because, to be honest, I want to scrub my brain of it as soon as possible. Before my reviewing days I probably would have walked out of Drive-Away Dolls before the end of the first reel. It really was that bad.

And it would be all too easy to just say ‘It was smut’ and leave it there. But it wasn’t just the depravity. The story and dialog were so far below what we have come to love and expect from a Coen movie. It was all just so clearly all about the girl on girl scenes that I expected a pizza delivery girl or girl-plumber to show up at any moment.

It was just that basic.

And since I’ve been going on about trailers, I might mention that all but one of the trailers sent out with Drive-Away Dolls (yes, the studios decide what trailers go with which movie) were uninteresting at best, disturbing at worst. Tragic celebrity death. Racially divisive wizardry. And the new Jordan Peele. That’s the good one, which is big for me. Peele’s movie ‘Us’ was my least favorite move of all time…until Drive-Away Dolls, that is. Average Dudes and Dudies, we have a new champion.

So, with my most humble, sincere apolgies to Mrs Average Dude for taking her to a secret adult movie in disguise where the most entertainment we could extract was from the elderly couple in the back row, I give Drive-Away Dolls a 1 out of 5, the lowest score I’ve given to date. It’s worse than bad, it’s bad AND depraved. Ethan Coen, I don’t know why you included a Matt Damon and Miley Cyrus psychodelic sex romp. In truth, I just don’t care. Everyone associated with this irredemable dreck loses.

As is my way, I try to find something good in every movie I see. The good from this train-wreck dumpster fire is that I will surely find out how many of my friends read my reviews. Every one who know me will have a laugh imagining me taking my lovely Mrs Average Dude to a smut-show.

I take the heat. For you.

*Since the social media algorythms dislike the simplest term for exclusively adult content, we have to use this workaround. We work with the tools we have.

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Ordinary Angels…I’m not crying…you’re crying.

The times that it could be said that the Average Dude is at a loss for words are few and far between. That feels like an understatement. Just ask Mrs Average Dude. Or Average Dude Bestie. Or the Average Doge, for that matter.

The times that I am without words about a movie I’ve just watched are non-existent. Or they were, until this very moment.

That sounds like I’m about to tell you that Ordinary Angels was the greatest movie I’ve ever seen. I’m not. I liked it very much, though. It evoked emotions in me that were real and so unexpectedly raw that I am struggling to find the right tone, the right feel, for this review.

The right heart, if you will.

And there is so much to say about it that I guess I’m having trouble finding a place to start. But because I love doing this so much, try I shall. If it comes across as ham-handed, just know I’m giving it my best shot.

Ordinary Angels is the based on the true story of Ed Schmitt, played by rising superstar Alan Ritchson (Reacher, if you’ve been off-world for the past two years). Schmitt, an every-man type guy who works roofing and construction for a living, tragically loses his wife to illness. Schmitt’s grief is compounded by massive medical debt and the despair of knowing he has to raise his two young daughters alone. Add to his long list of challenges, Ed’s youngest daughter Ashley is born with a liver disease (IRL, both daughters have the disease). It is Job-like existence that can I only imagine but don’t like to. And that’s one of the reasons this is so hard to write about.

Ordinary angels does the opposite

For most of us, movies are about escaping for a couple of hours, for stepping outside of ourselves and our all-too often stressful lives. Ordinary Angels absolutely will not allow that. Everything that happens to Ed Schmitt could have happened to every one of us. That’s a sobering thought that I can’t escape. It forces us to look inside ourselves and ask ‘how would I handle all of this? How would I bear up?’ Impossible to know but also really hard to not think about.

Heavy thought #2

Ed Schmitt fortunately had the help of a very loving, very involved mother (Nancy Travis) who doesn’t get top billing but is also an Ordinary Angel. Having someone like that in your corner is so much more than many people have. Just one of the blessings the Schmitts had, and it gets overlooked by most folks. But so critical to the family’s survival. And there is the second heavy thought. We get so struck by all the bad that the Schmitts have to endure that we don’t recognize that there were blessings, too.

And then there is Sharon Stephens, played brilliantly by Hilary Swank. Sharon is a local salon owner and big time pary girl. Sharon is bold, flashy and overly extroverted, bar-hopping like an 21 year old college sophmore. This is how she battles her own inner demons until one day, a close friend and co-worker calls her on the carpet. Yet another unsung Ordinary Angel.

Heavy thought #3

Coming to the realization that she has a problem, Sharon hyper-focuses on saving the Schmitt family. The challenges she takes on and triumphs over in pursuit of that noble cause are far, far from ordinary. Sharon is an unstoppable force for good. And again, it makes us wonder if we could muster the kind of grit that Sharon musters in the service of total strangers and in the face of her own battles.

So why do I feel so uncomfortable?

There are so many levels of emotion in play watching Ordinary Angels. Not the least of which were all the true-life events that go into the climactic final scenes. Even knowing the outcome beforehand did not keep me from wiping away tears pretty much for the last 30 minutes. Enough said ’bout that. Every major player in Ordinary Angels is broken in some way. If we’re honest with ourselves, we all are, too. Even in her brokenness, Sharon had the wisdom to know that focusing her energy on saving the Schmitts was also saving herself. That is the ultimate win-win. And my overcomer’s heart couldn’t help but be moved. We should all be so wise.

So, it is with a great deal of inner struggle that I am giving Ordinary Angels another 4+ out of 5. I can’t remember the last February that has been so fruitful. And even though this movie had a happy ending, I am so emotionally drained that I need to go watch an episode or two of Netfix’s One Piece, just to clear my emotional palate.

Heck, the only movie I can remember hitting me in the feels more than Ordinary Angels was Homeward Bound: Incredible Journey (oh man, I’m getting misty…).

And BTW, the real life stars of Ordinary Angels

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Land of Bad is a whole lot of good

This week, Mrs. Average Dude and I popped in to see Land of Bad. But first off, I have to apologize for offering you no review last week. I was kind of focused on a little Sunday contest we all watched. It was, I’ve heard, the most watched tv show ever. And even though we experienced tragedy at the victory parade, it’s still a fantastic time to be a Chief’s fan. And it was just luck that there really wasn’t anything that looked worthy of review coming out. Thanks for understanding.

(Not too) hard choices

This week, however, there were at least three new shows at my local moviehaus that deserved consideration. There was Bob Marley: One Love. I still want to see that. Marley is a legend that I feel like I need to know more about. Seeing the bio-pic and also doing the accompanying research to see if Hollywood gets it right will take time, and I want to do it right.

Also released was the new Sony/Marvel Spider-man spin-off, Madame Web,. Why the studio decided that Valentine’s Day was a good time to release it is anyone’s guess. The advanced word on it was “train wreck of East Palestine, Ohio proportions”. I consider myself something of a comic book character fount of knowledge, and I barely knew of the character Madame Web. All other sources have reviewed this movie and I think they’ve exhausted all negative adjectives.

Are you not entertained?

Then there is Land of Bad, starring Liam Hemsworth and Russell Crowe. It feels wrong somehow to give Gladiator second billing. He’s Gladiator. He’s the Bulldog of Bergen. He’s Zeus, Jack Aubrey and Jor-el. It’s nice to see him play a pivotal role in Land of Bad. But he clearly wasn’t THE star. Crowe isn’t really in ‘action movie’ shape these days. And Land of Bad is most definitely an action thriller.

Land of Bad is the story of Sgt JJ Kinney, a young, fresh-faced Air Force JTAC soldier. Think Special Forces with a missile drone overwatch. Crowe is the eyes in the sky drone pilot, slamming Monster energy drinks and sporting a golf glove to protect his stick hand. Sgt Kinney gets imbedded with three campaign-hardened bush soldiers on a mission to extract one of their own who was captured by a well-funded personal army in the Philippines. Pretty standard popcorn movie stuff.

 

It’s nigh impossible for Hollywood to find a new angle to the modern era jungle soldier flick. And to this movie’s credit, it didn’t even try. There were no over-the-top action sequences, no stretches of the imagination. What Land of Bad delivered was a taught, well-paced movie full of jungle action that was wholey believeable. Add just enough high-tech drama and a pinch of human conflict. When all the elements are thrown into the pot and doled out expertly, the dish is quite tasty, definitely served piping hot.

Mike Drop

Land of Bad is a fantastic example of how the right actors, combined with the right director, can take an overtold premise and make it something very entertaining. Sure, we need at least adequate writing. But movies like John Wick show us that, with the right actors and the right director, dialog can be ordinary…or even non-existant. JW4 was 3 hours long. John had 103 lines composed of 484 words total. And get this…Jorma Tommila in Sisu (reviewed here) had only 5 lines the entire movie. My point is made.

Cred where cred is due

At this point, I’m willing to give acting cred to Liam Hemsworth. Yes, he’s nearly as buff as his better known sibling and not nearly as built out as his lesser known sibling (Luke, who is also in this film). But I’ve seen enough of his acting (Hunger Games, to be specific) to award him more than female eye candy status. It took Brad Pitt’s performance in 12 Monkeys to get that nod from me.

Russell Crowe was excellent in a supporting role. I’ve yet to see a movie of his that he just phones in, and that’s the mark of a consumate professional.

This is the first movie directed by William Eubank that I’ve ever seen. His IMDB is fairly light, with little that I’ve even heard of. But I won’t be shy about seeing his work in the future.

So, let’s check off some boxes here: Above average casting in all prominent roles: CHECK. Well-paced action thriller story: CHECK. Very believeable scenes with zero over-the-top action sequences: CHECK. Promising young director: CHECK. I am very happy to give Land of Bad a very deserved 4.1 of 5. See it with confidence and spring for the medium popcorn, because this movie will keep you chomping in more ways than one.

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